Freaky Friday

My Firefox was acting up today, so this post is coming to you from Internet Explorer. Yeah, I like to party like it's 2001. Sometimes I like to search through AOL.com and use Encarta CD-ROMs too.

OMG, speaking of which, did anyone notice that in the last Twilight movie, Edward used Yahoo to search about vampire babies?

Can we just take a moment to let that sink in.

He used YAHOO to learn about VAMPIRE BABIES.

Me and my brother talked right after he had seen it and we both focused solely on that point. Like, is Edward just learning how to use the Internet? Is his email blood-luvr69yahoo.com? Why is he searching about vampire babies like I search for song lyrics? Why would Yahoo know anything about vampire babies?

The questions are endless.

Anyway, those are the seep thoughts I'm having this Friday. Other stuff I'm pondering:

-How bad is it to eat Chick-Fil-A after getting my yoga on and achieving inner peace? Oh, did I say "inner peace?" I meant "large appetite."
- My mom is coming to town on Monday.  I need to clean my house, muck out the guest room, and hide my switchblades because she will cut you. Seriously. My mom is like, the Incredible Hulk mixed with Bon-Qui-Qui with red hair.

I'm going to get an angry phone call when she sees this.

-I have another gift card. It's totally OK to break my shopping fast if I have a gift card, right?

Other than that, let's get goin' on Freaky Friday.

These are probably the whoriest shoes I've ever posted on this site, which is saying something because I once posted stripper heels with a hamster inside and shoes that had an attached tip jar. Also, does the foot have to be so realistic? Feet are disgusting.

My cousin Stephanie sent me a horrendous jumpsuit, but when I went to look IT WAS SOLD OUT. This is just as bad. This girl is probably 98 lbs. and still is rockin' a front bum.

Colleen sent me this. I can only imagine it's a meeting of "The Sisterhood of the 'Don't You Have an Organic Container Garden?' Pants." Starring a bunch of crunchy lesbians and coming soon to a theatre near you.

I also got this scarf. I've seen T-shirt scarves on Pinterest before and they were really cute, but this is what would happen if I tried to make one myself. Also, dat facial expression! I do the same one when my dog toots and runs away.

Another Pinterest gem from Tracy. The pinner said it was a great way to use up old jeans. Yes. Disembodied legs. SO CUTE RITE? It also had another idea to use them on your deck. It would 100 percent look like zombies were attacking your next BBQ.

Ashley sent me these wonderful clunkers. The first one is called "Burlesque" and the second was like "Sonoma," or something. That has got to be the ugliest wine-themed shoe I have ever seen.

....wait a minute!

Rachel (Hi Rachel!) sent me these lovelies, which look like they need to be stomped to death by me. Seriously, I was stung by a hornet last year and I turned into like, a crazy AMazon jungle woman and then found a milk jug and smashed it to death in a violent rage while my kids watched with their mouths hanging open. These beetle shoes clearly need the same treatment. KILLIT.

Angie sent me these fantastic pants, which make me feel weird about men's room protocol.

Seriously, it baffles me that urinals exist. Like hey, stranger. I'm just gonna go ahead and expose myself out the side of my assymetrical pants here. Nothing to see.

Hey, wanna be a giant d-bag? Walk around talking into your fingers. It's the only thing worse than a Bluetooth in public. Like, I understand Bluetooth in the car. But you DO NOT need one while walking around the drugstore.

Female facial hair. So hot right now.

Alright, I'm going to go load up my mustache glasses and my finger phone and go find a loophole out of my shopping diet for the day. What if I just buy jewelry or makeup? THAT DOESN'T EVEN COUNT. 

