On Hold

You guys, I could not be more confused about what day it is. I tend to post M,W, F, and then I got mixed up because of Memorial Day and posted Tuesday, but in my head it was definitely still Monday. Now it's almost Friday and my first world problems are making me feel foggy and off-balance.

I'm also meant to be on a conference call in exactly nine minutes, so this has to be quick. Because I definitely thought today was Wednesday.

I'm also up to my eyeballs in a huge work project (hence my bribing my 5-year-old with Nintendo time to be quiet during said long conference calls), so will you bear with me and check back for just outfits and Freaky Friday for the next week or so? I've got to put something on hold or my very serious business job will start bleeding into my blog or vice versa, and I'm fairly sure my client doesn't want a 5,000 word piece on why I hate Crocs.

 As much as I would love to write that.

 Keep up with me via Instagram, Facebook, and a very pitiful Twitter account and we should be back to normal in a little while.

Thanks fraaands!

What I Wore: American Hipster

I am inexplicably attracted to Americana, which is ironic because I'm not American at all. Wait, if I wear Americana ironically, does that make me a hipster? CRAP.

WHO AM I.

Top: Just Ginger (that's a stupid name) (similar) (maternity) (want!)

Jeans: Maurice's (similar) (similar)

Boots: Call it Spring (here) 

Necklace: Craft fair. It's literally just a letter pendant on a leather cord. See also: Things I could have made myself but instead purchased from other people. 

I wore this on one of those multipurpose days when I was hauling kids to baseball practice and grocery shopping but also having dinner with friends. Skinny jeans and booties forevaaaar. 

Sorry if none of this makes sense. The last two days have been very warm and I'm still acclimating and I feel sunburned and a little sundrunk. I need a nap. Like I'm literally just waiting around for my daughter to get home to be in charge so I can sleep. 

Ooh, I can hear her! Mom of the year, basically. 

Summer Style: Hats

So I'm a big hat person. I live in them all summer long because a) they obviously keep the sun off my face and b) the idea of blowdrying my hair in the heat is akin to the idea of baking cookies on Jae's scale of "Crap I Don't Need to Do to be Happy."

Therefore, much of the summer is spent with a hat jammed on my head. Here's the thing though: I used to think I was definitely NOT a hat person. Excepting a weird phase when I was 12 when I wore a yellow bucket hat everywhere, I went much of my life thinking that hats were for other people. I have large features, and so hats (especially growing up in Canada, where that meant toques) looked weird on me.

Now I love hats and I want you to love them too. So much of feeling confident in one is in choosing the right type of hat for your features and face shape. Once you've nailed that, you're good to go.

A rule of thumb: For me, pulling off hats also amounts to hair and makeup. I usually leave my hair loose and wavy  or in a low, messy bun (again, no blowdrying in the summer) and put a little more effort into my eye makeup when I'm going to be wearing a hat. It makes it look "on purpose" rather than "I just shoved this on my head and ran out the door."

The second rule of thumb is to choose a hat with a brim in proportion to your features. That's why I look sucky in toques (knit hats, for you Yankees). Large features = larger brim. Small features = smaller brim. Yay!

Alright, face shapes:

Heart-Shaped Face

Hey, let's be friends, because I have a heart-shaped face too. That means you have wider cheekbones and a prominent chin, which can make your cheeks look even wider. Luckily, we can rock a classic ball cap like it's our job, which makes me happy. I lean toward vintage caps that add a little height to my face.

O'NEILL Garrett Womens  Hat

Roxy Women's Camp Out Hat

Prana Citizen

Oval Face

If you have an oval face and your forehead, cheeks and chin are all pretty proportionate, you're in luck because you can wear just about anything. Just be conscious of anything with height, since it can make your head look longer. Instead, go for a shorter brim and forehead -- military hats and even rounded straw hats will look best. Just keep the top of the hat (the distance between your forehead and the top) pretty short. 

Braided-Trim Straw Hat

Jessica Simpson Tweed Dot Military Cap

Barbour Wax baker boy hat

Round Face

Look at you, you little baby angel. If you have a round face, rounded hats will make you look -- you guessed it -- round. Since you have full cheeks and a rounder chin, you'll want something that balances out those rounder features. A brim that slants over one side of your face can help create some angles. You look uber cute in a straw fedora and I am jealous because I do not. You can also choose a hat with a higher, square top to add length to your face.

