Freaky Friday

Happy Friday everyone! I wake up every Friday morning overjoyed that I get to search the depths of online clearance bins everywhere to bring you the very best in crappy fashion. I take my responsibility very seriously, and have an entire folder on my computer dedicated to it. It makes my eyes bleed.

On to the freakiness!


I'm sorry, but what am I even looking at here? It looks like these stilettos are wearing a scarf. But one of those weird scarves that everyone used to have in the 80s that made them look like they had llama necks.


Next stop, spinsterhood! (Look closely. Those are dogs and cats on that bag. And ti comes with a matching photo album so you can show people just how desperate and lonely you are.)


I don't care who you are, who made them and how much they cost. Clogs are ugly. They are coming back. I want to hide.


Um, but where would one wear a blue, purple and turquoise flamenco dress? It's hardly wedding appropriate, is it?


Here's a quick hint: If the description of the item uses the words "Band Jacket" at any time, step away. Band wasn't cool when you were 14, and it definitely is not cool now. (The acid wash jeans are primo, though. WHO STYLED THIS WOMAN?)


But why, weird denim outfit with unnecessary chiffon middle, why were you on clearance?


Is it me, or are these leggings extra scary? Graffiti is for buildings, not your scary stretch pants.


Basic rule #4,663. If your child wears something called a "romper", it is not for you to wear one too. Unless you like sharing clothes with your 18 month baby boy Also, you WILL have to get naked every time you go pee. Is it worth it? No. Hey! I wonder if they could make this with snaps up the leg like your baby's? Sure it might be awkward, but so much more convenient for diaper changes, am I right?

Alright, I'm outtie for the weekend. I put myself on a "shopping diet" after my huge lapse in judgment while in Canada, but that was TWO WHOLE WEEKS ago. Brutal.

The Skinny on Dressing Skinny

Oh I am ever so clever with my titles! So, I admit it. I don't have the perfect body. I very much want one but no can do. For one, have no will power. I come from a long line of buy-exercise-videos -but-never-user-them types. In fact, I have Turbo Jam sitting on my T.V. right now. That Chalene is a mean lady. So just because of that, I likely won't be an infomercial success story (although I really, really love infomercials.) But it's totally okay, because I know how to dress skinny, even when I'm not feeling so skinny.

The basis of fashion in general is all about proportion; fooling the eye to make you seem like you have the ideal body type. More often than not, the hourglass shape is considered ideal, thank you Marilyn Monroe. Wouldn't it be awesome if everyone wanted a pear shape and was like "OMG have you seen my butt? It is so tiny. I hate my life." But alas, hourglass it is. The good thing about an hourglass shape is that it's pretty easy to replicate. I've got five outfits here that demonstrate five principles of making your clothes do the work that Turbo Jam tries to make you do. Ha! I've beaten the system!

Old Rule #1: Wearing All Black is Slimming.

Items in this set:
Heavenly Couture- White & Charcoal Pinstriped Tank, $15
Waterfall Twill Jacket - Jackets - New Look, 25 GBP
ASOS Leather Pointed Strapped Shoe, $37
Tracy Reese 'Tunisia' Medium Satchel Handbag, $30
Sequin Beaded Long Multi Strand Necklace, $98

New Rule #1: Monochromatic Color in General Will Make You Look Skinnier.

I see someone wearing all black and immediately think "INSECURE!" because someone, bless their hearts, gave the advice that all black is slimming, albeit very depressing. But you can achieve the same result with just about any color if you do similar shades all the way up and down. And then you can add punches of color in your accessories so it's not boring. Monochromatic works because it fools the eye into not seeing any breaks. You're just one tall drink of fashionable water.

Old Rule #2: Hiding in Bulky Clothes Makes You Look Thin

Items in this set:
Crochet Open Cardigan, $30
Popcorn Romance Tank - Teen Clothing by Wet Seal, $22
Gap Petite Womens Houndstooth Hip-Slung Pants, $30
Slouch Shoulder Bag, $33
Bonjour Eiffel Tower Earrings

New Rule #2: Long Accessories Can Thin You Out

How much do I love an open-front cardigan? They make me so happy. The point here is to choose long and drapey accessories over thick and bulky to draw the eye up and down your body. The scarf can help hide any imperfections, while the cardigan gives the illusion of height and a very tiny middle. Two extra points if you belt the entire thing to show off a tiny waist for a pretty much perfect hourglass.