Super Quick Crossed Messy Bun Tutorial

Hey guys! So even though I'm quite possibly the most awkward person on camera, I classed it up by filming myself doing the criss-cross messy bun from What I Wore.
Here's the breakdown.
1) Brush out your hair.
2) Gather it up in a half pony and clip on top of your head like a crazy person.
3) Pull the bottom portion (rattail!) into a messy bun. Doesn't matter what it looks like.
4) Take out the clip, gather your hair in a half pony higher than the first one so you have a layer of loose hair in between your half pony and the messy bun.
5) Separate the loose hair into two sections and cross over each other. Then, wind one side around your messy bun and pin. Repeat on the other side. If you have leftover strands, just pin 'em in. IT'S MESSY, OK?
6) Take down the top, brush it out.
7) Repeat separating into two sections, cross over and pin.
8) Mess up the bun and pin leftover strands.
9) Pull out a few sections at the front so you don't look like a naught librarian.
10) High five your sweet self in the mirror. Oh yeah.

Also, feel free to make fun of the fact that I say "super" a lot. It's super embarrassing.

Hope that helps! Lemme know if you have any q's and I'll come over to your house and show you in your mirror. Creepy? Yes.

4 Celeb Fashion Lines That Don't Make Me Want to Barf

You guys,

So what's up with celebs wanting to be good at everything? It's like, they can't handle just being famous for singing and acting. Soon, it's perfume lines, and shoe lines, and Broadway and shuffleboard championships. Like, CALM DOWN, celebs. You have enough money.

That's why every time I hear a celeb is coming out with a new fashion line, I cringe a bit inwardly. For one, they're already rich. For two, there's a really good chance it's just their name on the line and they actually have nothing to do with it (I'm looking at you, Kardashians) and three, it could be really, really bad. No names.

But once in a while, a celeb lends her name to something that is actually wearable. It doesn't happen super often, but when it does, I find myself stalking that celeb's stuff and buying it for myself. Of course, a lot of the time, celeb stuff is also crazy expensive. I love Rachel Zoe's stuff, but I'm also not starring in a Martin Scorcese film anytime soon, so I probably can't afford any of it. But it's fun to look at, right?

If you're wondering which lines are cute, and which are totally crap, I give you: 5 Celeb Fashion Lines That Don't Make Me Want to Barf.

What can I say? I have a way with words.

1) LC by Lauren Conrad

OK, so it's safe to say I have a raging girl crush on LC, but why not? She's someone who got famous through reality TV and didn't go completely insane. And her stuff if what I would wear in real life, not like a $600 cat collar. 

 

 Check out this adorable maxi dress - for $36! It would look sooo cute with a biker leather jacket and some wedges. Or totally wedding appropriate with a cardigan and some strappy heels.

And the chiffon blazer? I die. I would love this with some leather jeggs and heels, or work super casual with jeans and flats. 

Thanks for not being a crazy famewhore and giving us cute clothes, LC.

PS I have a pair of her jeans and I love them. Super comfy and they fit really well.

2) Jessica Simpson.

I tend to think Jessica Simpson in really weird, and for a long time, if I saw her name on a pair of shoes I liked, I'd be all depressed because I thought that meant I had bad taste. But whether she's just slapping her name on them of she actually helped design them, these bad boys are gorgeous.

 

NO REALLY. They're $98 and you can find tons of her stuff on sale too, usually at Macys and other department stores. Her shoes and bags are equally cute and feminine, which I can appreciate, even if she doesn't know what tuna is. 

And no, she will never live that down.

2. Jennifer Lopez for Kohls

 

Remember when J. Lo had a Sweetface line for like, two seconds? I think I even had a Sweetface shirt when I was like, 19. It went down in flames because no one really wanted to dress like Jenny from the Block. But her new collection for Kohls is surprisingly refined. I'm not overly impressed with the clothes, but I actually really like the accessories. These earrings would be perfect with a plain white tee for summer.

4. Olsenboye

 

OK, so the Olsen twins are like, legit designers. They have three lines: Elizabeth & James, The Row, and Olsenboye. The first two are serious Fashion Week labels and super pricey, but they also have a supercute discount line at JCPenney. Granted, it's a juniors line, so the clothes are young. But the shoes and bags? I heart. I love the worn-in vibe from this one and there are a bunch of other cute things for under $50. 

