Freaky Friday

Happy Friday everyone! I have a full day of work and play and a wedding to get to, so let's make fun of some clothes, shall we? It makes me feel better about myself when I haven't gotten dressed yet. I might be wearing pajamas... but at least I'm not wearing this crap!



THIS is why no one dresses femininely or modestly anymore. Because this is what we're left with. A $200 potato sack and a frowny face model.


The other night, my husband and I were folding laundry when he came across a pair of kids overalls. He looked at them for a minute before asking if they were our son's or our daughter's. (Despite being three years apart, they're roughly the same size.) I stared him down before I reminded him that I would never put our children in overalls. Ever. I still don't know where they came from. But we don't do overalls in our family because they always end up looking like your butt needed a snack.

You have to take a stand for something.


Pants... that have pleats...that look like acid wash... that have a droopy crotch....that look like sweatpants. Worn with cute wedges. STOP TOYING WITH MY EMOTIONS!



Is it me or do these pants make this poor model look like she has a 36-inch crotch? I feel like crotch lengthening is NEVER in.


Let's clear this up: Maxi skirts = adorable and cute. Oddly cut Little House on the Prairie skirts = weird and unflattering.



Unfortunately, this spandex.... thing is on backorder for two weeks. 1) Sorry to get your hopes up. 2) Looks like you won't be the only person dressed like a demented Yankee Doodle at the family reunion. Sadface.


I love this. It's like a chic Peter Pan. Wait a minute... I don't love this at all!


Reader Megan sent me a website that had TOO MANY gems. Like these pants, which make you look mysteriously naked.


...or this swimsuit, which makes you look mysteriously lonely.

Also... kitty jowls near your hips is never a good idea. I don't care how much you love cats.

Alright, I'm off and running for the day. I'm excited for my Monday outfit post because it's the debut of my sweet blue shoes. Remember when I said I bought them because I needed blue shoes? When I went to put them in my closet I realized I absolutely had a pair of blue shoes all along. Some would say that means it's probably time to pare down my shoe closet. You know what I would say to that?

Leave now. Never come back. Kthanks.

What I Wore: Cowgirl Up!

I was running late the other day and OF COURSE the batteries in my camera were dead and OF COURSE my husband was late getting home from work, so these outfit pictures were taken by my five year old... with my iPhone. Quality. Always quality.

Anyway, when I bought these cowboy boots in the summer of 09, I was involved in a deep and abiding love affair that lasted until Christmas, when I got my fave Fryes. I don;t think I wore my cowboys for an entire year after that. Slowly they're making their way back into my normal rotation. I do love them with skinny jeans because they're the perfect height and super comfortable. Seriously. They are so comfortable. I think everyone should have a fun pair of boots. It's my dream to go hang out in an old timey honky tonk one of these days. Even though I grew up in the city, I love me some boot stompin'!

That's what happens when you live in a cornfield, people.


Top: I haven't got the slightest clue. It's one of those pieces I've had for years and years and years yet I don't ever remember buying it. Ever.
Knit vest: Urban Trend
Jeans: Abercrombie and Fitch
Boots: Soda
Earrings: Local boutique
Ring: F21



I believe I featured this ring on the site a few times before I finally went and just bought it. I love its awesome gaudiness and the blue is the perfect pop for literally any other color. The earrings I picked up at a crafty-type boutique. Love supporting the fashion little guy!

So I think my kindergartner did OK with the pictures. I promise the real camera is back for next week's post. I already took the shots of my blue shoes that I wore yesterday. They were epic.

Freaky Friday: Teen Choice Awards!

Don't you just love crap like the Teen Choice Awards? It's when I get to sit back and thank my lucky stars that I'm not an awkward teenager and only have Kardashians and Rebecca Black to look up to. It's awesome. I also believe that Teen Choice Awards is awkward because people never know what to wear. Like, it's not the Oscars, but it's definitely not the bar and for heaven's sakes KIDS are watching. Yet stars continue to disappoint by dressing in the most inaccessible ways possible. What teen has Brian Atwood heels. TELL ME!!




Kat Graham from the "Vampire Diaries" apparently forgot her show and came as a mummy. Are there mummies that show? I try my best to never watch the CW.


Hey, lady from the 36th revival of Nikita... sandwiches are delicious. You should eat one. Let's eat together. And paint each other's nails and tell each other secrets.


Weird pantaloon business suits: That's just SO Raven.

Also... is she wearing tights? Because I'm concerned.


I wish you could have heard the ungodly noise that came out of my mouth when I saw this. Oh Tyra, it's a sad day when I don't notice your "smize" because I'm too busy averting my eyes from you scary pleather crotch.

Just....no.