Old Rule #3: Loose Jeans Hide Your Chubbies

Items in this set:
Old Navy Womens Belted Boyfriend Cardigans, $30
Old Navy Womens The Diva Demi Boot-Cut Jeans, $35
Women's shoes/bags: Nine West Barbe - Purple suede, $50
Quilted Stud Handbag, $25
Stone Set Beauty Ring, 16 GBP

New Rule #3: Closer Cut Clothes Hold Your Chubbies IN

Loose clothes make me sad, but so do uber-tight ones. The truth is, when you feel uncomfortable about your body, the last thing that you want is sausage casing pointing at your love handles. When in doubt, go a size up. A well fitting cardi with LONG bootcut jeans worn with decent heels = instant svelteness.

Old Rule #4: Patterns are Bad, Solids are Good

Items in this set:
BCBG Max Azria - Colorblock Top (Multi) - Apparel, $88
Cropped Shrug, $15
Black stripe wide leg trousers, 28 GBP
Women's shoes/bags: Two Lips Marilyn - Tan, $25
Moschino Borsa Tracolla 'Ruffle' Handbag, $75

New Rule #4: Color Blocking is Your Friend

Big, graphic swatches of color, especially in a diagonal or horizontal pattern are your friend. They conceal without being fuddy duddy or obvious. By the by, trouser pants are also super slimming. Find the kind with the large tab-top waist band and you will be in love forever, I promise. PS I totally pine for that red bag!

Old Rule #5: Flowy Dresses Hide Your Flaws

Items in this set:
French Connection Little Black Dress, 47 GBP
Ruffle Front Shift Dress, 60 GBP
Tatianna Halter Dress, $50
Bowtie, $50
Platform Pumps, $25

New Rule #5: Structured LBD's Make You Look Like a Hot Mama

If you're really looking for a good dress, chose one with tones of structure on the top. We're talking seaming and panels, whatever. Then choose the bottom for your body type. Pear shapes, go with fitted on the top and a-line on the bottom. Boy shapes, choose frilly goodness. And the center sheath is universally flattering. Add a really good pump and suddenly you have legs for days and are neatly tucked into a dress that puts everything where it needs to be.

Also, aside from the LBDs, check out the sizes on the bags. They are larger than your every day type. If I've said it once, I'll say it again; bags can make you look smaller. Choose a nice roomy one so you look polished AND skinny.

Remember that clothes are your friend. Instead of using them to hide your body, use them to enhance your body so it looks proportionate and you feel sex-ay.

Giveaway Winner!

Alllllllright, I've got the name of the giveaway winner. From Random.org, the winner iiiiiiisssssss:

BEQUI!

Bequi, shoot me an email at nomoremomjeans at gmail dot com to claim your prize. You've got 48 hours. Congrats, lady!

Thanks to everyone for entering. I love love loved doing a giveaway and will definitely do more. And thanks for joining the facebook page. Isn't is pretty and shiny? It's so awesome to be able to communicate with all of you. And it gives me an excuse to be on facebook more than I already am.

My husband thanks you.

Maternity Monday - The Perfect Jeans

I'm entering my third trimester this week, which means I'm about to get even more uncomfortable than I already am. All of my pants are way too tight, giving me awesome lovehandles and putting tons of pressure on my bladder. So this week, I finally splurged and bought myself some jeans. I really didn't want to since I only have 3 months left, but it became necessary. And now that I have some great fitting jeans, I wish I would have bought them months ago!

Maternity jeans/pants come in several varieties. The type you pick is completely a personal choice. You have to do what works best with your body. There are two main things to think about.

1. Panel Preference
2. Cut

1. Panel Preference
With my first pregnancy, I wore my normal jeans right up until the end. (I know, I want to punch me, too.) I just used an elastic hair band to hold the jeans together when they got too tight to zip up. Soooo fashion-y. Then with my second pregnancy, I needed comfort and the cheap-o elastic band trick wasn't cutting it. I bought what was, at the time, the perfect pair of demi-panel/under belly panel jeans. They were so comfortable and I wanted to wear them everyday. I hated the feeling of anything touching my belly, so having the panel right under my belly was perfect. And now in pregnancy number 3, I HATE THOSE JEANS. Since I'm carrying ridiculously low this time, the under belly panel makes me feel like I need to pee all. day. long. I took Jenna's advice and checked out full panel jeans, and guess what? I loooove them.

Okay, enough rambling. Here are your options.

No panel. These are meant to go under the belly. They don't have a visible panel, but the waistband is elastic and will stretch with your growing bump.

The Demi-Panel/ Under Belly PanelThis is the type of panel I used to love. It hugs the bottom of your belly. If you carry high, this might be comfortable for you.

The Full Panel

AKA, heaven. I love the full panel! But like I said, in my last pregnancy, I wouldn't have been able to stand the feeling of the elastic panel on my belly. It really is completely a matter of preference. Go by what makes you feel the most comfortable.

