Freaky Friday

I am having one of those super low motivation days. Like, I got up, got some work done, hit my workout and now... nothing. Instead, I have a major case of the shopping trunkies. Since my husband has been on the mend since Monday, I haven't left the house for anything but prescription medication in five days. To be honest, I think I might ditch everything and go poke around the mall for a bit.

But I am productive enough for Freaky Friday! Also, the big news of the week is my getting Instagram. We can be friends if you want: nomoremomjeans. I'm still getting the hang of it. My little brother keeps texting me helpful tips on what is and isn't OK. Sibling tech love!

But before I ditch my life and do something unproductive, here's some freakiness.

 Do designers sometimes just look at the front of a garment? Because no on in his right mind would see the rear view and be like "Yes, that's exactly the pancake longbutt we're going for. Order 10,000."

 Speaking of rear view, check out these babies. Those are brake lights. On the bum. 

It reminds me of that episode of "My Strange Addiction" where the guy thought he was in a relationship with his male car even though he wasn't gay. I feel like if he did have a human relationship, these pants would be involved. 

Also, I've thought up six pickup lines involving these pants, none of which are appropriate for a blog that my mom reads. You can put some in the comments section though!

 My new most hated pair of leggings. Which is impressive because I hate pretty much every pair of leggings.

 Armadillo purse. How creepy would this be under like, a restaurant table. On second thought, this isn't freaky. It's awesome. I want it so I can scare waiters.

 Methinks a court somewhere has lost its fool, dost thou agree?

Translation: This is stupid, amiright?

 Dawn sent these with the message that they looked super practical for running errands. I thought I'd add to the list of where these pants would be practical.
-While wearing stilts

- A high fashion prison party.
-Housing a flea circus ewwww

-Taking yourself waaaaaaaaaay too seriously. 

 People be like "YOLO" and I'm like "Eat broccoli, watch Wheel of Fortune and go to bed at a decent time." EBWWOFFAGTBAADT, yo! 

  I like my outfits to say "I'm not a woman, I'm a shapeless blob who doesn't want you to look at me."

Do I need to remind you that Valentine's Day is coming up? Why not rev his engine by dressing like the fatty pig meat that he loves!? Meow. 

OK, seriously, I feel like that took up the one last ounce of productivity I had saved up. Time to shirk my responsibilities for the rest of the day woo!

How to: Contour Your Face with Makeup

 

As I prepped this post I realized that I really hate the word contour. Like, it should only be used in commercials for feminine products. "Contours to your body so you can go horseback riding!" But there's really no other word for what we're doing so I apologize to you and my brothers who occasionally read this and don't need to be reminded that their sister is in fact, a woman.

ANYWAY, contouring is a makeup trick that makes your face look way thinner and your eyes look way brighter than they really are. Can I level with you here? I don't do this like EVERY DAY. Just when I need a little pick-me-up or I ate too much chocolate-covered popcorn, which may or may not have happened last night while I watched The Bachelor and wondered how long it would be before Thierra tries to bleed to death for attention.

Contouring (ew) takes a little extra time, but the results are totally worth it. Here's what you'll need.

1) A gray-based bronzer that IS NOT SPARKLY. I repeat: NOT SPARKLY. Trying to contour with a sparkly bronzer will make you look like a teenage vampire.
2) A cream-based (cream colored, not cream consistency. I use powder) highlighter. Cream is just more natural than a white. Can I tell you my dirty secret? The highlighter color I use is one in a total face palette with pinks and browns too. Your highlighter should have a little shimmer.
3) A pinky blush. Pink is awesome. The brighter, the better. We're only using a bit.

Now, I've made a road map on my face so you can see where everything should go and resisted the urge to draw a mustache on myself so I"m feeling very grown-up indeed. Also, there are a ton of product links in this post. These are just the products I actually use, no shady affiliate stuff goin' on here.

 

Hehehe my face looks like Neapolitan ice cream in that picture. 

OK, steps.

1) I start with a primer -- this is my fave -- I use a bit of concealer to hit any spots that I need cleaned up, including my stupidpants skin cancer scar, under-eye circles and a zit. Then, I do my Bare Minerals all over and start with a nice, even canvas. You can start with whatever you like, just give yourself an even tone before you begin contouring.

2) I begin with the bronzer... gray-based is best because we want to create shadows. First I hit right under my cheekbones. If you don't know where to go, suck in your cheeks and use a big, fluffy brush to put it right in those hollows, from the ear to about halfway between your ear and the corner of your lips. I also hit my jawline and my hair line. Finally, I'll use a smaller brush to draw a little line down either side of my nose and then blend out. BLENDBLENDBLEND. See my awesome map for help. 

