Freaky Friday: The Oscars

There is TOO much to discuss for Freaky Friday today. If you emailed or posted Freaky Friday entries to me this week, never fear, I shall post them next week. But today, today I have to talk about The Oscars and a little about a certain actress who like to put out certain Spring shopping lists that tally up to thousands of dollars and makes me angry.

Shall we? I feel like I need to address each one of these personally. I hope all of these celebs read my site. I can only imagine that they do.



You knew I had to start with Angelina Jolie, right?

Dear Angelina Jolie (Can I call you Anglie? I feel like I can do that.)

I don't know if you remembered this, but you're ANGELINA effing JOLIE. You've been named the Most Beautiful Person in the Universe Throughout All History like, 24 times. You're married to Brad Pitt and have a cool, multicultural family. You once wore a vial of Billy Bob Thorton's blood around your neck.

WHY ARE YOU TRYING SO HARD?

Yes, I noticed that your dress had a slit. But shoving your bony leg in everyone's direction is weird. You don't need to do that. You DO need to eat a sandwich, but you don't need to show me your slit. I KNOW.

On the bright side, your makeup looks lovely.

Kisses!
Jae


Dear Sandra.

We would totally be friends in real life. I just know it. We could braid each other's hair and I could play with your cute black baby and you could dish about how Jesse James is actually illiterate. It would be awesome.

If we were IRL friends and I saw you try on this dress and you asked me how it looked, I'd be all "Oh honey you look like a lobster is attacking your waist and you have man shoulders" And then we'd laugh and you'd buy me a car and we'd be best friends forever.

Kisses,
Jae


Dear Melissa,

I know you won an Oscar last year and that's a lot to live up to, especially because after Halle Berry won, she mat cinematic gems like Catwoman. I get that. But showing up to the Oscars dressed like a showgirl slash waitress is not going to snag you any auditions. Also, I don't know what's on your wrist, but when it's paired with that dress it basically looks like a calculator watch.

Kisses,
Jae


Dear Ms. Paltrow.

We are not friends. I am mad at you. You released your must-have shopping list for Spring and it totaled over $20,000. Not cool, man. Not cool.

First, there is a pair of elastic-waist denim shorts on your list. Really? REALLY.

Also, everything on the list is another piece of clothing with a boyfriend blazer on top. I get it, you like blazers. Not sure why we all need 72 of them, but OK.

And what planet do you live on where any of your readers have $20,000 to blow on elasticized shorts or a body con dress to "wear to work"? Here are some other things that I would rather spend $20,000 on.
1) A new car without goldfish crumbs down the middle of the seats.
2) A trip to Europe where I get mixed up with a famous debutante and have amazing adventures with my friends. Yes, that is the plot of Monte Carlo.
3) An ill-conceived night in Vegas.
4) Roughly 500 pairs of shoes.
5) The services of a baby concierge to give my next kid a cooler, more obscure name than your child's. I'm hoping something along the lines of Cantaloupe Coolmuffin.

Also, a cape at the Oscars? What are you, the most nasal-y superhero ever?

Kisses,
Jae


Dear Rose,

I feel like you want to sneak in everyone's houses and kill them in their sleep. I'm sure you're a lovely girl -- could I suggest a dress that's long enough next time?

Kisses,
Jae


Hey, Rooney

I know everyone is like, drinking the Rooney KoolAid and crying over how awesome you are, but you look like Lady Gaga's sailor kid sister here. This dress would have been fine without the upside down bra.

Also... sandwich!

Kisses,
Jae


Jenny from the Block,

QUE!? Are you talking to me?

Without the arm cutouts, this dress would be passable. What I have issue with here is the hair. I wore my hair like this to the gym today. You can do better.

Kisses,
Jae


Dear Glennie

After Natalie Portman and Michelle Williams, I legitimately thought you were the best dressed of the night. Green? You're awesome. Your body looks insane and the tuxedo jacket makes you look age appropriate a la Helen Mirren. Could you give a few lessons to Diane Keaton? She's still wandering around looking like Annie Hall and it's sad.

