4 Things That Make You Look Fat

Ooh, that's a harsh title, right? I KNOW. It's shock value. I'm so shocking.

But seriously, I want to take a minute to talk about a few habits that make you look chubbier than you really are. First, can we say that I really hate serious self-deprecation? Like, joking that you're a terrible cook is one thing. I'm a terrible cook. But whining that you look fat is another thing altogether. I feel like it's just asking for the sympathy vote and I don't like it.

You are the way you are. If you don't like it, change it. If you don't feel like changing it, learn to live with it.

But body types and weight aside, there are things I see women do ALL THE TIME that make them look fat. Seriously, a Victoria's Secret model would look paunchy if she broke some of these rules. Because size is really all relative, it's worth it to check if you're guilty of some of these sins. That way, you can look skinnier without hitting the gym (and I mean that. Yesterday was "personal best" day at the gym, where you're supposed to push yourself harder than before. I woke up to cement legs this morning. Ouch.)

1) Wearing Clothes that Don't Fit

Whether it's too big or too small, it makes you look fat. Clothes make a huge difference in the way your body looks, period. I am one of those people who is way heavier than she looks. Which is exactly the reason I haven't weighed myself in three years.

Is there anything worse than seeing someone stuff herself sausage-style into way-small clothes? Yes. Seeing someone shlub around in clothes that are way too big. They're equal offenders. That's why you should always try clothes on, tailor them if necessary and use stuff like belts or cardigans to help define your look. Who cares about the actual size? I'm concerned about the fit. You can look svelte at size 6 or 16 as long as your clothes actually fit your body.

2) Wearing the Wrong Pattern

OK, here's where it gets dicey. Patterns are awesome. But patterns can also make you look fat. Some serious zero in on your trouble areas, like HERE I AM. I have a shirt that I really love, but the pattern makes me look like I just ate Thanksgiving dinner. Not cool. Try on clothes and make sure the pattern detracts. That's why I love abstract patterns. Geometric and uniform patterns can make you look chubby when they don't lay completely right.

Also, look for patterns that are proportional to your body. If you carry some extra weight and you wear a teeny pattern, it looks like there's this vast amount of polka dots or whatever. Look for a mid-sized pattern instead and you'll look way slimmer.

3) Slouching

Yeah, your mom was right. Oh, this one really gets on my nerves. Probably because I'm inexplicably proud of my posture. It's like I went to one of those old timey schools where they made you walk with a book on your head -- but I didn't. I just know that slouching makes you look fat and paunchy. Seriously. How about you tuck your shoulders back and straighten up. Stop walking around like you want to be invisible. Standing up straight is like, a 1 second diet. You'll look skinnier and like you're actually happy to be alive. Win!

4) Crappy Accessories

You know I love me some accessories, right? They are the way to make an outfit look on-purpose. But they can also make you look fat if they emphasize the wrong areas of your body. Ask me why I never where those full finger rings. Go ahead, ask me!! It's because I have stubby child hands and they make me look like a weirdo. Cocktail rings are much better on me. Same goes with dicey accessories that are hard to pull off, like a choker. Instead, look for accessories that lengthen: a drop pair of earrings, a long scarf, some layered necklaces. They'll make the eye look up and down rather than side to side. Yay!

SO yeah, you can totally look slimmer without a huge Biggest Loser weight overhaul. I mean, that would be super cool, but most of us don't need to lose 200 lbs, just perk up a bit.

Fess up: Are you guilty of any of these?

What I Wore: Rainy Day

SO remember how I was wearing shorts last week? I had planned to wear an adorable spring outfit COMPLETE WITH ORANGE when I woke up to gray, drizzly snow on Sunday morning. I decided the orange would have to wait and I pulled out my trusty yellow trench. I've had this jacket forever but I only ever wear it a couple of times per year. I always forget it's just hanging out in the mudroom, waiting for it's time to shine. You shall not wait any longer, yellow trench coat.


