Freaky Friday

Hey friends! Time to get back to usual Freaky Friday without all of the boob and thigh of last week. I know, I'm sad too.

Fun story of the day! So, when I dressed up in my Halloween costume on Monday, I decided to wear it while trick or treating on Main Street a few towns over. I figured a) no one would know me there and b) it was Halloween and I'm psychotic. Anyway, my GIANT two year old decided that his legs no longer worked after less than half of the event, so I was slogging along with my awesome friend Ashleigh and our collective kiddos when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

"Um, are you from nomoremomjeans.com?"

OMG KILL ME. Literally any time I've met a reader in public I can almost guarantee I'm wearing like, a trucker hat and camo pants, but this time I was dressed in like a complete mental patient.

It turns out it was Janelle, of the sexy house costume! I was so excited to meet her IRL because she actually won the costume and I got to tell her in person. She told me she wasn't sure that was something to be proud of because let's be honest, that costume was filthy. Anyway, she said she was sure it was me because there is no way anyone else would leave the house dressed as the Sun Drop girl. It was awesome.

So hi Janelle! Gift card is on it's way and I promise next time you see me I won't be wearing *that* much Spandex.


Maybe these instead? I feel like if you wore these pants, you'd have to have jazz hands everywhere you went.
"Hey, can I get a cherry Coke with extra ice?" *JAZZ HANDS!*
"Yes, I've noticed that Susie struggles with her reading." *JAZZ HANDS!*
"No, I don't want to try a free sample." *JAZZ HANDS*

Found by Julia on Pinterest, I call this "Ugly Sweater Refashion Fail." While I can certainly appreciate pom poms on any piece of clothing, this still leaves you with two moose on your buttcheeks and I am not OK with that.

This jacket is meant to have a shirttail detail that hangs out at the back. I don't care what anyone says, that extra fabric looks like a diaper. But you can still totally buy it for $10,000. Cloth diapers are much cheaper.

















Alyssa sent me these sequin UGGS that were suggested to her by her account on ShoeDazzle.com. She also noted that the stylist tip said to wear them with a sequined beret for "the right amount of sparkle."
Dear ShoeDazzle.com Stylist:
I don't care what anyone says. These are robot boots. I've never seen a robot wear a beret, much less a sequined one. French robot? Now I'm confused.
Love, Jae

Yes, you are seeing the world's longest torso. I'm pretty sure this woman doesn't even have a pelvis. It goes straight from abs to kneecaps.





















This basically looks like you skinned a unicorn. Not a sexy unicorn, just a garden variety-type.




YAY! Finally something to wear to Dracula's pool party. I can breathe. (Thanks Michelle!)


Sheriece sent these over. I was totally on board until I saw CAT FACE in the product title. Like, I mourn the loss of these shoes. A velvet red wedge with ankle strap? I die. Cat face on the shoes? I kill someone else.


I feel like running a marathon.


Well, I've gotta get my work done. There *might* be a half-yearly sale that I *might* need to check out. I want to try on this dress. I hate the way it's belted in the picture, but I'm thinking it could work with a thick brown belt a bit higher, worn with brown boots for fall. What do you think? Also, I'm looking for jeans and a couple casual dresses and skirts to wear with thick tights for winter. K, I just want an excuse to shop SO SUE ME.

De-scare-ifying Red Lipstick

Hey, I totally know why red lipstick gets a bad rap. It's because when ANYONE thinks about red lips EVER, it's in a Christina Aguilera way.



Sweet mother of mercy, homegirl loves red lipstick like I love an anniversary sale. And is it me, or does she kind of look like Snooki here?

Hey, I love rocking out to "Fighter" in my car as much as the next person, but Christina (because I refuse to call her X-tina) does the red lip wrong time and time again. Baby, fire your stylist ASAP. Christina's red lip is wrong for a myriad of reasons, the most obvious being it's not the right color and she's done it with bighairbiglipsbigeyesandbigboobs which is what makes the red lip veer into trannytown. And trannytown is only fun when you're up late at night and Rock Horror Picture Show is on TV.