Dishonorable Mention: The Kardashian Kollection

 OK, let's get one thing straight. About 70 percent of the KK is HORRIBLE. First of all, the majority of dresses are short they will legitimately put your vulva on display. And there are WAY too many leopard-print jumpsuits for my comfort. But there are a few gems.

This maxi dress is $40 and it's super cute for summer... there's a few other maxis that are pretty adorable, which I can admit in a grudging way. The shoes are so cheap tranny that they make me want to poke my eyes out. But the jewelry, the maxis, and the bags are OK. Luckily I can rest my conscience by knowing that not one Kardashian actually had a hand in anything other than taking Photoshopped pictures to promote this stuff. Ahhhh.

Ugh, this was the hardest post to write EVER. Finding celeb lines that aren't crap or cost a million dollars was a challenge. Buuuut if I've talked any of you into buying something, I consider my job done. You're welcome, celeb designers. I accept appreciation cheques whenever you want to send 'em.

What I Wore: Boogie Nights

Just so you know, my stress level is at like, 98.7 percent right now because it's tax day. For some of the world, tax time means extra money and shopping sprees. Unless you're self employed, in which case, it's a terrifying time which results in the emptying of one's bank account. I'll be happy when it's all sent off and out of my life, so that's what my day is revolving around. Well, that and my daughter's soccer practice.

I don't even know who I am anymore.

You know what makes it better? 70s-inspired maxi dresses, that's what.

Dress: Charlotte Russe
Espadrilles: Delicious
Bracelets: Um, one is a necklace my hubs got me from Kay jewelrs and the wooden beads are from Target lol I'm so high brow it's not even funny.
Earrings: Charlotte Russe

 I love love love this dress. I feel like every woman have something like this in her closet. Not a disco dress per se, but something that doesn't need any undershirts, overshirts, cardigans, belts or anything else to make it work. The best part about the print is that it means the dress is enough on its own, so I didn't need to add much. That means extra sleep-in time. Winner!

 

Ugh, new blogger still confounds me.  But I heart espadrilles, so it's OK. I basically wanted to ave disco dance-off all day long... any takers? 

 Also, check out mah hair. I basically just tied the bottom half into a messy bun and then criss-crossed what was left at crown into an even messier bun. It was special, because I didn't have to actually wash my hair, which is pretty overrated. What I'm saying is that I look fancy here, but I really was the laziest I could have possibly been.

Well, it's been fun... but I have to get back to taxes. Thank goodness for Emancipation Day, or I'd be scrambling at the last minute...ha! 

Also, I'm happy to report that despite a moment of weakness on Saturday, I have not bought any new clothes yet this month. Instead, I bought a peachy new bronzer. You like? That should tide me over for like, three hours at least.

Freaky Friday

Happy Friday friends! I'm finally upgrading to the new Blogger, so if it looks like a five-year-old on crack wrote this post, it's probably because I gave my five-year-old some crack earlier and she got a hold of my computer. HA I kid. But seriously.

Seriously.

Anyway, I've gotta knock this one out because my kids are forcing me to take them to see Alvin and the Chipmunks at the cheap theatre today (oh, I just looove Spring Break).  I would probably rather stub my toe, but whatever, I get popcorn.

Here we go!


Ok, this just in... I officially hate new Blogger.  This has been the most harrowing 10 minutes of my life.

 

Oh, I was so worried about missing Cinco De Mayo, but luckily, I can bring the party on my feet! Ole! (Aaaand thus ends the extent of my impeccable Spanish)

My adorbs friend Manda sent be this gem from Pinterest. Either this girl is dressed as a sexy urinal for Halloween, or her husband really, REALLY enjoys the smell of urinal pucks.

Steph sent these, worried that they might not be ugly enough for me to feature them. Don't worry Jessica. You did the right thing. Easter hookers should be exposed for what they really are. 