If I look tired, it's because I spent Saturday doing spring cleaning. It was awful, but now my house is junk-free and smells like bleach. Love!
Sweater: I can't remember. Story of my life.
Skirt: F21
Belt: Stolen from a skirt I bought at Urban Trend
Bracelet: Inspired Silver. Even though it's gold.
Ring and earrings: F21
Trench: I bought it online but the tag just says "twentyone" but I don't think like, F21 so I really have no clue. Thanks, online shopping. Regardless, I love yellow with leopard. Happy times!
Shoes: Qupid


Shoe shot time! I wanted these for like, a month before I bucked up and bought them. My husband thinks they're ridiculous but he generally thinks all of my shoes are ridiculous. He has like, three pairs. It's embarrassing.

Anyway, you may have noticed that Freaky Friday was missing last week. My computer had a seizure on Friday and I called it good and went out to play with friends instead. The level of commitment I have to this blog is astounding.

Since it's Monday, I'm trying to get off of my weekend hangover by thinking up some of the good things that have happened today. Here are a few:
-I went to lend my copy of The Hunger Games to my sister-in-law and found $10 stashed inside. I'm pretty sure it's my brother's. I'm going to spend it anyway.
-I went to Pilates class and had my butt handed to me, but now I feel so strong I could tear the head off of a billy goat. Don't mess with me today.
-Kid's Netflix. Need I say more?
-I have to go grocery shopping today, which is lame, but I love the day after you grocery shop and there's SO MUCH FOOD. Especially since I've been living on Reese's Eggs for the past weekend. My Mini Eggs were all gone.
-My house is already clean, so when my kids take a nap I won't feel guilty for reading a book and watching Real Housewives of Orange County. Winning!

Anybody else have any Monday goodness to share?

Spring Trends and How to Wear 'Em: 2012

It's that time again! Time when I sift through all of the stuff that magazines say "YOU MUST HAVE" to bring you the most wearable trends available. Some are so not wearable at all. One I saw was colored camo. Really? We're doing colored camo now? That might work in the city, but I live where people actually go hunting and I Would be laughed at if I showed up in puprle camo. So I'll leave that one to the city slickers. I kid you not, the other day I drove behind a truck with a big old dead deer in the back and every time they turned a corner I'd see it roll around. It was So. Gross. Sometimes I think I'll never get used to living here.

But all dead deer aside, there are some seriously cute trends going on this spring that you -- yes, even you who wears sweatpants to WalMart -- can try to look like you know stuff about fashion. I *love* knowing stuff.

OK, time for my usual disclaimer here. As usual, remember that trends are trendy. That means you really don't need to go crazy with them. See what's new and pick a few things that you want to try for yourself on the cheap. That way, if yo don't like it, you haven't spent major moolah on stuff you'll never wear again. And please, don't wear these all at once. You'll look crazy. Crazy like a person with a dead deer in your truck.

Shall we?

1) Orange!

BKE lace top, $25
Knee length skirt, £17
2 Lips Too peep toe platform pumps, $45
H M leather shoulder bag, £25
Mantaray logo watch, £20
Miso flower earrings, £6
Wet Seal rope belt, $11

Orange is THE color du jour and I kind of love it. Remember when everything was all about mustard in the fall? It's now all about super bright orange. The color you want almost looks like it's been mixed with coral. You're going to see a lot of coral and orange in this post because it's gonna be big. Just make sure that when you wear orange, you steer clear of black. It's not Halloween. I like it with navy and white as neutrals. PS I must have striped wedges this year. MUST.

2) Peplum Dresses

Dorothy Perkins v neck dress, $49
Rampage platform shoes, $40
Star by Julien Macdonald flap handbag, £21
Turquoise bangle, $29
Topshop leather jewelry, $20

I could not love a human baby as much as I love this trend. Peplum (the fancy British name for the little ruffle at the hip) dresses are SO amazing for spring and I already bought mine -- it's the teal dress I have. But I also want this one. Unfortch, it's sold out and that makes me very sad. But you get the idea. The trend is alll about a super feminine, vintage look. Just don't go crazy. I've seen some crazy peplum dresses that have like, a full skirt on top of a skirt. This isn't Inception. Look for small details that make a big difference. Then wear it will all of your most proper accessories.

