Freaky Friday: Reader Submissions

Hey guys, you all know how much I love you, right? Blogging seriously sucks if you don't have awesome readers and hilarious comments and if I didn't get either I'd basically become depressed and eat more Chick-Fil-A than I already do (and trust me, the entire chain is not ready for that.)

My favorite thing about my readers is that they always take time to send me awesome Freaky Friday posts, which make me inexplicably happy. Let's keep doing that, OK? You can email them over or post them on the Facebook page (see the box to the right) so we can all make fun.

But seriously, let's check out some of the stuff you lovelies sent me over the holidays.



Ohh more droopy pants from Stephanie. She knows how I roll. My favorite part is the loin cloth that ties to the knees for no reason at all.



Anna alerted me to this picture of Jennifer Hudson.

*Awkward pause* Um, look. Jennifer. Jenn. Jenny. I'm really ahppy you're skinny and stuff now, but that does NOT make it OK for you to dress like Drew Barrymore from Never Been Kissed. For one, Drew Barrymore looks HORRIBLE in that movie. Secondly, she was high when she wore the outfit. SO. Yeah.


Stop looking so excited, Drew.


Nat (our former maternity fashion guru) sent me this on the Facebook page because she knows well that I have a peacock obsession.

I just wonder if it's ENOUGH peacock, you know? She could have at least worn a feather in her hair.


Ashley snapped a picture of these shoes when she went to a party over the holidays and I LOVE HER for it. Listen, ladies. If your shoes have eyes, they're probably looking up your skirt and that's weird and uncomfortable.

Andrea sent me this Vera Wang offering. What I love most is that it looks like my face when I really cold and wear a hoodie cinched as tight as it can go to stay warm. Except it is cinched around her crotch. I've never had cause to do that... even when it's really, really cold... but to each his own!

Also, I should point out that wearing my hoodie like that is super unattractive and I look like a small Gremlin and my husband makes fun of me. So I don't recommend it.


Oh, Mina, thank you for sending me these pants. It's proof that your pants don't have to be tight for you to have the droopiest case of camel toe EVER.

Also... those are some gnarly Aladdin ankles.


Like... I don't even dry clean clothes that say "dry clean only." Do you really think I'm going to detangle my dress? (Thanks, Tracy!)


I got these gems in my email from Beth. These 100 percent remind me of when the Beast turns into a human and for a few seconds he has weird foot-paw hybrids. And then I cry even though I'm a grown woman.

Thanks for the submissions friends, and keep 'em coming! I make audible *squee!* noises when I get them and they make us all happy, right?

Good Bones

*** Did any of you miss the most awesome Kardashian photo ever? If you did (and SHAME ON YOU) check out my page and let's all make fun. Also, I saw a headline that read -- not kidding -- "Kim Kardashian replaced by French bulldog in Super Bowl commercial. It was a great day. ***

SO. Today I wanted to talk about something that has always bugged me a little. And since I generally have a short fuse, that category includes things like helicopter parents, people who think that their baby is a genius, people who walk slow in malls, Lady Gaga's shenanigans and people who confuse tights as pants. But you know what really annoys me?

The show "What Not to Wear."

I mean, don't get me wrong, I love me a makeover show and I wish Clinton Kelly could join Tim Gunn and be my best gays -- or best... ambiguous sexual orientation friends -- but one thing really bothers me about the show. You know the part when they throw out all of the poor person's clothes? That bugs me.

Here's why. When was the last time a fairy godmother -- or Stacy London -- appeared out of nowhere with $5,000 for you to spend? So there's probably a good chance that you'll never in your entire life have cause to toss out your entire wardrobe and start fresh. So that means you're pretty much workin' with what you have at this point. And while some clothes really need to be trashed, I generally think it's a rare person who doesn't have the good bones of a decent wardrobe already in her closet.

Even if you don't have a ton of money to spend on your clothes, I bet you have a couple of bucks here and there to buy the elements that could update a sloppy tee or your old faithful pair of jeans. Can we talk about this and I'll show you how? While I wish I could go through everyone's closet and yank out the pieces that don't work, you'll have to be satisfied with seeing some of the ways you can work stuff you already own into different, HNTDLAM-approved looks.