Kisses,
Jae


So what do you think? Want to contest me on any of these? There were so many "meh" dresses this year that it was hard to choose. Although, I'll admit that I don't care about who won or anything like that. Watching famous people pat themselves on the back is a little hard to bear, so I ended up watching The Amazing Race instead.

(photo creds)

Dealing with a Tiny Clothing Budget

OMG I cannot wait for Friday so we can finally talk about the slit heard 'round the world from Angelina Jolie. Did you know her right leg now has it's own Twitter feed. I kid you not.

But today, can we talk budgets? I get approached by various companies hoping to do a review or giveaway or whatever, but a lot of times I turn them down because their product is out of what I would spend on something. I know my audience, and mostly, my audience is 20- and 30-something moms that have smallish clothing budgets. You're probably not going to drop $200 on a pair of lambskin gloves, am I right? Besides, it was a LAMB. Someone skinned a LAMB.

I feel your pain when it comes to budget. We all know by now that my husband and I were basically destitute when we first got married. He went to school and worked two jobs while I waited for my immigration papers to go through. It was a dark, dark period in my life, during which I did uncharacteristic things like scrapbooked and went for walks.

*shudder*

But hello, we're not millionaires. And when I spend too much on clothes, I definitely get a stern look from my hubs, but it doesn't last long because later he'll get hungry and literally doesn't know how to peel an orange without my help. So I try to keep the monthly total as low as possible to spare our marriage and save me from a fleeting stern look. If you're trying to do the same, shall we talk bargain hunting tips?

-Buy accessories. I think I say this a lot. A huge cocktail ring is seriously like, $4 at F21. It'll make all the difference in a plain outfit and it's totally worth the one dollar bills you have floating around the bottom of your diaper bag. Wanna know what I do? I empty out my pockets into my vanity when I'm getting ready for bed at night and then use all the ones that I've accumulated to buy pretty things. Of course, buying everything with ones kinda makes you look like a stripper, but at least a stripper with really good taste in cocktail rings.

-Hit the sales racks. Most stores start clearing out winter stuff for summer inventory by the end of January and February, which is ludicrous because there is definitely still snow on the ground where i live. I've scored tons of great deals on jackets, sweaters and boots by waiting for a bit to buy. No, seriously. Once my husband tried on a jacket he loved, but we couldn't justify the $100 price tag. Come March, it was $15 so I bought it and looked like a high roller. So check out the clearance section... just watch out for the freak sizes. WHO is a size 00. WHO!?

-Give yourself a budget. So I like to shop. That shouldn't be a surprise to anyone. But I don't always blow a huge amount of money on an entirely new wardrobe in one day. In fact, that's never happened -- you know that a lot of the stuff I have is literally years old. Instead, I usually see what I can score for under $30 or $40 and that way, I'm pushed to find better deals and I get in less trouble.

-Save up for big sales. I love the Memorial Day sale in Park City. But I don't want to give the hubs a heart attack, so I usually restrict my spending in May. That way, I do less of a walk of shame when heading back with my purchases because It's about what I would spend in a month anyway.

-Take inventory. Whenever I complain that I have nothing to wear, I need a complete reality check. We talked about wardrobes having good bones, right? Check out your closet and deal with the stuff you had. Not in an annoying "Frugalistashopyourclosetrecessionchic" way, because that makes me barf. But what about taking an afternoon when your kids are out of the house, blasting the Bon Jovi and going through your closet? Actually try stuff on and see how you can mix and match what you already have to come up with new combos. You can also get rid of old stuff. I'll take a bare closet filled with awesome staples over a packed closet filled with crap that doesn't fit any day.

Confession time: sometimes, when I get home from a shopping trip with like, a new scarf, I try stuff on in a weird, teen movie makeover montage way. Try it!