3) Exaggerated Prints

Summer dress, £30
H M leather jacket, £30
Sodamix Tropical print maxi, £30
Navy and Fuchsia V-neck Maxi Dress, $47
Forever 21 platform wedge, $27
ALDO platform high heels, $41
Stud earrings, $5.99
VIcenza beaded cuff bracelet, £6
Gold necklace, $25
Michael Michael Kors Mk Plate Jelly, $49

Yaaaay it's maxi dress season again! I am so excited to drag them all out again. But this year, it's all about exaggerated prints. We're look for huge graphics, bold colors and prints that look like a magnifying glass has been zeroed in on a piece of material. This goes for just about everything -- skirts, tops, cardigans, whatever. Just look for non-boring patterns. Last year it was all about vintage-y, scattered prints, but this year, the bolder the better. You can still wear your solid maxis though. I absolutely will be doing the same thing.

4) Pastels

Splendid striped shirt, £66
Blazer, £28
Hollister Co. faded jeans, $50
Call it SPRING ballerina flat, $40
Beige handbag, £15
Stone jewelry, $17

Spring means pastels, but they don't have to be Easter egg colors. This tank, with the brighter pastels makes me die inside. When you want to try pastels, make it look as crisp as possible. I love them with a white blazer or cardigan and a dark wash denim. That way, the look isn't wishy washy Laura Ashley. Finally, always add in a harder-edged element. A chained bag makes this look less like Easter Sunday and more everyday cuteness.

5) Color Blocking

Wallis tie shirt, $44
Hollister Co. skinny leg jeans, $50
Flat heels, $36
Faux leather handbag, $48
Mango silk shawl, £15
ASOS skinny belt, $11

If you've never heard of color blocking, you've probably never been on Pinterest. Seriously, this it ALL of what's over there. Color blocking means putting large pieces of solid color against each other. But some people can look like crazyperson clowns when color blocking, so here's a more tame version. I'm all about color blocking in accessories. The shoes and scarf hit the trend without it looking crazy. Now, a seasoned blocker would put this outfit with like, green skinnies. But that's super advanced. A dark wash denim tones down the whole outfit. Then, add a neutral bag to anchor everything and you can wear super bright colors without looking like your 5 year old picked out your outfit.

OK, those are my top five for the season. Now I feel like I need to rush off to the store for some turquoise flats and a lemon yellow belt, but that will have to wait. I have a very important schedule of cleaning my house on tap today. Fashion must take a backseat to the small mountain of pistachio shells currently residing on my desk. They're grossing me out.

So spill: which trend are you most excited to try this spring?

What I Wore: Spring Fling

OK, so I might be jumping the gun on this one. But this weekend was so glorious and sunny and warm that I had to drag out my bermudas to see the light of day again. I missed them! And it become a "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie" scenario, where if I wore my shorts, I needed to get out my yellow wedges. And if I wore my yellow wedges, I had to wear a bright necklace. And on it went. I wore this with a skirt for church and then promptly changed into shorts for a Sunday nap, a walk around the block and family dinner.

Of course, they're saying it will be lovely all week and then snowy again on the weekend. KILL ME. I moved to Utah to escape the neverending Canadian winters. Now it's warm up there and cold down here and I'm thinking I made a mistake. Ah well. In a few months I'll be complaining about heat and you'll be like "OMG Jae shutup."


Button updown: American Eagle
Sweater: Banana Republic
Shorts: Gap
Wedges: Nine West
Bracelet (actually a necklace) Buckle
Ring and earrings: F21


Not gonna lie, the bright colors made me oh so very happy. Any time I get to wear yellow shoes, I'm in a good mood.

Now all I need is a tan. Pleaseaohpleaseohplease stay warm.

What say ye? Is it shorts weather where you are yet?

Freaky Friday

Happy Friday everyone! I just got back from a yoga class so I'm feeling pretty zen. Also, I'm craving a pastrami burger, which happens EVERY TIME I do yoga. Don't even ask.