A Sloppy Shirt


This Gap tee is one of the most unstructured pieces of clothing I own. In case you haven't noticed, I'm kind of a high-detail super structured girl. While I think it's great, it can definitely look a little sloppy when I wear it with the wrong stuff -- especially my husband's basketball shorts. And who doesn't own a baggy white tee? If you don't, I would say you're probably a martian. Either way, you can totally update it by pairing it with skinnies. These are my beloved red ones and I scored them for $19. I just tucked the shirt in messily and added some heels and it's an instant upgrade. Another thing I sometimes do to make a white tee look more feminine is just roll the sleeves up once or twice. It just makes it look a little less I-won-this-at-a-school-fundraiser-esque,

A Button-Up (Or Button-Down I am So Conflicted)

Abercrombie Fitch long sleeve shirt, $24
Billabong long maxi skirt, $44
Wet Seal flat shoes, $15
Pewter jewelry, $13
Pendant, $15

I confess, I think I like button ups more than the average bear. It's like I'm just drawn to them because I love masculine styles with feminine touches. Yeah, button ups look super cute with boots, but how awesome would it be with something super girly, like a maxi skirt? Totally unexpected but still comfy enough to wear to lunch with the girls. I would wear major jewelry for fun but you could totally ditch the jewels and wear this to something super casual. It's a great way to get more mileage out of one super simple piece of clothing.

A Good Pair of Flats



I use flats to help tone down outfits that might be otherwise too va-va-voomy for regular use. It's like you can always get two outfits out of the same skirt: wear it with heels for superlong legs and to impress your hubby or tone it down with flats and you can wear it to a PTA meeting -- not that I have ever been to one. I wore this to something pretty casual, so out came the flats. Seriously, they are like no-fail footwear and you should absolutely fine a pair that you love. When it doubt, bring 'em out because they're more formal than sneakers but more casual than heels. Win-win, right?

A Pair of Straight-Legged Jeans

Old Navy fair isle cardigan, $30
Old Navy graphic tee, $17
H m blazer, £25
Quiksilver straight leg jeans, $42
High heels, $50
Toms shoes, $48
Fergalicious black flat boots, $40
Crystal earrings, $30

Miss Selfridge circle earrings, £8.50
TopShop white shawl, £22
Dorothy Perkins tan belt, $9

If you only had the budget to buy one pair of jeans, I would definitely recommend a dark wash straight-legged pair. If you already have some in your closet, you need to know how super versatile they are. I'm wearing mine today! Check out the outfits above. They all have the same jeans. But since the leg is straight, you can cuff it over heels, tuck it into boots or even wear them with your super casual outfits (So I love TOMS, shut up.) Most other jeans need a specific type of shoe to look good, but you can get away with all of them if you have a good straight legged pair. Seriously, try and see how many outfits you can put together with them and you might not need to do a lot of shopping.

A Skinny Belt



I make no apologies for this: I love my Walmart belt. It was super cheap and it's reversible between cream and white. All I have to do is click the belt buckle around. I wear it SO MUCH. Obviously. If you have a skinny belt on hand, you can update a ton of outfits by just slapping a belt around them. I love the cardigan in this picture, but on its own it can look really conservative and that's just not me. I'll seriously belt anything... cardigans, jackets, pencil skirts, you name it. It's an awesome way to define your waist and look like you know what you're doing in one fell swoop. Just don't wear it to Thanksgiving dinner or you'll feel like it's going to pop open and hit someone in the eye.... not that I know that from personal experience or anything.


So, I challenge you to take a look at your closet and identify it's good bones. You'll probably find that instead of having nothing to wear and being sick of anything, there's a few pieces that can be reworked and worn in different ways to make them look more flattering and current. And since that saves you money, you can send the rest of it to me! YAY!

PS: What is your favorite closet staple? I would definitely say my straight-legged jeans and my beloved boots, but I'll take suggestions!

What I Wore: When I Felt Fat

I hate missing a Freaky Friday post but Friday went completely out of control and I ended up with this instead.