-Swap with friends. Every magazine ever is going on about clothing swaps with friends, but that's not what I mean. Mostly because I don't want to give away my clothes, ever. But I will literally let anyone borrow my clothes and shoes. Like, pretend you're invited to a work cocktail party with your husband. If you don't already have a cocktail dress in your closet, you probably don't want to spend major dough on something you'll wear once. Check with your same-sized friends to see if anyone else does. I'm always happy to lend out my duds to save a friend from budget blowout.

-Invest in the good stuff. Buying a $10 pair of jeans is great -- if you plan on wearing them once in a while. But if you're a die-hard jeans lover and wear them every day, it's best to spend more on a better pair than to buy five pairs of crap quality pants. I invest in daily-wear shoes, but I'll definitely bargain-hunt on a pair of crazy heels.

Is this doable? I feel like there's nothing earth-shattering here (except for the part where I divulged that I listen to Bon Jovi when nobody is home), but sometimes it's worth the reminder that a tiny budget doesn't mean you can go shopping in your South Park pajama pants, (seriously WHY) .

Although I will admit that I totally went to the store to buy toilet paper in my workout clothes today. It was gross and sweaty and I don't want to talk about it.

What I Wore: Impulse Buy

I am the worst when it comes to impulse buying. I just get super distracted by everything else that I see. Then I have what I call "non-buyer's remorse," where if I don't buy something I like, I lament over it for days. The two combined are not a pretty picture. On Friday I was shopping for earrings and other accessories when I came across this skirt and it literally just jumped into my bag. I don't even know what happened. It was just meant to be. Especially because I found it at F21 and shopping there is one of the most frustrating experiences of life. My kids were running around and hiding in racks, the music is always too loud and everything is neon. So when I find something there that I like, I buy it immediately and get the heck out of the store.

The shoes were an impulse buy when I was shopping with some friends a few weeks ago. It was finally non-snowy enough for me to actually wear them, so it was a good day by my measure. I'm easy to please mostly.




Sweater: GAP
Skirt: F21
Shoes: Delicious
Earrings: Local
Cuff watch: Gucci
Rings: lia sophia, Tiffany

Because the skirt was so interesting on its own, I kept everything else super simple. No belts or scarves or other crazy stuff. Just me, my impulse leather skirt and the open road. But not really. Also, I've had this sweater forevvvvvver. I don't wear it very often but I super love the color.




How much fun are these? But you know what wasn't fun? These hurt. I made it through three hours and then was like GET THEM OFF OF ME. But it was totally worth it.


My son wanted to show you his muscles. I wanted to show you my most attractive face EVER and my messy kitchen. Mission accomplished.


Never fear, though. I did actually buy some of the stuff that I was shopping for on Friday. This week is slammed with my daughter's birthday party and a benefit for the hospital that I volunteer with. I'll be on my feet all night, so these shoes are definitely out.

Even I have my limits. Shoe shopping anyone?

Also, was anyone else watching the Oscars just for the dresses? I loved Natalie Portman's vintage Dior and Michelle Williams' dress, but was Gwyneth Paltrow for real wearing a cape? Also, how badly did Angelina Jolie want you to know that she had a slit in her dress? Every single picture and even on stage it was like "Oh this? This is just my crotch-high slit NBD." I'll do a better roundup on Friday, but for real. Who was your favorite?

Freaky Friday

Happy weekend peeps and peepsters (I have no idea what I Just said.) We've had a bunch of new readers lately, so if this is your first time experiencing some sweet Freaky Friday action, get ready. It's awesome. Then, check out the Facebook page, where we continue the discussion on the Kardashians and how I hate see-through pants. It's fun, I promise.

And for my usual readers, hi! I love you. Let's hang out, k? I have a big mission planned for Friday. Today's "good mom" activity is to take my kids to the doctor because my daughter needs a shot and then to head to the Disney Store to make her stop crying. I'm also on a mission to find some fly accessories for a cocktail dress. Yes, I just used "fly" in a sentence like it was 1993. I also listen to "Push It" a lot and sometimes reference In Living Color. Deal with it.