3) Highlighter tiiime! It's my favorite. I use a clean eyeshadow applicator or a smaller makeup brush (I love these) for doing highlighter because it has to be more precise. I start with the inner corners of my eyes and then highlight right underneath the eyebrows. Then I'll run it right down the very top of my nose and also a little v-shaped area right above the bow of my lips. Then, I grab a bigger brush and dust the center of my forehead. 

4) Blush is last and I just do the apples of my cheeks. Cool trick time! If you're not sure where to put blush, smile and then place two fingers beside your nose. Then, just hit that apple of your cheek and you're dunzo. 

There you go! A totally contoured face that doesn't look all makeuppy. And by makeuppy I definitely mean drag-queeny. My spellcheck is exploding right now.

Once done, it's mascara time and that's pretty much it. It seems like a lot of steps, but it probably only takes about two minutes extra on top of whatever else I'm doing that day. And since I often wake up looking like Queen Imotep of the Undead, I feel like it's two minutes well spent.

SO what say you? Is this something you can/already do? Or are you like "Contouring is a dirty word and I won't do it." I can respect that. 

What I Wore: Moody Blues

I consider myself to be one of those annoying people who's generally in a pretty good mood most of the time. It helps that I literally don't take anything seriously, ever, so not a lot really bugs me and I'm usually able to just slap on a happy face. In fact, I was voted "Most Likely to Brighten Your Day" in high school. Oh yeah, that's some high praise that I'll be clinging to way longer than is socially acceptable. I have a plaque somewhere.

But ugh, I always end up a huge grump come February. Suddenly, the snow that makes my teeny town charming and adorable becomes gross and slushy and my slate floors are covered in salt and I had to shovel the walk for the sole purpose of having pizza delivered on Friday. BOO to that, I say! So when LuLaRoe.com offered to sent me a bad mood-busting maxi skirt, I immediately picked out the brightest of the bunch.

Skirt: c/o LuLaRoe.com

Top: Local boutique (Bella Ella)
Jacket: Therapy -- yes, the brand is actually called Therapy and that makes me laugh.
Boots: Fryyyyyyes
Ring: Downeast
Earrings, which you can't even see: My nanny, which I should point out means my English grandmother, not anyone who takes care of my children. Or me.

I heart me some bright colors in February to boost my spirits and help me ignore the salt on my floor. Happy days! I also heart this skirt tooooo much. It's uber stretchy which means I could look like a lady but didn't have to sit like one WIN.Psst... check out the LulaRoe Facebook page for a coupon code.

And I'm sorry the pictures are overexposed. My dang 6 year old took them and left the flash on. Ugh, amateur.

Oh wait! I can see an earring in this one booyah! Also I feel like maxi skirts and leather jackets should always be together like Heidi and Spencer from The Hills. They just deserve each other.

I'm in a better mood today, thanks in part to bright skirts, sunshine and also to the fact that my hubby is having surgery today. Like, I'm not happy he's having surgery, that's sad. But seeing my straight-laced seriousperson husband on drugs should be pretty funny. The doc gave him anti-anxiety medicine to take a few hours before so we're going to be partying around here.

Now, name something that puts you in a good mood! If your answer is "my husband on anti-anxiety medication" we are probably soul mates.

Freaky Friday: Fun with Keywords

 So my daughter earned a special "show and tell" day at school today, and what does she want to take? Our dog. So I have to go talk our miniature schnauzer into being OK with the fact that lots of small children will be mauling her in an hour. I can only assume it will go well considering all my dog every wants is to be left alone forever.

Poor Lucy. Such a tortured animal. 

Anyway, I'm due in the class in like 30 minutes, so let's make this quick. Luckily, sexual deviants and juvenile delinquents have been visiting my site again, which means I have lots of fodder for Fun with Keywords. As usual, if you're new to the site, you should know that FWK is when I comb through the keyword analysis for my blog and pick the best and brightest search terms for your consideration. It's a good time. 

"How come I look fatter in a sweater than in a T-shirt?"

I don't know. Is it because your sweater has a cheeseburger on it? Because I can only assume that cheeseburgers make people look fat. Just a fun fashion hint for you.

"Pregnant fetish."






Ew I just love that idea that there are guys who are really into pregnant women. I mean, don't get me wrong, pregnancy is super special and magical and whatever else the unicorns tell you, but most of the time you feel fat. And sweaty. And pretty gassy. And also like if anyone touches you, they'll get a punch in the throat. But uh yeah, really sexy too.

"Cheap American flag shorts."