I won't go into the nitty gritty details because after the whole pneumonia post you're probably like "OMG Jae shutup with the health stuff." Let's just say my Friday started off with a trip to the emergency room, a bag of fluid and five doses of morphine being pumped into me via IV and a weekend on straight narcotics. Is that enough information? I'm fine now, just a little dizzy and WAY behind on deadlines, but it'll be OK. Also... my house is a mess. My husband thinks that I'm the catalyst to a messy house, but look what happens after a weekend where I spent all my time in bed drooling on my pillow. YEAH THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

Anyway, I dragged myself out of bed on Sunday morning because I can't stand to be sick for long periods of time. Remember that time I spent a month and a half in the hospital? (Seriously, only click that link if you have 7 hours to read through those posts. I'm warning you now) Yeah, that'll cure you pretty fast from ever wanting to stay in bed, which usually means I push it when I'm still sick and end up sicker. Anyway, thanks to the fluid I had on Friday, I was pretty darn puffy. I probably would have gotten over it except my five year old told me I looked pregnant while I was getting dressed. Um, thanks. So I initiated my patented formula for fat day fashion -- a loose top and a cute blazer.


Cami: American Eagle
Blazer (Is it weird that I'm digging shoulder pads?): F21
Skirt: I can't remember! Somewhere in Canada when I went to visit my BFF.
Shoes: Windsor (Yes, THESE are the ones from my blog that my hubby bought for Christmas. WIN)
Pearls: Nordstrom
Locket: Vintage ca. 1945 (more about that later)
Bracelets: Charlotte Russe
Ring: F21
Pin: Local

So yeah, this is me puffy and on fluids. I am obsessed with this floaty cami because it hides everything. I wore it to Christmas dinner to hide the turkey baby I was carrying around afterward. Add a structured blazer or cami and it looks put together even though I was clearly on Percocet. GO ME.

After taking these pictures I had a four hour nap. Seriously, I don't even remember taking these.



When I wear a really subdued color palette, like cream on black, it means I wear more accessories. Here's a good closeup of everything together. Interesting without being too much.


How pretty is the bottom of this cami? Answer: very pretty. Pleats and ruffles and chiffon - I want it all. Also, check out this locket. It was a gift from my parents for Christmas -- a 1940s era Royal Canadian Air Force locket from WWII. They were called "Sweethearts lockets" because the men would send them home to their girlfriends and wives while in service. Pretty amazing, right? I've resolved to wear it as much as possible.

Anyway, I think I'm on the mend now, but don't be surprised if my next post is "How to Style Your Hospital Gown: 6 Ways to Glam Up the Green!"

Christmas Dish and New Year's Resolutions: 2012

(My house after the festivities. It's clean now and Christmas has been boxed up and thrown in the basement. It feels goooood. I actually missed seeing my floor.)

Now that everything is back to normal, did everyone have a good holiday? Mine was pretty good so I thought I'd better dish on what the hubs pulled out of his hat this year. First off, we decided to scale back this year because we traditionally get a little out of control, especially when it comes to buying for the kids. We set a limit on the number of presents for them and ourselves, which was a first. But we still did pretty well!

For one, my husband bought those lace heels in my Glammy Gifts post. YES! The Windsor ones that sold out right after that! He snagged a pair and I can't wait to show you them with an outfit. I'm not gonna lie, I wore them on Christmas I was so excited. He also got me a new handbag, which I needed desperately. You guys, I was still carrying a white cross-body bag after Labor Day THE HORROR. Now I have a super awesome black slouchy satchel with fringe detail and I'm in love. Also, it has leopard print on the inside. Score! But the most romantic he got me BY FAR was...

...wait for it....

A new desk chair! I know it sounds weird, but as a freelance writer I spend about 20 hours a week parked at my desk. My old chair was falling apart and had no padding left on the bottom and liked to fling me backwards at surprising times. My new one has awesome features like LUMBAR SUPPORT. That makes me feel old, but I actually cared about it. I am a big fan.

Anyway, enough about Christmas, it's time to talk New Year's resolutions. Last year I set out to work on being a better "me" and I think I succeeded. I wasn't as hard on myself as I usually was and I took some deep breaths to get through some stressful times in 2011.

Along with the usual eat better, exercise, read more and grow my nails resolutions that I usually set, I decided on another new one.

The other day I was in the shower, where I do my best thinking. I was thinking about how the words "mother" and "martyr" are so similar. I think a lot of mothers become martyrs without even thinking about it. Once you have a child, all of a sudden the old you dies a little death and you're suddenly someone's mom. The result is that you put someone else before you at all times.

