Freaky Friday: Why I Hate Other Parents

My aunt in Canada sent me a link to weird baby products and I laughed SO HARD. And while some of them can't actually be considered fashion, it's my blog and I can do what I want. Plus, some of them have to do with baby fashion which I take very seriously. For instance, it bugs me when babies legs aren't covered. I know that is neurotic.

Anyway, I always say that I hate most parents. That doesn't mean ALL parents, just the stupid-baby-naming, overbearing, spend-too-much-on-dumb-products, look-at-my-child-shes-gifted variety. I like the way I was raised: my parents just turned us loose in the backyard and told us to come in when it was dark. We certainly didn't have any of this stuff:


Baby contrast top, to aid in eye development. You know what else aids in your child's development? Going outside. That way you get fresh air and you don't look like the frumpiest mom at NASCAR.


Ooh, the wrist handkerchief. Otherwise known as MY SLEEVE.



Anybody want some sperm earrings? Anyone?

Crickets.

I like the stylish ones.


I actually think this is the most brilliant idea of all time and must buy one immediately. It's a ride-on vacuum cleaner. Hooray for child labor!!

Story time! So, during my second pregnancy I had to have three ultrasounds per week from 24 weeks until 34 weeks, when I delivered. Do you have any idea how proficient I became at reading ultrasounds? Like, the tech would start doing measurements and I would be like yes, yes that's the profile and there's the largest fluid pockets and get on with it I have a busy schedule of watching The View in my hospital room. Moral of the story? I never want to see another ultrasound EVER AGAIN. Much less on cufflinks. Like... your baby looks like a sea monkey on the screen. Here! Let's make it a tiny sea money and show everyone obnoxiously!


The breastfeeding simulator. The only thing more awkward to me than nursing in public would be PRETENDING to nurse in public.

(I said FOR ME. I don't care if anyone else nurses in public. Free show!)


This seems safe.


These are called the Morning Chicness bags. Barf in style. I think I just came up with their new slogan!


Here Billy, hold still while the cat vomits on your toothbrush.

Also, I would like to know if the cat heaves and hacks for like 3 hours before spitting out onto the toothbrush. Because that would be very realistic.


The placenta brooch, from none other than ETSY! You keep it in your freezer, blend it into a smoothie and bury it in your backyard for the neighborhood dogs to find.... why not wear it on your shirt, too?


The scent of squishy, salty dough gets me in the mood.


Hey, I'm no potty training expert. But I feel, in general, that if your child is old enough to fetch supplies and climb surprisingly steep stairs to get to the changing table, he may be ready to not poop in his pants anymore.


Look. I travel with my kids all the time. I know how awkward it can be. But taking 10 minutes to wrestle your baby into a harness so you can HANG HER ON A PUBLIC BATHROOM WALL is not the answer. Someone WILL call Child Protective Services.


Note that these are not the helmets made for cranial adjustment. These are simply for overprotective parents. Please, my son fell on his head like 90 times a day when he started walking. He seems fine now. Ish.

But seriously. Way to put your child on the fast track to being the "special" kid on the playground.


Likewise to the kneepads. Your baby is not a carpet layer.


Ugh, don't you hate when your kid has to pee in the car? Just pass back this glorified water bottle (don't get it mixed up with your actual water bottle!) and then drive around town with urine sloshing around in a cup. Yum!


This is the most disturbing thing I have ever seen.

On the bright side, hey! Matching kneepads!

K, so both of my kids were born with Fraggle-like hair, so I don't understand. Moms of bald babies, is it really that shameful? Is it really better to give your child a weave? Homegirl looks like she's spend one too many afternoons in the beauty shop with Shaniqua and the gang.


And that concludes why I hate other parents. Because there is even a market for ANY of these products.

Excuse me, I'm going to fake breastfeed my five year old now.

Splurge or Steal: Makeup

Cosmetics are a multi BILLION dollar industry. You know why? Because it SO HARD to walk into a Sephora without dropping $100. Their dang salespeople are so convincing and like "Hey girlfriend lets hook you up!" And I am lulled into a trance wherein I purchase things I don't need like hydrating gel. I KNOW.

There's always going to be a battle between pricey makeup and drugstore brands. Which is best? Do you get what you paid for? Are you crazy for spending $30 on mascara?

The answer is: it depends. Makeup can make you feel AMAZING, so when you spend coin on facepaint, make sure you're spending it on stuff that will really make a difference. Note that this is different for everyone. I'll tell you what I spend money on when makeup shopping, and which stuff I slum.