WHY!? Why do almost 40 years olds like Cameron Diaz pile on makeup, wear short skirts and go to events for 16 year olds? I'm sure she's lovely in person but when she does this she looks like the old lady from Titanic in comparison. An important lesson for moms and adult women everywhere: stop competing with teens. You'll lose every time.



Oh hey, one of the 90 Kardashians in attendance for reasons I don't understand. Thanks for not trying too hard. Wait, did I say "too hard?" I meant "at all."


OMG, I totally had this dress. I was 10. And it was in the form of pajamas. Aaaand they glowed in the dark. But, um, it's really nice on you too Fergie Ferg.


I'm sure this is just the camera angle or something, but short girls, LISTEN! Long shirt plus awkwardly long skirt will not make you long. It will just make you look freakishly short and uncomfortable. I think she has roughly three inches of leg.



Wait! STOP THE PRESSES! Are you telling me Kim Kardashian came to an event wearing something short and tight? I don't know if I can handle the sheer unexpectedness. Though, on the bright side, I can't see her boobs, which is more than I can say for all the K's in attendance.


And, since you don't think I'm the meanest person EVER, I will say that Nikki Reed NAILED this and looks perfect for something like Teen Choice. Not too glammed up, not too freaky, just perfect and tan and comfy and IN YOUR FACE OTHER TWILIGHT GIRL! I would like to own this dress immediately.

(All pics found here.)

Well I'm off to have a girl's day and eat Chinese food and see "The Help." I'm pretty excited actually. Especially because the theater we go to has ice cream. Except they also have wooden spoons and wooden spoons make me gag so I have to bring my own. It's BYOS!

Happy Friday!!

Frump-Free Swimwear Coverups

My kids and I spend roughly a quarter of the summer at various water-related activities around the state. There's nothing quite like the tiring-out that happens when my kids are playing in the water and I'm working on my tan. Two hours at the pool equals naps for everyone when we get home, so I try and get out to a pool, lake, splash pad or otherwise whenever we can. Since I live kind of out in the middle of nowhere, heading out to go swimming for the day usually also includes a stop at the store for snacks, stopping at the bank for cash and then grabbing milk on the way home. While I'd just love to wander into local places of business wearing my swimsuit, I have a feeling they don't approve, so I'm always looking for various cute coverups that I can wear while running errands and whatnot.

Think about the typical swimsuit coverup. Did you shudder? I did. I'm talking about oversized t-shirts, people! They are the bane of my existence. Your husband's shirt does not a coverup make! Sure, it conceals your shoulders and half your bum, but it also makes you shaped like a droopy construction worker. You can do better than that! The best thing about wearing a super cute coverup is that it makes you feel cute and attractive so you can get up the nerve to disrobe when you read your watery destination. Plus there's no awkward moment where you have to pull your husband's XXXXL shirt over your head. That's always weird.

Hive Honey tiered skirt, $43
Talbots one piece halter bathing suit, $20
BP. bow sandals, $50
Roxy tote handbag, $40
G by Guess square sunglasses, $29

Can I interest you in a maxi skirt? I wear my maxi skirt as a swimwear coverup because it already looks beachy and it's just easy. Most of the time I wear mine with a tankini and it just looks like a tank top and skirt and I don't feel ashamed in the gas station. I especially recommend a maxi skirt with an elastic waist that you can fold or adjust so the skirt is at whatever length you like. Then you can sweep into the pool and all of the other moms will be jealous because they didn't think to wear their maxi skirts.

Rue21 woven top, $20
Metal Mulisha stripe swimwear, $42
Fox halter bathing suit, $38
Wet Seal flower print shoes, $17
Roxy tote hand bag, $30
Plastic shades, $9.99

Lately I've worn a simple button up shirt as a coverup and I'm kind of obsessed. I usually do it when I'm wearing a two-piece and I want a little modesty for grabbing snacks but aren't really planning on grocery shopping in it. My favorite is that I already have like 10 shirts in my closet that I can work with so it's no biggie to just grab one out on my way. Most button ups (or do you call them button downs? I never know) are made with super light fabric so it's not too hot. I just button a few of the bottom ones to let my cute swimsuit peek through, slip on my sunnies and go work on a tan.

Embroidery dress, $45
Mix Match tankini bikini, $44
ALDO tote hand bag, $21
ASOS gold shades, $21
Papaya Clothing Online :: LEATHERETTE STRAPPY WEDGES, $24

Ah, the sundress. How I love a sundress as a coverup. So much cuter than an oversized souvenir t-shirt and you can even run errands after while still looking respectable. I don't worry too much about my swimsuit ties or anything sticking out. Just work with it. Look for a light dress that covers the necessities and is above all, comfy. I wear my sundress when I've got stuff to do after the pool and can get in and out of the grocery store without flashing anyone. Although, one time I wore a sundress grocery shopping after swimming and I totally forgot that I had been wakeboarding the weekend before and I had a HUGE bruise on the back of my thigh, totally exposed to everyone. Seriously, it was the size of a plate. I looked like a battered woman. Anyway, the sundress looks totally cute with a pair of wedges, too. I just love wedges.