Don't get me wrong. I love my kidlets and would do anything for them, but I had a little identity crisis after having my second. My daughter had a friend playing at our house and she kept saying "Addison's mom?" and I was like hold up, wait! I'm someone's mom? I mean, I had been for several years at that point but I'd never thought much about it.

As moms, there's something we all learn about too well from the start: sacrifice. We sacrifice sleep for a fed, diapered baby. We sacrifice careers to stay at home or sacrifice time with kids to work. We sacrifice a nap for a clean house and a clothing budget to keep our kids dressed. We sacrifice the dinner we want for chicken nuggets and macaroni and then sacrifice The Bachelor for another Netflixed episode of Go Diego Go. We essentially become martyrs the moment we become mothers because that's what you do when you have small humans that depend on you for everything.

But there are some things that I don't think are worth sacrificing. I think it's my opportunity and my responsibility to teach my children how to prioritize. Essentially, the things that they see me stressing over and putting first are those values that they'll come to prioritize themselves one day.

So I won't be the mom who brings the creative and healthy snack to kindergarten. But I still make time to go and help out a couple times a month.

I can't be the kind of mom who does a daily craft with her kids. But I will drag out their bikes so they can play outside.

I won't ever be the mom who carpools, brings her kids to piano, dance and flute lessons, but I can let me kids try new things.

I totally suck at baking from scratch, but I'll make sure my kids can help me pour the premade mix into the bowl.

I'm not the mom who plans daily learning opportunities for her kids, so how about a trip to the dinosaur museum and some frozen yogurt?

I've learned that while I might not be the most maternal person in the world, I can raise my kids on my own terms without being a complete martyr to who I really am as a person. I want to raise a daughter who is independent and plays by her own rules and a son who is curious and funny. I don't want them to think that being the best matters as much as doing your best matters. I can't do that if they see me as a complete slave to stuff that doesn't count.

So, my new year's resolution this year is to prioritize. Not only to show my kids what's really important, but to be a better mom because I'm me, not because I've killed off the old Jae to make room for someone who fakes it. I'll sacrifice my time, my energy and my terrible reality shows for my kids, but I won't sacrifice myself.

I know that my children are mine for a reason. No other mom will do as good of a job with them as I can, even a mom who bakes from scratch and does flash cards from birth. So I accept that challenge and will do the best with the tools and talents I have, even if that means the occasional meal from a box in exchange for pillow fights and making a fort with blankets instead. Because that's the kind of mom I am.



Thanks for another great year on HNTDLAM.

Kisses,

Jae


PS: So, now that I've revealed my resolution, what's yours?

PPS: For a great talk on choosing sacrifices and other resolution ideas, check this out.

What I Wore: Laundry Day

YAY! I'm finally better. Those antibiotics kicked pneumonia's butt and that means no old-timey sickness for me. Seriously, I guess once you've had it, you're super prone to getting it again, so two points for me.

Now that I'm back to posting, how was everyone's Christmases? I'll dish a little more about mine and reveal my new year's resolutions on Wednesday, but in general -- minus the Black Plague -- it was awesome. I wore this outfit the week before Christmas but never had a chance to post it, so it must have its time to shine.

That being said, I think when magazines run stories on "shopping your closet" and being a "recessionista" are SO. OBNOXIOUS. Nothing like being told by some New York City writer that you can "totally repurpose that fur stole you've had in the back of your closet by wearing it with your new $995 Jimmy Choo pumps!" Please, could you be any more out of touch? First of all, most moms don't have the money for that kind of stuff and if they did, it would be ruined by children in like three seconds. I have one pair of designer heels and my daughter wears them more than I do, k cupcake? So when someone tells me to get through the recession by "shopping my closet" I get a major case of the stabbies.

BUT! When I had to go to a casual party and my usual standby (my black blazer) was in the laundry pile, I had to "shop my closet" to find something that was a little bit structured that I could wear with my awesome party heels. I also needed some room because I'd be eating. A lot. A trend I've continued all through the holidays and am now paying for today.

All I could find that was clean was my drapey cardigan. You know the one. We all have them. Those sloppy, open-front cardis that were really big last year and are worn by Paula Deen? Yeah. Usually I wear mine when it's cold and I feel fat, but I needed to repurpose it for something more fun. So I went to work with my skinnies, a belt and a pop of color and faked like my sloppy cardigan was a structured blazer.