Foundation - Spend. Foundation is a big deal to me. It all started when I was 17 years old and realized my pores were literally the size of dinner plates. Seriously. Put a chicken dinner in those things. I like the foundation gives me a smooth surface to work with while helping the rest of my makeup to stick. My problem? I have freakish coloring. Normal makeup makes me look like a Simpson. Since I have dark hair, makeup counter girls expect me to have golden skin. NO NO NO. I have pink skin. When I finally found a good match, I was hooked for life. So it's no biggie for me to use Bare Minerals -- $25 every three months or so is worth it to me not to look like I have jaundice.

2) Lipstick and gloss -- Mostly steal. Why? Because I am FICKLE. I buy lipsticks all the time that are soon left at the bottom of my dusty makeup bag. In general I prefer bright pinks, but I like red too. Gloss is basically the same no matter where you buy it, so I don't care if I buy a $1 or a $25 brand. It'll look the same. When it comes to lipstick though, you're going for WAY more pigments. The only time I say splurge is by going into a makeup counter and trying on various colors BEFORE you buy. Purchasing a $20 tube this way will save you money over buying 9 $5 tubes that you never use at the drugstore.

3) Eyeliner - STEAL STEAL STEAL! It's no secret that I love E.L.F.'s liquid eyeliner pens. Seriously, I have them in almost color. And they are $1. I love a cat eye, and I've been using liquid liner for years. It's by far the best I've ever tried, even when compared with pricier brands. It's just super foolproof to apply, which is a must because liquid liner can get messy.




Mascara - Spend. Now, this is MY personal preference. But I think mascara makes a ha-yuge difference in my appearance and I often wear only mascara, so it's important to me that I get the most bang for my buck. A couple weeks ago I splurged for Dior Blackout. I usually wear DiorShow but I thought what the heck? The stuff goes on like liquid vinyl and makes me look like I'm wearing false eyelashes all the time. Seriously, as long as a mascara gives me Minnie Mouse lashes, I'll pay anything.



Eyeshadow - Both. When it comes to eyeshadow I only splurge on colors I wear on a daily basis. My top three colors are reddish brown, plum and gray, so I tend to buy those in singular mineral pots. Anything else? Steal for sure. When am I really going to wear green eyeshadow? Like... never. So I buy it in a huge palette to get the most for my money for colors that I wear once in a blue moon.



Blush and Bronzer: I wear bronzer on an almost-daily basis. So you'd think that I would spend a ton of money on it. Honestly? I used Bare Minerals for a while and ran out, so I switched to something I got from the drugstore and really couldn't tell the difference for the money. So I'm a cheapie bronzer girl now. As for blush, I prefer cream over powder, which can be harder to find. My favorite is Victoria's Secret of all brands, because it comes it superbright colors and in a stick, which is like 500 times less messy than a pot.

Now, before you decide what you're going to spend and save on when it comes to makeup, think about your best features. You'll notice that I spend the most money on my eyes. That's because I enjoy them and want them to stand out. If you have really pretty lips, splurge on lip products. Super awesome cheekbones? Blow it on blush. Only spend money where you need to and the rest won't have to be a million dollar makeup job. Also, don't be afraid to invest in products and colors that you use on a daily basis. Often they last longer on the skin and they become staples in your makeup bag. Crazy colors and things you just want to "try?" Go cheap first... if you really end up loving it you can purchase a pricier version next time. If you realize you look crazy, it can then go guilt-free to the place where all scary cosmetics go:

My vanity drawer.

Before and After

I don't know if all of you realize, but Kelly, who does our Monday fitness posts, is actually my cousin. Both of us grew up without sister (she has one brother, I have four) so she's the closest thing I have to a sister. Despite our 10 year age difference, we're super close. She lives outside of Toronto, so I see her every few months, whenever I can fly up there. Anyway, our favorite thing to do when I'm at home is to go shopping. You see, Kelly is a personal trainer and she absolutely LIVES in workout clothes. I'm forever pestering her to wear other clothes and generally making fun of her. We make fun of each other a lot in my family. Her poor husband has to take a deep breath whenver I'm around because it means Kelly is going to be spending a lot of money. Before she went on a trip to Europe I took her out and could have fed a small third world country. Sorry Tom. Last time I was home, she had a party to go to and enlisted my help to get her a new pair of jeans that actually FIT her ridiculously tiny body and didn't, IN ANY WAY, look like yoga pants.

Observe:


This is Kelly's before picture. Yes, we were creepy and took pictures in the fitting room. DEAL. This is how Kelly is dressed for work and usually when we hang out UNLESS it's a party or something. Granted, she totally needs to live in workout clothes because that's her job. I don't begrudge her. I do make fun of her, but I don't begrudge her. (Kelly, I can hear you cackling from here.)

Now, the thing about Kelly is she has a bangin' trainer's body but is always covered up in sweats. Her request was for a pair of jeans that actually fit. We tried a few stores and I convinced her that it was time to cough up some coin for a really good, staple pair.