Brings a new meaning to "egg hunt" amiright? 

Hahahaha. Ew. Things just got weird.

 

Heather sent this with a whole article dedicated to the crack-showing trend. Like, has mankind descended so fully that I have to make a statement on this? This is the BACK of a dress. I guess we should all just be happy it's not the front. 

OMG YES. I was just voted "Queen of the Damned" and had NO idea what to wear to the blood drinking ceremony. Pheeeeew. 

Hey, flip flop/cowboy boots-wearer! I promise the boots can stay at home while you go to the beach. I can guarantee most people know you're a redneck just by looking at your face. (Thanks Rebecca and Stacey!) 

Another reader sent this dress, which had the title "Pretty Cool Tank-Style Summer Dress" Let's break it down:
Pretty: No
Cool: Uh, maybe in Amish country.
Tank-Style: Where??
Summer: Nope.
Dress: Ding ding ding!

Oh, so tree leggings are like, a thing now? I guess they say "I love the planet and talk incessantly about my square foot garden and don't shut up about my sustainable house" in a really subtle way. 

 

These pants were called "Darn Yankees" I'm sorry, did I miss the part in American history when the Confederate Army fought off a band of  flamboyant ill-fitting pants wearers from Maine?

 

I guess they're better than these, which are called "Used to Be" pants. I can think of a few things they used to be:

1) A gay pride flag.

2) Table coverings for an ice cream social.

3) An advertisement for candy corn.

4) Anything but actual pants. 

As always, thanks to my awesome readers who keep my inbox and Facebook page packed with bad fashion for each Friday. I love you like I love cake. And I love cake a lot.  

OK, I'm off to get a headache from listening to the Chipmunks for the next two hours. And by "listening the Chipmunks" I mean playing "Draw Something" with my headphones in. Happy weekend! Muah!

Summer Shoe Eye Candy

Since I was just complaining that I was sick of my flip flops after wearing them all weekend long, how about some alternatives? I've posted full outfits here, so I don't think you need the full lecture. How about some pretty shoes to look at instead? Deal? Deal. Click the pictures to buy and give my apologies to your husband!

I've been obsessing over these wedges fora few weeks now, after I saw them in a local store. I should probably just buy them, but I'm on a shopping diet, you guys! It's like the food equivalent of Mini Eggs and it would just ruin everything. But oh, May 1st THEY WILL BE MINE. I love how bright and happy they are -- adorable with shorts and summer dresses with jean jackets.


I bought these a few weeks ago on my last binge. I found them to be adorably ugly, like a pug or Steve Buscemi. Because of that, I snapped them on at a major discount, I might add. Apparently no one else shared my opinion. But whatevs, I've been wearing them with my cropped skinny jeans and shorts ever since. I'm totally into boat shoes lately and have been on the hunt for some for my kidlets. Ideas? Shhhh ugly shoes. I won't let anyone hurt you anymore.

OK, if you're going to stick with flip flops all summer long, I think you should definitely get at least one "special" pair. I have be bejeweled white ones, but these are adorbs too. They look a little overtly girly in the pic, if you didn't notice, but a bow over your toe? I die. These would be so cute with bermudas or a white summer skirt. OOh! Or with a white maxi skirt with the bows peeking out? Love.

  K, I'm not even American and these make me want to attend a 4th of July party STAT - preferably one not on squishy grass. But seriously. How prep are these? They'd be subtle enough to wear with a super cute red dress or pencil skirt to suggest patriotism, rather than painting your belly with a confederate flag.

I know we had our difference of opinions with the TOMS post last year (seriously, it got a little heated) but you cannot deny the adorableness of these TOMS flats. They are SO. CUTE. And, while they're pretty pricey, I completely justify the money I spent on mine. They fit like a glove and are uber comfy. In fact, while traipsing all over the desert over the weekend, I was totally wishing for my TOMS.