Ah, but aren't they all cheap? Nothing says patriotism by wearing your country's flag emblazoned across your crotch and in acid wash.


















"How to make harem pants." 

You don't.


"What's the best place to steal cosmetics?"

For reals? Where is your mother and why is she not monitoring your computer use better?


"Sexy Care Bears."

There. Now enjoy your day, soul-sucking life ruiner. Hope you have fun decimating what was left of everyone's childhoods!


"Does hair on your body make you look fat or skinny."

Uh, neither. It makes you look hairy.


"How to luk fat."

Yeah, why don't you go ahead and stop focusing on your outward appearance and work more on passing first grade English. Then we'll talk about how you "luk."


"Kameron Diyaz."

K, either this is the same person who wants to luk skinny, or something looking for what I can only assume is an adult film star with really long legs and really inflated lips.


Alright, I'm off to be the Mom of the Year for like, five minutes. Hopefully it makes up for the other 1,435 minutes of the day. Happy Friday, everyone!

What I Wore: Internal Monologue

I had this conversation with myself a few days ago.

Me: Hey, uh, Jae?
Myself: Oh hey, self, how's it going?
Me: Great... just really great. But I did need to talk to you about something.
Myself: Ah. OK. Shoot.
Me: It's about your hair.
Myself: My hair? What's up?
Me: It's just... like, I don't want to hurt your feelings or anything. But it's like, really blonde.
Myself: Durrr. That's the point.
Me: No, like... too blonde.
Myself: But... it's been like this for two years.
Me: I know. And it was really nice. But I think you might have some blonde-orexia or something.
Myself: What can I say? I love the bleach.
Me: I think it might be time to go back to brunette.
Myself: But... Gwen Stefani is a natural burnette and she's been dying her hair for years! It says so in her hair color commercial!
Me: OK, is "Gwen Stefani does it" really that great of an argument?
Myself. Good point. Siggggggghhhhhh fine I'll go back to natural for a couple of years.
Me: Hey, your hair will thank you.
Myself: Whatever. You're a real downer, Me.
Me: Sorry.

And that folks, is how I went back to brown. After looking through some pictures from the past few months, I noticed that my hair was looking more and more damaged and it needed a break or risk going like, banana yellow. And that's not a good look on anyone. So, I'm back to my old self while my hair is in ICU for a while. I'll miss the blonde and will probably do it again, but for now I'm officially on a break.

Shirt: Ugh, I can never remember. I wanna say Paper Tee. Yes.
Belt: Downeast
Jacket: Old Navy
Skirt: F21
Boots: F21

Ring: 1928

I was on my feet and running around alllll day yesterday, so it had to be comfy boots or bust. These are wedges so I felt like they had to be sporty, but I'm still not sure I nailed it with this one. I need to play with it some more. In fashion blogging world it's called "styling." As in "I styled these boots with a leather skirt." I find that pretentious and annoying. You WORE them. Just SAY IT. 

Whatever, it got me through a long day and I wasn't begging for sweet mercy by the end. That makes me think WIN.

 I was also wearing cute earrings but you can't see them #brunetteproblems amiright?

Fine, I'll shut up about my hair now. 

Today is my recuperation day from getting over the flu of death. My house is trashed and my medicine cabinet looks like a really low-class pharmacy. Also, my husband is building a new wall in our room -- he has to have his gallbladder out in a week and just HAPPENS to also need a new flatscreen on our bedroom wall during convalescence oh really how convenient. So my house is like a germy construction zone and it must be conquered.

Monday, you's a jerk. 

Freaky Friday

 Alright, lets announce the winner (or, in my house  -- the wiener) of the ModestPop giveaway -- Micha Davis it's you it's you! Look for an email today with your gift card code and buy something pretty!

Good news everyone! I think we're finally over the flu of death. Ahhhhh and it only took 10 days. My daughter finally went back to school today which was huge because she'd missed almost a week. Luckily, we've gone on four trips since school started in the fall so it's not like she's missed a lot of school or anything. MOM OF THE YEAR. It's OK, I'm well aware she'll get by on her looks. Kidding! Kind of.

Anyway, I'm celebrating our rising from the dead by actually leaving the house today. It's exciting. I might buy something.

 The Apple Bag by Hermes. It finally solves the age-old problem of having an apple, but not knowing how to transport it anywhere. Ugh, do you expect me to hold it in my hands like a peasant?

 Polka dots: In. Polka dots and this: Barf.

 Can we talk about leg squidge here? Because it's never a good thing. But leg squidge with acid wash and we're talking that horrible overweight Courtney Love phase.