So I get that most people have a little trepidation with wearing a red lip. I do. But I think it's a trick that all women should have in their makeup bag, so we're going to take some time to demystify and descarify the red lip.

First, color. The color red you choose is EVERYTHING. Take me, for instance. I am very fair-skinned. Because of this, a true red lip makes me look like all of the vampires in the first Twilight movie. Comically undead. So when I'm choosing a red lipstick, I know it has to have pink undertones for me not to look crazy.

You know those makeup counters you hurry past each time you run through a department store? Stop. Tell the nice makeup lady that you're looking for a red lipstick and she'll be overjoyed to help you find one. I like Sephora and the Christian Dior counters the best. You simply cannot buy something as bold as red lipstick without trying a few first. Here's some guidelines for skin tones that should help you on your quest.

If you have fair skin with pink undertones (like moi): Look for lighter reds with pink or coral undertones. You don't need to get all Aguilera-like.

If you have medium skin with golden undertones: look for truer reds with bluish undertones. They'll make your teeth look whiter and look best with more tanned, golden skin.

If you have dark skin: Look for reds with burgundy and brick-colored undertones because you can pull it off and I'm jealous.

Once you know what type of red looks best on your skin tone, you can narrow down your search to a few different shades so you don't need to try a bajillion shades.

When applying red lips, you need to be careful. If you don't apply it right, the middle part could wear away, leaving your a dark ring around your lips. I'm not a lipliner girl, but if you are, line and then fill your lips completely to give the lipstick something to stick to. I prefer a lip primer, so I slick on some of that, then add my red lip. I then blot and reapply. Finally, I add a little shine with a clear or coral lip gloss on top. The coral helps tone down the red when I want it to look less "TA-DA!"-ish. Yes, that's totally a real phrase.

I prefer a red lip with more toned down clothes and makeup. The lips are enough. Don't go all crazy and do a smoky eye and wear a bustier and no pants like SOME people I know. Seriously, I love a more casual look and light eye with red lips, because they are seriously enough on your own. Pile on the makeup and it'll look like you got into mommy's makeup bag for the first time.

AB
Exhibit A) Too much of a good thing, Queen of the Undead.
Exhibit B) Lovely and natural.

A red lip is a super glam way to change things up, so I seriously think you should give it a try. If you're still unsure, consider heading to the drug store or Wally World and picking up a few super cheap shades from whatever dollar brand makeup line you can find. They won't wear particularly well, but you'll have the chance to test drive the red before you spend a little more coin on a longer-lasting brand.

Can we all make a pact to give it a try? Let's do! Plus, when you have red lips you get to leave all sorts of cute smacky prints all over your husband's face like you're in a Looney Tunes cartoon.



Mwah!

Kisses,
Jae

What I Wore: Happy Halloween! I am so embarrassing.

Ready to see me make a huge fool of myself!?

Happy Halloween my awesome friends!!





If you have no idea what I'm supposed to be, click here to watch what might be the most epic commercial of ALL TIME.

I watched it like five times this morning to make sure I had it right. My two year old walked into the room while it was on and said "Mom! It wooks just wike you!" And then wanted to watch it endlessly, convinced that I was on the computer.

And while the real Sun Drop girl CLEARLY STOLE MY MOVES, I am said to report I'm not actually in the commercial. I LOLed hard when going through these pictures. I am a joke.

See... you don't have to dress like a sexy desk or whatever it is to be super awesome on Halloween. Can't wait to rock this for Trick or Treating... although I might need to keep the commercial loaded on my iPhone at all times in case it's too obscure.

If you're still looking for a costume idea, might I suggest this? Seriously, I bow down.

Alright, fess up. Are you dressing up and what are you going to be?

Jae Tests the Trend: Colored Skinnies

Let me explain my thought process for buying my red skinnies.
1) "I really want some red pants. They are super cool."
2) "Am I too old for this?"
3) "Let me Google some pictures of people wearing red pants. Crap, they're all young celebrities."
4) "I should take a consensus on my Facebook page."
5) "OMG, they are all saying yes... maybe not so ridiculous?"
6) "I should just go look. To the store!"
7) "ZZZZZZZOMG these are amazing how did I ever live without them."