Janelle sent me this beaut on the Facebook page. THIS is why instead of asking your husband "Does this make me look fat?" you should always ask "Are these non-pants completely see-through to the point that you can see my butt dimples?" You'll probably get a more honest answer that way.


There could literally not be another thing wrong with these pants. They are stretchy, too-short butt-munching overalls worn jumper-style without a shirt by a model who needs a sandwich. It's like someone read this site and decided to marry all the things that I hate on one garment. If only they were acid wash!


WHY did I find this AFTER Valentine's Day!? (Sorry to all of my family members who read this blog.) Changes the meaning of "bacon lover" a little bit, doesn't it? Are you a bacon lover, or a BACON LOVER?



At first I was like "Ew, is that a horse on her head" and then I looked some more and realized I was looking at a tusked pig and everything was right with the world again.




Sara sent this to me with the subject "Breastplate shirt" and I was like hey, we all have to protect our girls somehow, amiright? Bacon bra or tin-plated shirt... tomato, tomahto.


I am totally the kind of person who will stay up till 2 am watching the history channel to learn more about King Tut's wives and whatnot, so I feel like I'm basically an expert. And I also feel like this swimsuit is not historically accurate. Also, I would feel uncomfortable that the graphic on my swimwear feels the need to cover me with his hands. Who knew Tut was such a stickler for modesty?


I saw these on Pinterest and the pinner was like "I need these so bad!" I was like uh, you "need" to have flotation devices strapped to your feet? What is this, Waterworld? I hope you also "need" ankle rehabilitation following a bad sprain after you fall off of your stupid 10" shoes.


Business in the front, lonely cat lady in the back.



If you ever wondered what happens when a carnival clown and a punk rocker vomit concurrently.


Actually, the more I look at this, the more I like it. I would love to wear this during the following times:
-When flying with my children.
-When I put on a jacket that is too small in the fitting room and can't get out of it again. Instant hyperventilation.
-When a store doesn't have a leopard skin skirt in my size (I'm looking at you, F21).
-When I see women in mom jeans.
-When I see men in mom jeans (OMG SO MUCH WORSE)
-When I find out that the next season of Downton (not Downtown, which is what my husband calls it) Abbey doesn't air until next year (seriously, just kill me.)
-When I find out that my daughter ate my last Canadian chocolate bar. Like seriously, I could just put her up for adoption for that.


I love these shoes that Ashley sent me. They're like tiny geriatric walkers for your feet. I would like them more if those little balls were actually tennis balls.


Alright, your Friday awaits! As always, thanks to the friends who send me ugly stuff throughout the week, it warms my cold little heart. I'll keep you up to date on my fly accessories hunt. I know you'll be waiting on pins and needles.

Jae's Guide to Accessorizing

The bulk of emails that I get are usually about how to accessorize an outfit. And while I usually answer those emails on a case-by-case basis, I can definitely give out some basics on accessorizing an outfit in general. Let's remember to not go too crazy with this, mmkay? When it comes to accessories, there aren't a lot of hard and fast rules. At the risk of sounding insane, I think it's kind of instinctual. Like, I lack all maternal instinct but I Have well-sharpened accessories insticnts. If you know what looks good, you know what looks good and can do whatever. Otherwise you can check out this guide on some cheats on how to make it look like you know what you're doing. It's all about faking it.

What? Who said that?

ANYWAY. Below you'll find some OK examples and the better versions of each for your visual enjoyment. Look at the small version for the ho-hum version and the big ones to see how I Jae-ified it. That's totally a word. What did we ever do before Polyvore!?

Below the knee dress, £25
GUESS metallic pumps, $50
Principles by Ben de Lisi silver clutch handbag, £28
Carolee jewelry, $50
Gold plating jewelry, $23


Accessories should enhance NOT overshadow your clothing. If you have clothes that have a cool feature (like the shoulder detail on this dress) you could lose the interest if you clutter it up with chunk jewelry right on top as well. Instead of a necklace, earrings are a better fit. They'll bring the attention upward and then it's like Oh, hey look at my cool shoulder detail I'm so fashionable. I also like to put space between my accessories. I rarely wear both earrings and a necklace at the same time because I like my accessories to kind of hold their own. These earrings are major and would be ruined when worn with a chunky necklace too. Also... these shoes own my soul (SOLE!) I kill myself.