I'm playing "good mom" today by heading back to the air gym where the fateful back-dive happened. I'm definitely not going to be playing today. Safely on the sidelines, thank you.

Today's FF is almost entirely driven by readers. I heart you with much hearting, readers. Keep 'em coming!




WHY is there so much unicorn stuff out there? Is there really a market for anime-type dresses like this? Ugh, sometimes my daughter makes me watch The Last Unicorn with her. Is it me or is it the worst movie ever made? So I feel like I have a general grudge against unicorns.

In other news, I now hate rainbows and lollipops.

(Thanks Sara!)


Then Shawna sent this along with the idea that this girl should hook up with my unicorn man from last year. I think Shawna is more legit than the Millionaire Matchmaker. Aw, little demented baby unicorns!


Ashely sent me an entire website of shoes just like these. And by "just like these" I meant "that looked like native American llamas with sexy hair.


Francie sent me what might be the worst shoes ever. Clogs are ugly enough without needing conditioner too. Seriously... I feel like these belong in Dr. Seuss and not in modern society.



Kara sent me these Prada shoes which remind me of the Hunger Games. Does anyone want to buy them for me so I can dress up while I'm waiting in line for tickets in a couple of weeks? I totally wish I could dress up for the Hunger Games. I'm a huge HG nerd to the point that I get emotional over the previews. Please tell me I'm not alone in this.

(Team Gale! Because he's hotter and makes me feel like less of a creepy cougar!)


Yay more Rufio shoes! Ru-fi-ohhhhhhhhh.


Sheriece sent me these. I love it. Watching someone tap his crotch while looking at a computer doesn't seem suspicious. At all. Definitely try it at Starbucks.

On the bright side, I think I found Nemo.

(Thanks, Kara!)


A little less starch next time, probably. Also, can I pack a soggy PB&J and apple in her? That would be convenient.


Hillary called this a Care Bear on crack. I was thinking more along the lines of the weird villains that always fight the Power Rangers. That never really die but more turn to glitter so as not to upset the little ones.

Translation: You'll probably see Lady Gaga wearing this soon.


Becky sent me what might be the worst pants EVER made. Here's a tip ladies, you never want men to associate your legs with a jungle. It's just not great. Unless you're married to Bear Grylls, in which case jungle pants might be exciting in an eat-a-snake, drink-your-urine kind of way.

I know I complain about bad fashion a lot, but if there wasn't any, we wouldn't have Freaky Friday. So thanks, bad designers of the world. Keep putting out crap!

Happy weekend!

Fast Fixes for Weird Hair Issues

Am I the only one whose hair totally freaks out every winter? It's like it finally can't handle the dryness and indoor heating so it punishes me by sticking up all over the place and getting caught in the car door when I'm in a rush. This happens to me DAILY and makes me want to say bad words and yell at inanimate objects.

So this year, I set about trying to find ways to deal with my biggest hair issues, which are usually weird sticky-uppy hairs, static and overstyling. Can I tell you what works for me? Keep in mind my hair type, because it's pretty average and these fixes will work for most people like me, but not for like, crazy extreme cases. But then you can totally tell us in the comments what you do for your hair and all will be right with the world.

Major Static

Seriously, static is the bane of my existence, and it's so so bad when I let my hair air dry. Which is great because I let my hair air dry like, five days out of seven. So I've played around with a few different products to tame the hair that looks like it desperately trying to escape from my head.

Once I'm done shampooing, I use my conditioner and rinse it out. Then, just before i hop out of the shower, I grab another dime-sized amount of conditioner and smooth it all the way through my hair, but then don't rinse it out. This helps to add a little extra weight to my noggin to cut down on static.

When that isn't enough, I also use a finishing product. Cream-based ones are definitely the best for me. I like a styling creme that I run through my hair at the very end of styling, but guess what else works? Hand cream. When I'm in a pinch ie: in public and away from my massive store of products, I just wet my hands with water, get a pump of hand lotion and distribute it through my hair. Ta-da!

Weird, Baby Hairs

Do you guys know what I'm talking about when I saw "baby hairs?" Let me create a beautiful picture for you.