Seriously, these skinnies own my soul. Still, they're red for a reason. It's the closest color to a neutral that I could get. Their shape is perfect and they have an ideal length. If these were seafoam green and flared, I'd look like a psychopath.

Testing this trend made me think about looking trendy and fashionable in general. Probably the thing I hear the most when shopping with friends or recommending clothes to people is "I couldn't pull that off." It's also probably the phrase that annoys me the most. To me, it represents close-mindedness. Because most often, when I hear that phrase, it means you're not even going to try. And not trying is what lands you in yoga pants day after day.

Trends are tricky territory, especially after you've had a couple of kids and you're not ACTUALLY going to be 21 forever. It can be hard to decipher which trends are right for you and which ones should be left to the young, hip and childless set.

Still, there's no reason you shouldn't at least give it a shot. The trick to deciphering trends is to know your tastes and your body shape. I can usually look at a trend in the magazine and know right of the bat if it's something that will flatter me. For instance, trench coats - yes! Capes - no. I need definition around the waist, not at the shoulders.

That being said, there's not a lot in the world of trends that I won't try at least once. Usually it's just a matter of five minutes in a fitting room to decide whether or not a trend is for me. Whether it's peacock feathers, granny boots, dolman sleeves, jeggings or wide leg trousers, they've all had their moments for better or for worse.

I think what you really need to remember is that not everything is going to work on your body. But since you're probably alone in the fitting room, THAT'S OK. You don't have to have the body of a model to try something new. If you hate it, you only need to hand it back to whoever is working the fitting room and leave the store. That's it. No commitment whatsoever. You can handle that, right?

So if you see something in a magazine, on another woman or on a mannequin that you'd love to try, you literally have nothing to lose to give it a shot. If it looks great, hello confidence booster! If not, whatevs... on to the next.

Once you find things that work for your body type and that you love, look for ways to make them more "you." That's the true difference between someone who knows fashion and someone who is just a big fat trend whore. Anyone can buy expensive clothes that are "in," but you don't want to look like you just purchased a mannequin. Instead, find ways to work a new piece into outfits that you typically wear and all of a sudden, you're totally pulling it off. Take my red jeans for example. If I paired them with a graphic tee or something, the look wouldn't be me because that's not how I usually dress. Instead, I reached for a plain tee and my trusty leather jacket, which is practically my signature piece. Now I'm wearing a trend... the trend isn't wearing me.

Now, with that in mind, it doesn't mean you have to give every single trend a shot. I know there are some trends that I know likely won't look great on me and that I never even consider. Not that I can't "pull it off" (whatever the heck that means) I just know they won't be flattering. Like booties, for instance. I prefer a more streamlined look to the leg and I don't like the way they break up the calf. I have never been intrigued by them. But if I see a trend and like the way it looks, why wouldn't I give it a shot?

I just want you to know that perfect body, flawed body, pear-shape, apple-shape, you CAN participate in trends as long as you find ways to make them work for you. That could mean you reach for a graphic scarf instead of a flashy tee or participate in the feather trend by wearing earrings. You can totally embrace more color with a neon belt or printed shoes. Whatever the case, you don't need a complete wardrobe overhaul to look fashionable. Just a couple of key pieces each season and a super open mind.

Or me as a shopping partner. I'm super pushy and kind of mean won't take no for an answer.

What I Wore: Blogliftin' and Lovin'

Fashion blogging is funny because you seriously get to "know" people through their style choices more than you do musing from their lives. I feel like how you dress says a lot about you and that's not just because I'm horribly judgmental. Whether you live in sweatpants or you dress up to play at the park, it tells me tons about you. So when I read fashion blogs I can't help but feel like I know the girls through their outfits. And then I guess who I would be IRL friends with. Lilly over at Lilly's Style? Fo' shizzle we'd be friends and not just because I totally lifted this look from her blog. We have super similar tastes. Check below and on my sidebar for other fashion blogs that I love and that work for different body types... then share the love!