Daytrip oversized cardigan, $44
Jersey top, £27
Hollister Co. light wash jeans, $35
Banana Republic ballet flat shoes, $46
Red Herring python handbag, £32
Wet Seal seed bead necklace, $8.50
Facets jewelry, $13
Cluster necklace, $14

Accessories should totally add interest to an outfit. If it's not going to make an impact, leave it in the jewelry box. I mean, I'm totally a jeans and a T-shirt girl during the week, but when those jeans are worn with studded flats and the tee has a chunky necklace it suddenly becomes an outfit. And if you're not into super flashy patterns, just use them in your shoes and bag. It's a super sneaky way to look more fashion-conscious without actually changing your basics. Hello? How easy is a red shirt and blue jeans. ANYONE CAN DO THIS. But OMG you guys, I still see moms in acid wash elastic waist jeans. Did I say moms? I meant Miley Cyrus.

H M wrap shirt, £7.99
Wallis pencil skirt, £20
Red high heels, $44
Navy blue pumps, $30
Teardrop earrings, $40
Amrita singh jewelry, $20
Wallis red ring, £8.75
Betty Jackson. Black stud earrings, £8
Mango black belt, £23
Leopard print belt, £20

Guess what? Matchy matchiness is only OK if you're competing in MotherBoy XXX.

Anyone? Anyone?


Moving on....


But seriously. When you match every part of your outfit, it looks a little newbie-ish, I'm not gonna lie. I like a mix of patterns and colors because it makes an outfit more interesting and it's pretty difficult to go wrong. Unless you're dressing like a complete hobo, in which case I disapprove. But seriously. Instead of doing a singular color theme, mix it up and have fun! I love the two types of animal print in an outfit like this. Because the color palette is neutral, it works. And red shoes match everything. EVERYTHING, I SAY! You should have some. The trick to making this look on purpose is to have a couple of things kind of match. Like the red in the shoes and the ring or the belt and the earrings. Just don't go overboard or you'll look like a contestant on Toddlers and Tiaras.

Hopefully that makes sense. If you keep these three things in mind: Accessory restraint, accessory interest and accessory mixing in mind when you shop, you can totally swing this. And then you can look smugly down upon Miley Cyruses mom jeans like I do.

What I Wore: Hot Date

After all of the craziness of last week, with V-day and my son's 3rd birthday, I absolutely did not want to be a "good mom." You see, every Friday I'm totally a "good mom" and take the mini-me's to do something fun, like when I nearly broke my collarbone at the air gym SO FUN YOU GUYS. It's really just my way of making up for my craptastic parenting skills on Monday through Thursday. But on Friday the only thing that sounded good to me was two hours in a dark theater with a tub of popcorn. Luckily, "The Secret World of Arietty" came out that day and my wish was granted. It was actually pretty good! And that means I didn't just slump down in my chair and cruise Pinterest like I did that time my kids wanted to see "Hoodwinked Too."

So, this is what I wear when I go on a romantical date with my two small children. Mostly, it's my mission in life to prove that motherhood doesn't have to be lame and yoga pants-inducing.


Tank: Tilly's
Sweater: No earthly idea
Pearls: Nordstrom
Jeans: Charlotte Russe
Shoes: Guess
Bag: Guess (I like Guess accessories despite the fact that their clothes make me look like a high-priced escort.)

The heels on these pointy shoes are deceivingly low, so they look way cooler than they actually are. I just don't do anything over 3 inches on weekdays. Speaking of which, I still have yet to wear my new purple shoes because it snowed AGAIN over the weekend. My shoes need to be WORN, mother nature! Don't hate.