2. Cut

For maternity jeans, my favorite cuts are skinny: boot cut:

and straight leg/wide leg/ (wide leg not pictured):Okay, so the boot cut jeans I found look more like a flare, and the straight leg looks boot cut-ish, but I'm too lazy to go look for more. It's late and I spent the past two days remodeling two bedrooms. Sorry.

Whatever panel and cut you pick, just make sure they have a lot of stretch in them. Strrrretchy pants = comfort.

Now another thing to think about is what to pair those jeans with. My general preggo fashion rule is this: If you're going to wear something loose fitting on top, pair it with something tight fitting on the bottom. And vice versa. If you wear something loose on top and bottom, you're going to make yourself look bigger than you are. And if you wear tight on tight, you'll probably be showing more curvage than anyone wants to see. Unless you're a skinny terd and have supermodel pregnancies.

So if you're going to wear a straight leg, wide leg, or trouser leg jean, I suggest you pair it with a form fitting top. A top like this one is super snug, but also has ruching on the side to hide imperfections. I want it.If you're going to go with a skinny jean or boot cut jean, you can handle more volume up top like so: (All jeans from Gap and all tops from Motherhood Maternity)

Now I want to go get some cute tops.

Sorry, Freaky Friday, We Gots a Giveaway Instead

****GIVEAWAY IS NOW CLOSED. STAY TUNED FOR FUTURE GIVEAWAYS AND THANKS FOR ENTERING!****




Still looking for some Freaky Friday goodness?

Fine! Geez, don't be so pushy.

Yup, this is a sock monkey shoe. Would you hate me if I said I kind of wanted it? IT WOULD MATCH MY DONKEY MITTENS.

Worst freaky friday post EVER.

The Social Networking Site Known as Bookface

...anyone?

Sorry, I really have a thing for Jim Halpert.

Anyhow, just wanted to let you attractive people know that I now have a *dum da da dum!* Facebook page. If you're looking for daily ramblings about fashion, such as "Why is it that every spring people find it socially acceptable to wander around dressed like an Easter egg?" and "Considering camouflage pants... yay or nay?" then you must join. We will discuss and be friends.

Also, I am SO excited to have my first giveaway tomorrow. Woop woop! It's a good one too. Check back tomorrow for the deets. Then we will discuss and be well-dressed friends.

So, if you're on facebook, or bookface, check me out here and let's be BFF's.

Best Supporting Role: Your Bra

So I just spent the weekend shopping like a banshee (do banshees really shop? Let's try that again)...er, shopping like a Hilton, with my best friend. She was great, and totally talked me out of stupid purchases like a $30 t-shirt and into good purchases, like a $10 cardigan.

While we were out and about (or oot and aboot, seeing as we were on Canadian soil) she was mentioning that she needed to buy new bras since she just had her sweet, adorable and cute son a mere four months ago (she's totally going to read this and be like WTH Jae! Stop talking about my rack on the interwebs! Whatever, she knew what she was getting into when she became friends with me) and her need for new bras inspired an entire post dedicated to the unsung heroes, otherwise known as your bras.

I don't know about you, but my bras are perpetually HAMMERED. I find one I like, wear it religiously for like, six months until it is gray and hanging by threads and generally disgusting. So when I buy a bra, I BUY A BRA. I research it and try on a bajillion until I find THE ONE that I can abuse for awhile.

I suggest you do the same. A bra is the one piece of clothing that you will wear every day, so you'd better make sure that it fits right, doesn't pinch or poke, and above all, LOOKS GOOD.

Depending on your size and shape, you'll need a different type of bra. Before you run off to your friendly neighborhood Victoria's Secret, make sure that you get yourself measured, ideally before you start trying bras on. Weight gain, having a baby, and plain old gravity will have a bearing on the size of your bazookas, so EVERY time you go bra shopping after a span of six months to a year, get resized. Please. And when trying on bras, remember to always place the hooks on the middle eyes so you get the best fit, and move around in the bra to test if it's pinchy or pokey before you make the decision. And, try on bras that work for your body type.



The Handful

If you're like me and were blessed with a less than VS model amount of boobage, a molded cup is the way to go. It'll give you a better shape and much better proportions. Just because you *could* go without a bra, doesn't mean you should. Also, choosing one with girly deets like this frill here can give you a little more dimension up top and fool the eye into thinking there is more there. Plus, it's really pretty.