 I'm not an Anthropologie wearer at the best of times... it's a little twee for me. But especially not when in this chambray ankle skirt. Those flap pockets and buttons are like, Sunday School teacher circa 1992. Chambray doesn't have to be on everything, OK? 

 The "Navajo Hood" Because yes, I'm sure Native Americans just love when hipsters prance around pretending to be wolf gods. Like, I hope you get shot with a reproduction of a traditional Navajo arrow.

 I had a dog groomer once who wanted to name her daughter Arwen and I talked her out of it. 

But this dress? Somewhere, a fanboy is having feelings he's never felt before. 

 "Excuse me, my eyes are up... oh wait. They actually are down there. Carry on then."

 Rebecca sent me yet another fantastic yarn creation. Or you could just wear like, shoes? 

And I'm sorry, do we live in a world where you need something to make flip flops MORE comfortable? They literally attach to your feet with like 6 inches of material. If you can't handle that, then you shouldn't be allowed to own footwear. 

 Other shirts in this collection:
"I Have a Blog for Cooking for One"
"I DVR Shows About Animal Bloopers"
"I Don't Know Why No One Responds to my Online Dating Profile."
"I Crochet Foot Covers for my Flip Flops"

"Please... Someone Love Me. Please."

 Remember when MTV brought back Beavis and Butthead for like, a minute a couple of years ago? And we all realized that it was only funny when you were 16 and hiding in the basement with your boyfriend telling your parents that you were studying really hard for Ancient Civilizations? I feel like even your 16 year old self would be like "Yeaaaaaah no" to this.

Thank Brenda!

Oh, shoot, I missed the memo about cat sweaters being tucked into control top underwear being cool. BOY is my face red.
(Thaaaanks Anna) 

Of course, the day I finally get to venture out of my house is the day we have crazy fog up here on the mountain. But it's OK because I live life on the edge/have really good foglamps.

Happy weekend party people!

How to: Get Inspiration from a Magazine Without Wanting to Cry

So with my kids at home still sick with the evil flu -- I think we're just about finished, hallelujah! -- I've had a lot of time to do lazy things that I don't usually get to do. I read a couple of books -- I just finished Beautiful Creatures -- I played a lot on the iPad and caught up on TV series on my DVR and finally, finally, read through the stack of magazines that were hanging out since the holidays.

Now, I get a ton of magazines because I mostly use them for "work" which also means I get to write them off on my business taxes WOO. But that also means I have stacks laying around the house unread for months at a time. As I was paging through my InStyle, Elle, Allure, Redbook and Glamour, I got to thinking about how depressing magaiznes are if you don't know what you're looking for. It's like "skinny model... skinny model... skinny model... 'real size' model who's still skinnier than me... laughable sex tips... skinny model." I GET IT. But I also think mags are a great way to break out of a fashion rut, so let's talk about how to interpret what's in them into real life.

Glossy magazines are all about excess. When they do a page-spread of "Neon Colors to Rock Your World," that doesn't mean you're supposed to go out and party like it it's 1989. It means that you'll probably see neon at the store a lot more and a bright pair of sunglasses would be fun. When you see a trend report that says "Fringe Benefits!" it doesn't mean you have to start dressing like the Last of the Mohicans, but you can start looking for softer leather accessories to add to your closet.

So, when you're looking through a magazine, focus less on how perfectly airbrushed the models are and the trend barf on every page and focus instead on a couple things that you like from each spread. I snap pictures of pages with my phone while I read so I don't have to go back and search through all the dog-eared pages to remember what I liked.

Observe:

 I loved this white jacket with leopard smoking slippers. Would I ever wear this much white ever? Absolutely not. But I have a white trench and I've never thought to wear it with my leopard loafers. THANKS magazine.

 OOh, I loved the ruffles on this jacket and the cool periwinkle color. I would absolutely not wear this jacket ever, lest I look like Marie Antoinette, but it makes me keep an eye out for girly ruffles the next time I shop.

I loved this model's makeup. Liquid eyeliner + girly peach lips is adorable and something that I hadn't thought of before.

Don't pick up a magazine and then use it to repeatedly beat yourself, your size, your face, your lack of celebrity arm candy and your non-understanding of why everyone is into like Aztec prints or whatever the heck is popular this second. Page through, note what you like, nix what you hate and then use it to get a little closet inspiration. I know some bloggers have like, inspiration boards and dream books, but seriously?

Magazines think they're too cool for school but guess what? They aren't. (Movie reference?) Learn to peruse them properly and you'll have less body hatred and more outfit ideas. YAY!

What magazines do you get? All of mine are fashion-y except for the inexplicable Real Simple. I like to read it and pretend to care about home organization.