I just ordered this shirt and love it. The cuts on the side? Adorbs.


This is easily my favorite picture of the day. My 5 year old was taking pictures (as per usual) and my son decided to ride into the shot on his new scooter. Which is about the same time I started threatening with his life because we were going to be LATE FOR THE MOVIE.

Just so you don't think I live this sophisticated and serene life. I yell. A lot. For every good picture there's seven of me yelling at my son or giving my daughter the stinkeye.



Oh wells. I was too excited about this pearls/snakeskin/exposed zipper combo to stay mad for long. Also -- proof I do have all of my teeth.

The best parts about taking your kids on a date to the movies on a Friday afternoon? 1) No other kids in the theatre. Mine were the only ones because everyone else was either 16 or 75. 2) I didn't badger my husband into taking me to a movie that he would regret, like the time I made him see "Monte Carlo."

Everyone wins!

Freaky Friday: Shoes

I'll be the first to admit that shoes are kind of my "thing." I buy them way too often and have way too many pairs and I just don't care. My mom is a motivational speaker and she went to an engagement where she mentioned ON STAGE that her daughter had 107 pairs of shoes and she said the all-female audience audibly GASPED. Like really? Is that really gasp-worthy?

But shoes. I like how much they can change an outfit so I make it a point to spend some serious shopping budget money on them. Shoes and books are basically where all of my disposable income lands. Le sigh.

But some shoes are so bad. I know, I have some in my closet. Remember my clodhoppers from my teen years? Yeah, I still have them. I moved them from Canada to Utah for heaven's sakes. Bad shoes are so awesomely amazing that they deserve their own FF post.

Lisa sent me these flotation devices to check out. Is it me, or are these totally Clueless-era 90s? Like, I can picture myself wearing them while paging through my Seventeen magazine and making a homemade face mask out of oatmeal and rocking out to Chumbawumba. Yes, that all happened once.

OK, twice.


(Thanks, Janelle.) I don't understand people who want to get married like, while skydiving or underwater. It's WEIRD and we all know those are the weddings that always lose on Four Weddings. But I guess if you were getting married in a SCUBA suit, these would make you look more feminine? Plus, they would make a sexy "SHLOP SHLOP" noise as you walked down the dock. The honeymoon has begun!


K, not only are these shoes completely HIDEOUS, but they make the model's foot look like little hoofs. Little hippie cougar prostitute hoofs.


Betty Rubble... so hot right now.


I know I've posted some awesome Uncle Jesse denim shoes before, but these once that Leah sent take the cake. I feel like these are way more Bret Michaels than Uncle Jesse, because Uncle Jesse at least had good hair and that redeemed him. These are more like date-skanky-girls-on-unexplainable-hit-TV-show-and-end-up-with-ex-wife-ish.


These were listed as "Eskimo Clogs." Listen, I'm from Canada -- so I basically grew up in an igloo -- and I will tell you a hundred percent that this is a misnomer. For one, we call them Inuits. For two, no self-respecting Inuit would wear plaid shoes. Please.


Is it weird that I want to reach out and stroke this shoe? Is it even weirder that I might have stroked the screen instead? Did I just make you uncomfortable?


Yup, this shoe 100 percent has a tail. I'm the find of person who habitually steps on my husband's heel while we're walking around together. I would go out of my way to step on someone's shoetail. Sorry, that's just the kind of person I am.



I never want to wear a shoe that gives a person the cause to wonder if my ankles need a bit of a trim.


UGH OXFORD SHOES. Burn with fire!! Just for funsies, I was out shopping with two of my single brothers and I brought them to a wall of these shoes and demanded to know their opinions. Mostly, they just made dry heaving noises. I took that as a negative. Seriously. I hate hipster shoes.


Luckily, there are more cute shoes than there are uglies. I almost bought a pair while looking for shoes for this post but I stopped myself. And by "stopped myself" I mean "got all the way to the checkout to find out they didn't have my size."

Self control, people.