BP. Straw Fedora (Juniors)

Carhartt Women's Osmore Conductor Cap

CALVIN KLEIN Textured Fedora

Square Face

If your face is pretty angular with a strong chin, you want a little femininity in your hat. Don't get me wrong, you look like a total boss in a vintage ball cap. But some softness can help counteract a strong chin. If you do a ball cap, pick one that's a bit girly and you're good to go, otherwise floppy hats are your friend. 

Jane Norman Monochrome stripe floppy hat

Vans Hawthorne Baseball Hat

Wide Brimmed Crochet Floppy Hat

Also, ignore other guides because one time, I looked up what type of hat I should be wearing, and a website for a fashion magazine which shall remain unnamed said this: 

Oh yeah, just let me go get my hat on and I'll start robbing people with my Merry Men.

Anyway, are you a hat-wearer or are you like "Um, no thanks." 

What I Wore: Two Trick Pony

So I bought this cardigan last September, thinking it would be my favorite cardi in the world because it had leather inserts and we all know how much I enjoy leather. When I got it, I realized that literally the only thing it really went with was a white tank top. So I wore it like that all winter long and last week I went to pull it out of my closet and was like "NO I SHALL NOT WEAR YOU WITH A TANK  TOP TODAY!"

Commence musical montage where I try it on with every piece of clothing I own.

I finally found a match with my favorite camp shirt, so hallelujah, my leather cardigan is a one trick pony no more.

Also this is what I do with my time.

Shirt: H&M (similar) (cheap!) (plus)

Cardigan: Target and I can't find it anywhere. Enjoy these other cardigans with leather accents here, here, here, and here.

Jeans: Calvin Klein Powerstretch (here and there is nothing similar because these are the best)

Boots: Frye (here) (similar)

Bracelets/Watch: Local boutique, Gucci, Marc Jacobs and my mama. 

I'm feeling so accomplished for finally finding another way to wear my cardigan. I should pretty much just take the day off, right? 

Freaky Friday

 I just remembered why the month of May is the woooorst. Is it me or is there a crazy influx of everything? My 5-year-old's preschool graduation was yesterday and then next week is completely booked up.

Can I just say my that the worst people in the world are officially parents who film entire school programs on their iPads with the cover open? No, you go ahead and take up literally three feet of wingspan in front of my face. I came to watch the entire thing on your screen anyway. Reality check: Preschool graduations aren't that great and your kid isn't that interested and you'll actually never watch a grainy, shaky video of your child singing "Kookaburra" from the back row again. Film one song and cool it.

Clearly I had some feelings after yesterday's activities. So glad that's over. The only part I filmed was when my kid stood up and said "Hi, my name's Andrew and when I grow up, I want to be a cowboy."

Perf.

Hey, this swimsuit is awesome because it makes you look like the quarterback -- complete with jock strap.

 Sometimes, I don't have funny quips for clothes. I honestly just look at them and am like "Ugh, what the heck is this slop?" 

This is one of those times. 

Lipboob. So hot right now. 

 Enjoy the pentagram this swimsuit burns into your chest, witch. 

 The description for this romper says that it'll keep you "cool and dry." 

I'm not going to get into specifics, but I would argue that there's parts of this outfit that look neither 

cool nor dry. 

Ahem.

 You know I love me a wedge/high top/sandal/Vibram hybrid. 

 From the "Saved by the Bell Goes to Hawaii" collection. 

Other times this would be appropriate for a grown woman:

-You're a Fly Girl.

-You're part of the title sequence for "Blossom." 

That's pretty much it. 

 You're cool, but are you see-though flap on your pants for iPhone usage cool?

Hey, the Green Lantern needs to kick back on the boardwalk too (nerd humor). 

Yeah, so sorry if posting gets a little sporadic around here while I schlep kids to various activities and unnecessary school functions for the next two weeks. Seriously, I'm dying for June, after which I'll start complaining that my kids are bored and driving me crazy. 

I can't wait either. 