We were looking for a few things: dark wash, misses sizing (this is not the time to squeeze into juniors jeans) and very little spandex in the denim. We found her a pair that she loved and was willing to spend the money on:


(Jeans and top, GAP. Cardigan, shoes and necklace, Costa Blanca)

After! Super cute, right? When I was dressing her, I wanted to keep some of her sportiness, which is why I kept her top basic but added a sequin cardigan. You never want to feel overdressed in your own clothes. Then we added a pair of heels and she was ready for her husband's work party (he's a firefighter.) We also tried the outfit with flats too, so we could make sure she could wear it on a daily basis as well.

When I was snapping pictures, I went back through to have Kelly look at the before and after side by side and she was like OH MY GOSH. Having a good pair of go-to jeans makes you look slimmer and more importantly, feel better. She still lives in yoga pants and Lululemon for work, but now she knows how easy it is to throw together a quick outfit for parties, hanging out with friends and going shopping with me. (Yes, that is a hint that you should wear your jeans when we hang out in a week... just saying.)

Anyway, Kelly works hard posting her fitness tips each Monday and I wanted to give her a day off while spotlighting easy changes that you can make to your daily wardrobe.
1) A good pair of jeans that FIT WELL.
2) Basic but well-cut tops that have interest. Hubby's tees need not apply.
3) A bit of jewelry.
4) An open mind. Kelly never balks at anything I put her on. She is one of my favorite people to dress because I've never heard her say "I can't pull that off" or "I don't know if I can." She just loads up the clothes and tries them on and looks pretty. YAY KELLY.

Then I get a Cinnabon and eat it while she nibbles the edges = why I'm not a personal trainer.

Anyone else want a makeover?

Freaky Friday: Handbags

Since we covered a little bit on purses this week, I thought it would be super fun to cover handbags for Freaky Friday. Honestly, I was not expecting to find that much. Handbags are usually pretty respectable right? Super wrong actually. There was a wealth of ugliness to be shared. Aren't you lucky? The best part about these bags is that they were all wildly expensive. Happy Birthday, hope you like crap!


Wait..... you're telling me this bag is MADE OUT OF A SOCCER BALL? You are joking.

Also, I'd like to point out that I found this one a site called "Stuff Lesbians Like" (There's one for the search terms!) Stereotypical much?


My best friend used to have this habit of turning touching moments sour by making it sound like she appreciated it by saying "Awww." Then she would turn it into a pretend vomit. Like "Hey, you look nice today." "AwwwwwwwwwwUGHHHH (finger stuck down throat).

I didn't even remember that she did this until I saw this Snoopy diaper bag. SERIOUSLY? Snoopy?



Story time! So my dad is the quietest, humblest, most well-behaved person that you'd ever meet. He worked for 30 years for GM and we never heard a peep about it. Just day in, day out he'd do what he had to do. You wouldn't even know he ever needed a break except when you'd hear him in our garage, working on his motorcycle and listening to an ancient "Magic Carpet Ride" cassette tape. I don't know why... but this purse reminds me of Steppenwolf. And my dad. I highly doubt that's why the designer was going for.

STEP AWAY FROM THE BEDAZZLER!!!!


Uhmm... this purse has a shoe. Or this shoe has a purse? Deep.



Just in case you ever wanted to know how it would look to have a jellyfish dangling from your arm.


A bag that says "I'm not a woman.... I'm a mom."



What hurts me the most is that diaper bags are SUCH big money. Like you NEED a big, fugly bag to stash your diapers in. Embroidered with another baby? So obnoxious.


Ooh, it's an EDGY diaper bag. I'm not like other moms, I'm a COOL mom.

Have you ever heard that a pig in a tuxedo is still a pig? Just sayin'.


Just so you know... this purse is $52,000. I'm assuming because it has like, 10 designer bags sewn together like Frankenstein. What a lazy designer MARC JACOBS. "Hey Marc... we need you to design our flagship bag this year."
"Aw crap... can't we just use last year's bag? Wait a minute...."


WHY DOES THIS HAUNT MY DREAMS!?

Also... if you step on its toes... do you have to say "sorry?"

Ugh... now my mind is spinning with ugly bags. I think I'm going to go downstairs and talk to my handbag cupboard for a while. They will console me with leather and hardware and promises of shopping.

From My Closet: It's in the Bag

I have a sick, sick obsession with handbags. I mean, it's not as bad as my sick, sick obsession with shoes, but it's up there. I have an entire set of cabinets in my laundry dedicated to my bags, which I dutifully hide from my husband. Because if and when he ever goes to that cabinet, I'm definitely going to be forced into a trip to Goodwill. I don't like that. I mean, I like charity... but I don't like parting with my stuff.