So last October, I was going through some major professional stress. I was making the jump from working for a specific company to going freelance and the transition was HARD. So I was super stressed out and for some reason my body likes to interpret stress as a cue to make me go completely bald. I lost SO. MUCH. HAIR. I would run my hand through it and come up with a handful of strands. Gross, right?

Well, everything worked out and I'm a happy little freelancer and that's great, but now all of that hair I lost has been growing back in. Yay, right! No. It stands up all over my head and I look like a crazy person who has been electrocuted. That is not hot. If you've ever had this problem, here's how to fix it.

First, get to your hairdresser. Like, now. When I explained my issue, my main hair girl cut in some bangs and layers so the baby hairs blended in. Then, I learned to never flip my head upside down when I blowdry. I usually looove to do this to get honkin' huge hair, but when I'm dealing with these little baby hairs I've gotta keep it smooth. That means blowdrying at a downward angle and smoothing them out as I go. Add a little serum to finish and bye-bye babies!

Over-Styling

OK, so this is totally superfluous and shouldn't matter, but it irks me. My hair holds a curl really, really well. Like, to the point that if I'm not careful, I look like a deranged Shirley Temple. That's no bueno! So I've learned to relax on the overstyling so that my curls look more grown-up. How?

Well, first, I use a flat iron to curl my hair. If you don't know about this I don't think we can be friends. Second, when I've done the curl, I quickly grab it and yank it down while the hair is still warm. This helps to loosen it up. Finally, I flat iron the ends a little straight. That way you get beachy waves instead of Toddlers and Tiaras curls. That's creepy.

Hair still totally freaking out?

It's called a hat. Get one. They're cute as long as it's not a daily thing and you don't wear gross trucker hats like that phase that Paris Hilton went through.


So, spill. What's your worst hair problem and how do you deal? I am completely aware that there are bigger fish to fry in the world right now but seriously, if my hair looks bad, no one in my house is having a good day. lol, kidding! Sort of.

What I Wore: Cocktail

(OMG, remember that movie? Cocktail? One time we watched it in Sociology class in school and I still have no idea why. It did give be a burning desire to become a fancy bartender with smooth moves, though.)

SO I just spent the night with a barfy kid. My thanks to whoever allowed their sick child to lick the grocery cart before I used it. Really, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

But on Friday night I was much farther away from The Great Kindergartner Sickness of '12. I was helping out at a benefit for our hospital's NICU. Each year they do an event with an auction and entertainment to benefit the pediatric and NIC unit of three of our local hospitals. As a NICU volunteer, I'm all over that business. I was helping out with the silent auction, which basically meant I stood around and tried to encourage bidding wars between rich guys.

The event is semi-formal and cocktail attire, but some people go crazy. Floor-length gowns are always my favorite. I was telling my friend that it would be totally boss if some lady showed up with a fox fur, but no such luck. So I decided to err on the side of cocktail/semi-formal and break out my new cocktail dress, even though I totally would love to show up in a floor-length ballgown. This dress is one of about 10 cocktail frocks that I own, despite the fact that I never actually drink cocktails.


Dress: Dorothy Perkins
Jacket: F21
Shoes: Windsor
Bracelet + Ring: Charlotte Russe
Sweet mother of mercy I need a tan.

(Fun story about this dress! I saw it on Pinterest and became very obsessed and convinced my husband to buy it for me when I was in a bad mood. He can and will buy my love. I love the color TOO Much and it also comes in jade green, coral, black and cream. I DIE.)


I went all Magyver and wore the same outfit on Sunday because I slept in. SCORE. Also, this is what happens when I let my 3 year old pose the shot for me. Tyra would be proud.


Yes, a giant turquoise cocktail ring was necessary.

And lest you think I'm some kind of superhero, I only lasted in these shoes for about 2.5 hours. After my part in the silent auction was over and I was headed to stuff my face with like, soup shooters and shrimp scampi, I changed into my lace flats. I have my limits, people. My feet thanked me the next morning.

So, today I've done a complete 180 and declaring it a sick kid movie day. I shall wear my pajamas with pride!