Tank: JCPenney (bows? I die!)
Cardigan: American Eagle
Belt: F21
Skirt: F21
Sparkly flats: I haven't the slightest clue. I bought them because I went shopping one day in uncomfy shoes and my feet were killing me so I bought a new pair and changed into them then and there. Approximately one-third of my shoe collection has been purchased in this manner.

What I loved about this outfit is that it's such a super casual way to wear a body-con skirt on a daily basis. Genius!

(Sometimes I get really sick of taking pictures. Also, how cute is the length on this boyfriend cardigan? Note to self: Buy 10 immediately.


I love piling on bracelets that don't have anything to do with anything and wearing them together. Here I've got bangles from Nordstrom. my beloved Gucci cuff watch, my leather March Jacobs bracelet and a cheapie cuff from Charlotte Russe altogether and I love it. Also, please note that this is the day I had great hair of epic proportions, which I felt deserved photographic evidence. Seriously. Best hair day EVER.

Some other fashion blogs I think you'll love:
Best for plus sizes: Momma Go Round
Best for eclectic style: clothed much
Best for doable mom style: Mod Milk Momma

What are your fave fashion blogs? Seriously, I'd better be on the list.

Freaky Friday: I Heart My Readers

I've been getting everyone's Halloween costume submissions and I AM LOVING THEM. Some have actually left me speechless. I'm going to do the Freaky Friday Halloween Sexy Costume extravaganza next Friday and I'll also reveal my own Halloween costume. I bet you can't guess what it issss!

But besides vulgar Halloween costumes, my readres are also always sending me the best Freaky Friday submissions. I love you guys. It makes my job easier and makes me think that someone is actually reading this drivel. That makes me feel warm inside and it's not just because I have heartburn from eating PopTarts for breakfast.

Let's do it!

Meleah alerted me that they just released the preview of the Versace for H&M collection. Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of really cool places. The stud dress is ah-mazing. But some of them are so Mya Rudaolph-playing-Donaltella-Versace-on-SNL-ish I can't even stand it.

I feel like I shouldn't have to say this, but let's just make a general rule against pink uterus shapes on your abdomen? OK. Because up close this is a pretty albeit super weird beach scene, but far away it's a treasure map.


This dress makes me feel festive in a cat-getting-into-the-tinsel way.

My younger brother also just informed me that one of my parent's cats has a digestive problem and has been barfing everywhere. I was never so glad to live 3,000 miles away.

I have no idea why I just told you that.


YAY! For when you can't decide how you want to look: awkward and crazy... or awkward and crazy!

I went through a brief fixation with fur vests last year. Thank heavens I didn't give in. This looks like a gorilla, Donatella.


Rebecca sent me what might be the world's most inappropriate boots. Inappropriate for what? Life and mankind. And straight people.


She also sent me this PURE awesome. Anyone else have the urge to reach out and pinch this bum?
Yeah, me neither.
Also, I am always lamenting about how the ugliest part on the male body is the upper thigh. I will add that both front and back of the thigh are equally offensive. Especially on this guy.



Lindsay sent me these boots that she noted would be perfect for self defense. Although, if you're wearing these, you probably deserve to be mugged. Also, I'd love to see you try and run.


I got the best email from Jo who is from my hometown far, far away and reads my blog because her daughter used to work with my brother. How awesome is that? It's from Joe Fresh, which I actually like. Unfortunately, this dress looks like that paper that came in rolls in the 90s and to use it you would have to unroll it and flatten it out. What was that stuff even called? My mom used to make bows out of and stick it on wreaths in our house.

Also, is it me or does it look like that dress would make a weird sound when you walked in it?

It was posted on the Toronto Star website with an option to vote for love it loathe it... but I didn't see one for "kill it with fire?"


My Aussie friend Mina sent me these socks. I wondered if you could just wear them with a bra and call it a Halloween costume, but she said she'd rather wear them to the grocery store to see what people did. I think it's problematic that the capes are only on the socks... does that mean only the calves can fly? Awkward.