As for accessories, I stick with a tote and sunglasses because anything else is pretty excessive. I'm paranoid about losing jewelry in the water so I go earring, ring, necklace-free.

Of course, that always leads my husband to wonder if I'm trying to pick up guys at the lake sans wedding ring. Yeah, because nothing says "I'm available" like two small children and a flotilla of beach toys. Rawr.

What I Wore: Plain Jane

Here she is! Another outfit post! I'm starting to really enjoy these. So is my husband, as "yoga pants" does not an outfit post make.

One of my favorite ways to dress is to choose a really plain outfit with only a couple of neutral colors, then use accessories to brighten up the look. I love love love playing with jewelry and sometimes I feel like my more colorful pieces (peacock earrings and multicolor necklaces, anyone) don't get the love they deserve is a sea of silver and gold standbys. Yes, I sometimes feels sorry inanimate objects, so sue me. So the other day, while on the way out to my volunteer gig, I suited up with my plain white summer dress, my beloved Fryes and a neutral cargo jacket so I could pile on the cuteness in accessory form.



Dress: Old Navy
Jacket: DEB
Boots: Frye
Necklace (worn as bracelet) Buckle
Earrings and cuff: F21

Also, my hair was done with the no heat curls method. I still can't believe how well it works. Hello, lucious curliness!



My Fryes are easily the most versatile shoes I have in my shoe closet. They match ANYTHING and after nearly two years, they only get better with time. I love wearing them with girly dresses because they're kinda dirty and tough-looking.


My favorite colored bead necklace from Buckle and cute hair buttons I picked up at a local boutique.


I LOVE THESE EARRINGS! Peacock makes me inexplicably happy. I am powerless against it. I carried my teal Roxy bag (not pictured boo) and the brights were all anchored together.

"But Jae!" You say, in a concerned void. "You're wearing a DRESS. For CASUAL WEAR."
Yes. I wear dresses as casual wear. Because they can be casual and they're easier to squeeze into than a pair of skinny jeans. I always say that the first time you wear a dress for like, grocery shopping, it's probably going to feel weird. And if people aren't used to it, they'll inevitably make a comment like "Why are you all dressed up?" Just ignore it and keep going and the third or fourth time it'll feel like second nature and you'll be like "Why didn't I wear casual dresses before this?"

So, the next time you're staring at your closet yearning for an easy peasy way to make a statement, remember: neutral clothes + dress + bright accessories = put together happiness.

Freaky Friday: Peekaboo!

This post was made possible by fan Valerie, who sent me a horrendous link to a dress and inspired an entire post dedicated to sexiness failure.

There's a fine line between looking sexy and looking like a sad porn star. Unfortunately, that line is crossed daily in clubs and grocery stores across North America. When I was younger, my brothers and I were obsessed with a Canadian talk show called Jenny Jones. Now, Jenny Jones only ever had two topics on her shows. 1) From Geek to Chic, where nerds from high school dressed like hookers and came back to prove to past bullies how cool they were, and 2) My Mom Dresses Too Sexy, where 40-somethings showed video of themselves grocery shopping in spandex and then came on stage wearing nipple pasties.

(Yes, I'd like to know why my mom let us watch this too.)

It was some quality program. Please don't dress like this. It embarrassed your kids and launches me into lengthy musings about Canadian talk show hosts.



I actually think this would be fantastic for my next pregnancy (and then we laughed and laughed.) Everyone always wants to feel up my belly anyway, why not make it easier?


Quite possibly the ugliest shoe I've ever had on this blog. Not only does it look smelly, but it smells smelly.



Saddest styling ever. Oh hey, looks at this cut out leather top. What should I wear it with? Nursing scrubs? YES!


But if I don't wear thong-pants no one will see my trashy flower hip tattoo!


Saddest attempt at sexiness ever. "Here. These are my shoulders and stuff."


This is not a dress. It is a cupcake liner.


Ohhhhh yeah SEXY JUMPSUITS! Love that diaper bum!


Best for your next gynecologist appointment. You probably won't even have to wear the paper gown. "Here, why don't you put -- you know what? You're fine. The doctor will be here in a moment."


This is the dress Valerie sent me. I'm going back and forth between thinking it looks like eyebrows and thinking it loos like a smiling anime character. Either way, it's handy for nursing.


