Freaky Friday: Swimwear

Finishing up our swimwear week here! It was a super good refresher for me since we're going to Lake Powell (a massive lake that spans over the Utah/Arizona border) next week and I needed to have a reality check before I frolicked pantsless for a few days. I can do this!

I did a lot of online swimsuit shopping before I went and tried anything on, which helped me get my bearings on what I wanted. But that also meant I came across delicious, delicious swimwear that no one should ever put on their bodies EVER. Oh I love my online shopping habit.

Observe:


Even the Little Mermaid would be like "OMG that is SO cliche." And she was a mythological fish who got married at 16. If she has more sense than you, you're in trouble.


Nude swimsuits are NEVER a good idea. Seriously. Especially when they are as crotchtastic and ill-fitting as this one. One time, my best friend and I were camping and we decided to head down to the beach. There was a grouping of people playing volleyball and one older man was in a nude-colored Speedo. That was 10 years ago. It still haunts me.


FINALLY! Swimwear for hipsters! This way, everyone can know how intellectual you are even when you have to dress like anyone else.

PS... suspenders on a swimsuit. It just seems wrong, doesn't it?

Also, has anyone seen this post over at Verbal Vomit? Read both chapters. I woke up this morning to a message from my brother who is living in Botswana and it was to proclaim his love for the girl who illustrates and writes Verbal Vomit. (Verbal Vomit girl... he's siiiiingle!) But it was totally worth being jolted out of sleep for. And to his credit, it was probably like 5pm in Bots.


Oh poor Kesha. Not only does she look unwashed 99 percent of the time, she also chose the most UNFLATTERING swimsuit of all time. I desperately want to push her boobs upward and it's not because I like touching Kesha's breasts. I don't think I do anyway.


In general, I like to keep gingivitis away from by lady business. But that's just me.


I saw that cats were a big trend this summer. If there's anything we learned from the eHarmony cat girl, it's that cat owners are really balanced and normal people.



It took me like, 10 minutes to figure out where this swimsuit actually went. I'm thinking on a lamp? But I could be wrong.

PS I like the bum fringe. It's special.



Quite possibly the most matronly swimsuit I've ever seen. And the matchy hat makes me want to curl into a ball and cry. You know this woman sits on the beach to read parenting books and Twilight because she's one of *those* middle-aged women.


Tan lines! Tan lines! Oh the tan lines!

Now you know what NOT to buy, go forth! Go forth and purchase swimwear that is actually wearable! Then go to the pool and read non-parenting books and snap undercover pictures of bad swimwear and send them to me. Just make sure it isn't actually me you're taking pictures of because I'll be sooooper offended.