What I Wore: Mother's Day

We were at church yesterday and the woman speaking said something along the lines of "I've heard that some people don't like Mother's Day" and my husband shot me a very obvious look. I swear I don't hate it, it's just a lot for someone like me who is very uncomfortable accepting compliments. Also, I feel like more often than not, you end up doing everything a mom does on a regular day, but you have to slap on a smile because you're supposed to love it more than usual.

Whatever. I'm just in it for the presents. My daughter wrote a hilarious book about me and how I love to watch Shark Tank and eat shrimp from Costco, both of which are completely accurate. And my son made me a picture frame, and in addition to my beloved Naked 3, my other half got me a shower speaker so I can blast "Fancy" by Iggy Azalea while washing my hair and a pair of leopard print Reefs because I never shut up about how much I love my Reefs.

I also ate pie and got a three-hour (!!!) nap, so I'd say it was pretty successful. How did you guys do?

I felt like I should have worn something flowy and serene to show everyone what a sweet mom I was, but in the end I was like screw it, I wanna wear a pencil skirt. And very high heels.

Shirt: Calvin Klein - I worship the fit on these shirts (here) (love giraffe in pink!)

Skirt: Tailor and Stylist - no longer available (similar) (plus)

Belt: I have wracked my brain and I have no idea where this came from. My hunch is mod bod, but don't quote me on it (similar) (cute and cheap!)

Shoes: Guess (similar AND with leopard!) (similar)

Necklace: F21 (here)

I guess it's back to normal life now. Hope you guys all felt loved and well-rested and amazing yesterday. I know that 24 hours definitely isn't enough to thank moms for all they do, but maybe it's enough to wrangle like, at least a week of good behavior from your kids.

OK, maybe a day. Or a couple of an hours. We'll take what we can get. 

Freaky Friday

 Hey, it's the Friday of the Mother's Day weekend, everyone. Here's hoping that all my mama friends have an excellent time. Mine kicked off yesterday, when my husband sent me off to Sephora with instructions to finally go buy Naked 3 (which is an eyeshadow palette, and not something creepy) and it is BEAUTIFUL. I seriously cannot wait to play with it today. I resisted buying it because I thought it would be too pink and I now understand the error of my ways.

I also bought that navy blue midkini from Wednesday. I didn't mean to. It just happened.

I don't have much else planned other than a spin class and a new book for the weekend -- just the way I like it. I also want to sleep in and eat something good. I've become a lot easier to please over the years, I think.

Anyway, let's kick things off with a Mother's Day reminder that while your spawn may have caused you stretch marks, at least you don't dress like this.

'X' marks the spot... heh heh heh. 

Also, programming note for those who wear leggings as pants: If they fade like this in the thigh, it's because they're too small and I can probably see your underwear. Size up. 

 Speaking of  swimsuits, can we talk about the tan lines here? When my brothers and I were kids, we'd draw faces on each other's backs (usually when someone fell asleep in the sun) and let them burn and laugh because that's what five siblings do to each other. This suit would be AWESOME for a smiley face. 

Sigh. So many missed opportunities. 

 The closest to becoming a mermaid you'll ever get. 

 Is it me, or do designers just get uber flustered when designing plus size clothing?

"Sir, we have a plus-size order coming in."

"Yes, well, uh, plus size women like um, lamp tassels and rosettes, right? Oh screw it, just staple the crotch and let's get out of here." 

 There's no way to not look like your head is on backward in this coat. 

 This could not be more Duggar-esque.

Speaking of weird TLC families, I've now successfully spotted two of the wives from "My Five Wives" out and about during the last couple of weeks. It's become a Pokemon-like game for me: Gotta catch 'em all! 

 Pants brought to you by the crosshatch tool in Photoshop. 

 Let's revive the discussion of why I hate capris, shall we?
Exhibit#1
Exhibit #2

and these blue pants are Exhibit #9,548.

Look: I own a pair of leather pants. I wear them all the time. But they are a beast to get in and out of and make me sound like a sea lion in a wetsuit when I try to peel them off. Let's now just imagine that times 40 because these are leather overalls. 

You'll be the prettiest little grease money at the Sons of Anarchy body shop. 

Seriously, happy weekend you guys. Hope you get the respect, love and adoration you deserve NAY COMMAND. 

And if not, enjoy the inevitable fight you have with your husband when he realized that he screwed up. Then, enjoy exploiting that screw-up by getting what you want on Monday. 

XOXO