 
Hey, casual BBQ goers, pay attention! When you want to look cute but not aerate your neighbor's lawn by sinking into the grass, these are perfect. A miniscule heel means you're not toppling over, and the bright color is perfect to wear with shorts, skirts, dresses, whatever. These would also be super cute on the beach -- any beach wedding goers? 

 
I love these shoes as a major summer shoe. Like, I;m thinking awesome concert or movie night with your hubs. These, plus a maxi in any colore would make you look like, 10 feet tall. Wear with a leather jacket for instant coolness. I would also totally pair these with a casual khaki skirt to kick it up a notch. Drool.

 
I am still loving floral shoes for summer. These are so pretty I might die. Wear with a pastel cocktail dress for a formal (indoor) wedding and other than the bride, you're best dressed. These would also be great to summer-ify some wintery staples, like a pencil skirt. Also, if you're kidless, you can wear them with white. But if you have kids, you'll definitely end up with a ketchup stain. Don't say I didn't warn you!



So, do you have sufficient ideas yet? You can totally wear flip flops. I wear them all the time. But don't let that be your only go-to shoes. You'd be surprised at what else you can work in there.

What do you think? Still hate my TOMS and want to send nasty emails to my inbox. Bring it. You can hate on my Steve Buscemi shoes too. I can take it.

What I Wore: Moab Love

OK, so this is going to be the weirdest "What I Wore" ever, mostly because this is how my internal monologue worked last week.

Inner self: Jae, you really need to take pictures of a cute outfit for Monday.
Smug actual self: Relax, inner self. I've got plenty of time.
Inner self: You look cute today! Just get your child-photographer to snap a shot.
Smug actual self: Yes, but Real Housewives of Orange County is on! And Alexis is still pretending that her nose job was for "Sinus issues!" Plus, it's going to be Easter, and I shall wear something floral and lovely.
Inner self: You're a jerk.

I should have listened to inner self, because I put it off all week. When I woke up Saturday morning, my husband rolled over in bed and asked if I wanted to drive down to Moab. Moab is 3.5 hours away and it was the Easter Jeep Safari. The Mr. drives a Jeep, so it was kind of easy to tell his motives. But, we put it to the kids and to be honest, the idea of heading somewhere warm when there was snow on my lawn sounded pretty good. SO we went.

And I wore flipflops all weekend long.

And I did not dress nice for Easter. In fact, I wore day-old shorts on Easter instead.



We hiked up to Gemini Bridges, a place where there are two natural bridges spanning over a massive canyon. Here I am in my not-cool clothes, scared for my life while hanging over the canyon. PS, bringing your hyperactive three year old to a place where ten feet of rock separates you from life and death made me have a minor heart attack. NEVER AGAIN.



Not to mention the trail leading up to the spot is hollow. Here's a teeny me and Hubs demonstrating how quickly we could have tumbled to our deaths. YAY.


We also hit the sand hill, AKA kids paradise. Sand as far as the eye can see and about 150 feet in the air. It was the best workout I've ever had. This rock was a quarter of the way up. I was so tired I wanted to lay down and sleep for three days.


Here was my impeccable strategy for climbing. Crawl on my hands and knee, with my head down like a dog for 10 yards, then lay down and pray for the sweet release of death. PS those are my kids above me, laughing as they climbed up for the third time. Ugh, kids are the worst.

Also, after I slid down the hill, you could see my bum trail from roughly a mile away. You're WELCOME, people of Moab.

So basically, we swam, we ate, we hiked, we Jeep-ed, and then we got home sunburned last night. All without nice shoes. Seriously, if you're local, you should definitely check it out. We used to go when we were kid-free, but this was out first time taking the mini-mes. They slept sooooo well last night.

So, my inner self was right. I should have taken cute pictures earlier. But it was fun and I don't care.

Did anyone else do anything fun over the weekend? Do you shun me for my flip flop wearage? Of course, you could also judge me for skipping out on church on Sunday AND watching Real Housewives of Orange County, but you're going to have to choose one.