As always, thanks to my loverly readers who keep me supplied with the web's ugliest clothes. It makes me oh so happy.

So if you were following along on the Facebook page, you'd know that I was considering the purchase of a pair of red skinny jeans and needed the opinions of my trusted fans before I moved forward. I'm happy to say that you approved and I'm needy, so I went and got my pair at Contagious (local girls, seriously, check it out... they have awesome clothes. Where else can I find a pair of red jeans on Main Street, for goodness sakes.) I'm so excited to wear them today. I have a hot date with Footloose and I intend to pay homage to the red cowboy boots with my red jeans.

See? I really couldn't do it without you guys. Mwa! (That was a kiss or the beginning of an evil laugh.... I'll never tell!)

Also, 10 points to whoever can guess what I'm dressing up as for Halloween. If you're one of the three people I've told YOU CAN'T GUESS and I'll cut you off as a friend. Want a hint? It doesn't involve lingerie OR a tail.

Sweater Weather!

After a really weird month where we had summer like temps (I was wakeboarding the first weekend in October) it's finally cooled down here and I'm kind of in love with it. I walked down to a friend's house the other day and she asked if I was freezing because I was still in shorts. Please. My two year old made me carry him the three blocks home UPHILL and I was so hot I briefly considered becoming a nudist.

Of course, with cooler weather comes awesome sweaters and nothing in the world makes me quite so happy. I plan to build up my sweater collection this year, since I tend to stray toward blazers and my sweater collection is woefully underpopulated. So I decided to go online shopping and see what's big this fall for sweaters. Would you like to see what I found? OF COURSE YOU DO!

Stripes:

Hollister Co boyfriend shirt, $50
H M cotton knit sweater, £15
ANM knit sweater, $50
Almost Famous loose shirt, $22
Old Navy knit sweater, $27

Of course stripes and sweaters are pretty much synonymous, but stripes can be scary and tricky to wear. If you're in love with a cute nautical sweater style, remember to choose a pattern in proportion to your size and look for more abstract prints if you have problem areas. For instance, I am loving the more freeform Fair Isle stripes and they'll let you in on the trend AND be super flattering. Also, stripes on different structures. Don't always think that sweaters must be old school. I love a Dolman sleeve or poncho-like construction. Just not an actual poncho. Ew.

Ladylike:

Hollister Co scoop neck top, $50
Striped top
H m cardigan, £15
Hollister Co beach top, $36
Floral Waffle-Knit Cardigan, $13

I just cannot handle the level of cuteness here. Bows? Lace? Swoon! Ladylike details are awesome because the cardigan is kind of conservative as it is. The trick is to add balance. I would love a bow cardigan worn with uberhigh heels or a floral cardi and scuffy boots. The juxtaposition of sweetness and something more rebellious makes my heart warm inside.


Boyfriend:

Hollister Co cotton shirt, $35
Fox hoodie, $32
Soul Cal sweater, £30
Soul Cal ruched top, £20
Cardigan, $25

The boyfriend sweater is supposed to look like you stole a sweater out of your hubby's or boyfriend's closet. I just did a look with one and I'll show you on Monday, but for now you can check these out. Now, just because boyfriend sweaters are in doesn't mean you can just wear a man's sweater. Look for male-inspired details on sweaters cut to fit a woman's body, if you place. Wearing your hubby's Hanes sweatshirt isn't going to fly with me.

Structured:

Old Navy cable knit cardigan, $33
Brown cardigan, £25
Daytrip oversized blazer, $44
Denim jacket, £28

H m blazer, £25

Remember when I told you that I tend to stray toward blazers? Yeah, I love me some structure. It's magical for making your body look super put together. I especially love blazer construction on a sweater. It ALWAYS looks right. Pair any of these with a scarf, skinny jeans and knee-high boots and you're the cutest mom at the PTA Fall Festival, my friend.

Alright, so fess up... which one of these sweaters would you buy if you could? I'm heavily contemplating that Fair Isle loosey goosey shirt. What is it with me and hippy clothes lately?