The Wanderer

After having babies and nursing, you're likely to notice that your girls aren't quite as high as they used to be. Ideally, they should fall at the midpoint between your underarm and elbow, so when you try on bras make sure that they bring them back up. A push up is for you, my friend, as long as it has a thick and supportive band to hold you in. Make sure that the band isn't creating scary back rolls... if it is, go up a band size and keep the cup the same.

The More Than Enougher

To the lucky ladies who have generous proportions when it comes to boobage, choose a full coverage bra. Don't worry if the cups look big... you'll STILL have cleavage and your body will get a better shape. Pick a pretty one for extra good feelings. For special occasions, step away from the push up! You'll look like your boobs are staging death by suffocation. Try a demi cup instead, which is like a half-cup that can give you a really pretty neckline without scaring the children.

The Night on the Town

You should definitely have a convertible bra. There is nothing I hate more than exposed bra straps with the wrong outfit. It looks trashy any way you look at it. Don't be lazy and grab a bra that can be used with regular straps, strapless, racerback, halter, whatever. It's a good investment to have in your lingerie collection simply so I won't make judgments about you.



The Non-Ugly Gym Goer

Remember how we talked about ugly gym clothes and how they make me cry? Same goes for ugly sports bras. YOU MUST buys a sports bra to workout. Regular bras will not cut it through all of the moving and whatnot. And look how pretty this one is!!

K, so I purposely didn't include the brands and sites to get these ones because unless it's the same bra that you already own in the same size you have, you should not be ordering bras online. GO TO THE STORE. Try them on. I know it's slightly uncomfortable, but most lingerie stores have lovely lighting. You'll be fine, I promise.

Maternity Monday - Cardigans

Last week, I talked about showing off the baby bump. This week, I'm going to totally contradict myself. Yes, sometimes you feel cute and want to show off the basketball you're hiding under your shirt, but other times, not so much. You feel like a big swollen blob and just want to throw on a muumuu or giant shapeless t-shirt and crawl into bed with an entire box of Girl Scout Cookies.

The best thing to do when you're having a fat day is to still try to look cute! Just because you want to hide under your clothes doesn't mean you have to look like a fashion train wreck. There are perfectly acceptable ways to hide your body without compromising on cuteness.

Enter the cascading cardigan. Last winter I bought a bunch of cascading cardigans in different colors. And for way cheap because that's how I roll. They're non-maternity, but work great while pregnant. The cardigans in the picture below are from a maternity store, but there is absolutely no need to spend money on a maternity cardigan when you can just buy a regluar one pretty much anywhere. (Seriously, mine are all from good old Ross.) These things provide plenty of room.

Motherhood Maternity

The key to pulling off this look is to make sure the rest of your outfit is somewhat form fitting. Don't pair a cascading cardigan with baggy jeans or a loose fitting skirt. If you're going to have volume on your top half, you need something tight on your lower half. This look works with skinny jeans, boot cut jeans, or even a pencil skirt.

Remember the cinchy belts we talked about last week? Well, one day, I walked by a store that had a mannequin in the window that was wearing a cascading/drape cardigan with a cinchy belt over it. I thought...hmmm, I'll try it. I wish I could have found a picture to show you, but I couldn't, so you'll just have to use your imagination. Mmkay?

Start with a drapy cardigan like this one. Make sure it doesn't have a ton of extra volume. Then pair it with a belt like this, right under the bustline. I know, it's kind of hard to imagine. Just trust me.

Another way to semi-hide your baby bump is with a scarf. Obviously, it won't really hide it. BUT, what it will do is draw attention elsewhere. Throw on a plain white tee, preferably one that fits snuggly, and accessorize with a cute scarf.

Forever 21

Voila! People will be admiring your cute scarf instead of your expanding waistline. Just make sure you read Jae's post about scarves before you go for this look. Otherwise you might end up looking like a lost cowgirl like I once did.

What? I Can Be Nice...

Dear Lady Gaga:

I think you look uncharacteristically pretty in this ad for MAC Cosmetics.

Do you know what would be even prettier?

PANTS.

That goes doubly for you, Cyndi Lauper. This is not 1983 and you are too old for onesies.

Kisses,

Jae

**EDIT!

My brother who is a motivational speaker just released this video with quite possibly the BEST Lady Gaga impersonation I've ever seen. Clearly, our love for her runs in the family. Ch-check it out here.

Maternity Monday: Silhouettes

Hi everyone! My name is Nathaly and I'm the new preggo. In case you're wondering, that's Natalie, not NaTHaly. My Colombian parents threw in a silent H just to mess with me. I'm about 26 weeks pregnant with my third child (a girl), and have two hyper boys ages 4 and 2. I've got a degree in Radio and Television Communications (yeah, super useful) and am currently a stay at home mom and wannabe photographer. I know. Who isn't? I'm so excited to be doing Maternity Monday!