The funny thing is that I'm not one to switch bags according to outfits. I usually search out one bag per season and that's it. I will carry a clutch for events and I have a fancy schmancy designer bag that I'll take on the occassional date, but otherwise my bags are poor workhorses. I thought I'd show you my current bag and what I schlep around on a daily basis. Uncut and uncensored. OK FINE I took out the old receipts that have a tendency to collect in the bottom of my bag. But only because I don't want you to know how often I shop.



Alright, here's the dirty mess of my bag right now. Here's a rundown on what I carry and must have with me at all times or I develop tics.

The bag: Right now I'm carrying a dark blue Roxy bag. I initially bought it because it had only one strap and I hate double strap bags because one is always falling off your shoulder. I also loved the hardware. Now I'm kind of getting sick of the large black hole-ness of it. I'm in the market for a white bag. Any suggestions?

My wallet: I got it from PacSun I THINK. I went through a zipper phase last year and I loved it. Inside you'll find very little money, my green card (do you know that immigrants must carry their card at all times? I'm so ethnic) pictures of my fam and like a million punch cards for various businesses.

Tissues and wipes: Proof positive that I am a mother. An intolerant mother. There is nothing grosser than a dirty face on a child. I swear, even of a spot of ketchup on my kids' faces gives me the heebie jeebies.

My iPhone: That's the pink striped thingy up here. I had to get the most flamboyantly feminine cover to keep my husband away. I am in love with that stupid little gadget. I used to leave my old phone all over the place. This one is kept firmly at my side at all times. I play Words With Friends with my brother and it's bad.

Lightning McQueen: Yep, I have a son who is a psycho in stores. Lightning gets a good three minutes of quite time.

Sunglasses: I never leave the house without them. The sun is obnoxiously bright here and I love me some aviators. Plus they hide baggy eyes when I don't have time to do makeup. The ones here are Marc Jacobs. I had another pair but my lovely son snapped them in half. He's just an angel, isn't he?

CoverGirl Outlast Lip Stain: Yeah these are like cracksticks. I think they are so cool. They go on like markers and while they don't stay forever, they do give my lips a pinky tone for a long time. The one I have is the darkest red possible. I like it because if I'm not wearing anything else, I can use it and look "done." Ideal for running into stupid ex-boyfriends and not being embarrassed.

Pen and Cheques (YES I SPELL THAT THE CANADIAN WAY): Please note that I never carry my own cheques, only my husband's. From his account. That's how I make guilt-free purchases. I paid for my last haircut that way. Mua ha ha.

Maybelline Pure Makeup: This is my emergency stash. It's a super, super sheer foundation that makes me look awake in a pinch. It's my insurance when I head out of the house makeupless or forget to pack my makeup when going away for the weekend.

Keys: I lose them on an almost daily basis.

I am actually really excited that my kids are getting older and I don't have to carry so much for them anymore. My son is old enough to even forgo the emergency diaper (although I know that's tempting fate.) So I get to carry my bare necessities without being bogged down with like, an extra pair of clothes, diapers, wipes, formula, bottles, the kitchen sink, etc.

Perhaps we do a bad diaper bag Freaky Friday? I like it!

Guest Post!

Hey friends,

Check out my guest post over at What Would Angela Do. It has some tips on what things to look for when dressing for spring. It's totally stuff we've covered here, but there's also INTERVIEW QUESTIONS. Yay I love talking about me!

Happy Monday, folks.

Jae

Walk Your Way to Health

This past week was March break and we were fortunate enough to have a couple days of really great weather. When you get a couple of days of 15 and 16 degrees you can't help but get excited for the warmer weather. Now that spring is here officially it's easy to start thinking I want to get out and enjoy it.

Walking is one of the best forms of exercise there is. It is low impact so anyone can do it, it's easy, fun and can be done anywhere.

Benefits of Walking Just 30 Minutes a Day:

1) Natural Activity. It is a natural activity that we can all do, and with no special exercise equipment there really is no excuse not to do it.

2)It is the least expensive activity. It can be done anywhere, anytime.

3)Do it with a friend and form a lifetime of happy, healthy habits.

4)Strengthens the major muscles including core muscles which are very helpful for getting and maintaining good postural alignment.

5)Increases overall bone density.

6)Reduces the risk for cardiovascular disease, and helps to lower blood pressure.

7) Burns calories which is essential for weight loss and weight management.

8)Reduces stress.

9)Elevates Mood and energy levels.

Schedule your walks. Start with 10 minute walks and work your way up to 30 minutes. Make it a part of your every day routine. You will feel better, look better and be doing something healthy everyday. Even better, get your whole family involved and enjoy good health together:)

Committed to your fitness success,
www.fitmommakeover.net