DIRTY LAUNDRY WIN.


Teal tunic: Charlotte Russe
Cardigan: Devoted
Belt: My beloved reversible Walmart lovely!
Skinnies: F21
Heels: Charlotte Russe
Earrings: Ardene (Canada)

I really, really wanted to wear my new shoes, which I bought for a steal (seriously, they were $17 on the Saturday after Black Friday) so I just went with the whole blue thing. It's hard to tell in the pics, but they are navy. What's that? You'd like to see them? OK.


Oh so pretty!

While my daughter was taking pictures, my son wanted to get in on the action. He's two. When I handed him the camera, he started directing me. He was like "Move there... hand on head... say CHEESE!" This is what he got:



Yup, I'd say he has a bright future.

But seriously, how awesome are these earrings? They're silver with white feathers. You know I love the drama.


Add those to a super simple black mani and I was ready to stuff my face with food, even without my trusty black blazer. Take that, housework. I knew there was a reason I shop so much.

Now things are getting back to normal, even though my daughter doesn't get back to school til Wednesday. I'm so holidayed out that I'm craving my old schedule again. I'm super excited to dish on what the hubs got me for Christmas on Wednesday! Hint: He's been reading my blog.

Merry Christmas, from the Kardashians

Instead of an outfit, I had to post this instead.

I know you've all been waiting for it...

The Kardashian's Christmas card



This is *almost* as good as when Barbara Walters told the Kardashians they didn't have any talents on her special last week.

Except, if getting your picture taken for nothing and wearing androgynous tuxedos is a talent.... the K's totally win, hands down.

Also... is it me or does Kim look *really* lonely up there?

K, what do you guys think of the pic? 10 points and total street cred for the funniest comment!

Freaky Friday: Top 12 Worst Christmas Gifts of All Time

So we covered awesome Christmas gifts that anyone (read: me) would be more than overjoyed to receive, but what about the craptastic gifts you get? I should note that birthdays and Christmas make me want to die most of the time because of all the people watching your reaction to gifts. I am not a good actor. Like, at all. Now I've learned to tell everyone to get me gift cards and it's much better, but I still get sweaty and nervous around present time.

So this year, I'm going to set my sights low with these awful gift ideas. That way, I'll be pleasantly surprised when I receive cat figurines and whatnot.

This is gonna be a good one!



The Golf Urinator. Besides the fact that your husband is a GROWN MAN AND CAN PEE IN THE POTTY, this looks like he's doing something really suspicious under that privacy towel. No one wants to golf with the guy who carries a "privacy towel," regardless of what it's for.


Ever wonder how much you weigh when compared to a rhinoceros?

Yeah, me neither. Like, ever.

Like, I would punch in the face the person who gave this to me.


My mom gives me a shoe-a-day calendar every year that I LOVE. But a garden variety, 12 month landscape calendar? I get like, 20 from my dentist so I'm good thanks.


Self help books. Especially ones that you would never have cause to use. I usually avoid huge ships by walking on sidewalks instead of water.


Gifts that say "I think you're a lazy creepy cat lady." Even if you know a lazy creepy cat lady, she doesn't need to be reminded. As she eats her TV dinner for one, she instinctively knows.



Gift baskets. Because there's like, one thing in there you actually like and the rest is jam and mustard that congeals in the back of your fridge until July.


This is exactly what it looks like. For best results, buy these for your mother-in-law and wink suggestively.


Flasks! No one wants a flask for Christmas, despite their appearance on every "What to Buy for Men" list EVER. Even if it has cool cowboys on it, you do not need to carry alcohol in your pocket.


Or in your bra. Besides the fact that you're drinking alcohol from a tube between your boobs, I feel like this is pretty much one stop from both alcoholism and sexual harassment.


Onion goggles for the person who doesn't have friends, yet loves a good oniony omelet.


I know what you're wondering: what does the mysterious Paris Hilton smell like?

Chlamydia. The answer is chlamydia.


Not only a tacky non-ironic Christmas sweater, but a tacky non-ironic Christmas sweater that lights up with LED lights. Because when you're a loser, you're also a loser in the dark.

Did I forget anything? As long as you avoid these, you're golden for Christmas shopping this weekend. Happy Friday!