This dress is for when you want easy access to gross everyone out with your c-section scar. Preferably at a dinner party. Or PTA.

The sad truth is that some items of clothing, on a mother, always look sad and desperate. Avoid the following:
Latex as a fabric.
Cutouts near your belly, boobs and butt. Actually, cutouts anywhere.
Anything shorter than where you normally shave to.
JUMPSUITS
Anything that makes you look like you make money with your body, you might smell funny or like you might have a sketchy disease.

That should be easy enough, right?

How to: Get Out of a Style Rut

My husband and I were just talking about how when we first got married in 2003, I lived in my baby tees and low-slung jeans and bought things like colored sneakers and thought they were amazing. I still have a pair of red sneakers from my newlywed days, but really, where does one wear red sneakers? A Ronald McDonald convention? (Hahahaha kill me.)


(Me in my favorite newlywed outfit, featuring my Liger shirt. Yes. Liger. It says "Liger - Bred for its skills in magic.)

I love change. Love it love it love it. I'm constantly looking for ways to change up what I have, much to my husband's chagrin. I always want a new paint color or a new wall hanging or what if we put that over there? So it's no biggie for me to head out and buy clothes and accessories that may not be "me." I'll give just about anything a shot. But not jumpsuits. Never jumpsuits.

Still, I understand that if you've looked a certain way for a long period of time, changing your style and getting out of a rut can be a little nerve wracking. You don't want to end up looking stupid or like you're trying hard and then you have piles of acid wash jeans that you're worried will come back in style in like five years (Hint: If you wore a a style the first time around, you don't get to do it again.)

We all have our comfort zones. For some, that happens to be sweatpants, while others find comfort in five inch heels. Guess which one I am. The problem with a comfort zone is that if you stay too long, you might get a little too comfortable. And I mean that in a puffy 80s bangs kind of way. The sad truth is that it's all too easy to get stuck in a style rut. After a while, you can begin to look like a caricature of yourself in another era, and that's sad. Might I suggest some ways that you could spruce up and get out of a style rut?

1) Get a haircut, hippie.

It doesn't have to even be something drastic. Just a little trim, a few swingy layers or a different color always helps me feel a little more fashion forward. There's nothing like the feeling of new hair. I get my haircut and immediately want to go shopping to buy things that match said hair. Is that weird?

(Short hair? Don't mind if I do!)

2) Start with accessories.

Changing your style is scary, I get it. But if you have a classic and traditional style you can totally keep it. Just play with your accessories. They're cheaper and they always fit. Buying a big pair of colorful earrings, a chunky cuff bracelet or a new pair of heels can be the key to more fashion-forward style and if you purchase them in abundance from a store like F21, your husband won't be mad. He'll just be happy you got rid of the snap bracelets and mousy necklaces.

(Turtle shells... they're so hot right now.)

3) Shop with a friend (preferably me.)

I thought about this the other day when shopping with a friend. She needed a new outfit for family pictures and I knew some of the things I picked out for her weren't things she would normally pick for herself. In fact, she may have had a slight anxiety attack when I loaded her up with pencil skirts and wrap shirts and wedge heels. But you know what? She looked totally hot. Sometimes you need to go shopping with someone who isn't YOU. Because YOU always pick the same stuff and end up with a closet full of khaki.

4) Put your own spin on things.

If you see a trend that you love but think would never work on you, the Tim Gunn that bad boy and MAKE IT WORK. I had a friend comment the other day that I must be "pretty tall." I'm 5'4" and she had just never seen me sans heels. I'm very realistic about my body and know what will and won't work on me, but I also don't allow that to sideline me from trying new things. My best tip is to find someone whose style you admire and who has a similar body type and shape as yours. Stop wishing that you could wear summer scarves/oversized sunglasses/skinny jeans and see how others have made it work for them.

5) Just try.

Unless it's a swan dress or a lace mask or a dress made entirely out of Kermit the Frogs, you don't know until you try. Go shopping with a good friends and get ready to laugh at yourself. Last Memorial Day I was shopping at Guess with my sister in law and I picked out a REALLY flamboyant shirt. It was cute, but not really my style but I thought what the heck. I disappeared into the fitting room, telling my sister in law that for some reason, Guess shirts always make me look like a prostitute. Something about the way they fit. When I came out, I laughed hysterically because I most certainly did look like a prostitute. Try things on. If they don't work, laugh and move on.

(This just in: I look like an idiot in jumpsuits. Laugh and learn, people!)

I hope all of my style misadventures are enough to make you want to try something new. I think you'll 100 percent surprise yourself. Nothing quite beats the feeling of slipping on an item that you totally rock without realizing that you could.

Except for jumpsuits.

Never, ever.