For me, looking cute while preggo is all about the silhouette and showing off the baby bump. Right now I'm at the phase where nothing fits anymore, but maternity tops are still too big. I wear a lot of non-maternity clothes that are a size or two bigger, but sometimes they just don't fall right. Take this dress for example:

It stretches all weird over the belly and doesn't look flattering. The solution? A well-placed belt.
Much better silhouette.

The belt is just one of those cinchy belts I used to wear on the smallest part of my waist when I still had one. Now I just wear it right up under the bust line. I do this with shirts that have no shape, dresses that are little too big, or just to jazz up an outfit. Obviously, this won't work for everyone. I can still do this because 1) I'm still early enough in my pregnancy that I have some room under my bust line, and 2) I carry low. If I carried higher, a belt would probably drive me crazy.

The belt in the pics above came from WetSeal. I couldn't find it online, but they have the same one in black at Forever21.
Anything wider would get uncomfortable, so look for belts that are more narrow and don't have a huge buckle.

Like I said, this tip also works for loose fitting shirts. Here are a couple of shirts that could be belted to show off that baby bump silhouette.

I love the color of this shirt from Old Navy. But in my current stage of pregnancy, this shirt would look like a tent on me. So I'd pair it with jeans and belt it with something like this:Love the two buckles. (Charlotte Russe) I own one similar to this in brown that has 4 buckles. It's quite pirate-y. I wouldn't recommend that. This stretchy belt from Charlotte Russe would also work with the shirt above. It's completely elastic which equals comfort.

Here's another Old Navy shirt that would be cute jazzed up with a belt.



I'd pair it with a pop of color like so:Cute! Another favorite color of mine. (Forever21)

If you carry high and the belt thing won't work for you, worry not. Just look for shirts with a seam under the bustline.

The seam will give your curves a more flattering shape. (Old Navy)

I also love the idea of a cute sash that can be tied in a bow.

(Both from Motherhood Maternity.) I love this last one. If my black pencil skirt still fit, I'd be buying this and wearing it to church on Sunday with some red heels. But if I try to squeeze into it, I'll surely bust a seam. Time to get a maternity pencil skirt! Hmmm, I'm off to talk to the hubster about arranging a little "me time" for some shopping.

Freaky Friday

Yay Friday! It's my daughter's birthday weekend, so I have to get moving. Did I ever tell you never to have two children in the same birth month? What a terrible, terrible idea. I so want this over.

THEN! I'm going to see my best friend in Canada on Thursday (so you're going to have to do without a Freaky Friday posting) because I will be here. No biggies, it's just my shopping MECCA and I haven't been in like ten years. And it's not like I've been socking money away in my secret shopping account that my husband doesn't know about so I can blow it all on a marathon shopping spree or anything.

Anyhow, onto the post!



I feel like Lady Gaga is going to read my blog and be like "YES! Yes! I have been looking everywhere for an amoeba dress! Thank you, Jae. You've inadvertently helped your greatest enemy." And then she'll snap her fingers, and her tiny purple little people assistants (which I can only assume she has) will run off to their secret golden sewing room and make one while listening to "Bad Romance" on replay, after which she'll pay them in spankings.

Gaga ooh la la, indeed.

There are so many things wrong with this vest. It a SHAWL COLLAR, GREEN CHENILLE, KANGAROO POCKET vest, people. Why even buy this? Just go ahead and sign up for the PTA craft swap now.


Ugh, AGAIN with the harem pants. Am I the only one who thinks they just make you look like you have droopy saddlebags?


But, just in case harem pants aren't enough, invest in a whole harem outfit. You know what? I can respect this as a complete and utter commitment to dressing badly.

PS, where would you even wear this??

Don't you hate it when you're rushing out the door, kids, keys and phone in hand, you get to our kid's school and step out to drop him off, only to realize you've totally forgotten to put on PANTS? So embarrassing, right? Don't worry. It happens to the best of us.


Could this smack anymore of Paula Deen and meatloaf? Sweet mother. Also, I heard Paula Deen was going to be a guest judge on American Idol. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO OUR SOCIETY?


K, are the horseshoes even necessary? I fell like they are just a smidgen too literal.


My awesome cousin in Canada sent me this gem. Get ready for this.

It's a bra.

With prepasted nipples.

So you can look cold all of the time, yet still have the support of a good bra.

Like Demi Moore, on the cover of G.I. Jane.

It was $2000. Or $2,200, for my Canadian friends.

JGFSJHG@#MFKJHGLKJ.

Sorry, that was me hitting my head against the computer.