Maternity Monday: DON'TS

Preggos of the world … this is the most important fashion advice I can give you. This post right here. Please, do yourselves a big ol’ favor and do not fall victim to the following maternity fashion tragedies.

1. Spandex

I firmly believe Spandex was only invented for two purposes: form-fitting undergarments and exercise clothing (and maybe that icky headband you use to hold your bangs back when you’re washing your face). Any other usage of this material is a gross violation of fashion law. And seriously, it just looks bad. So don’t do it.

Case in point:

If you are shopping and come across these bad boys, AVOID. Because in reality, your body is going to be getting a lot curvier very soon, if it hasn’t already. And the last thing you need is skin-tight fabric hugging – nay, suffocating all those curves and accentuating them for all to see.

Alternative:

If you want to run your errands in comfort, try these cute comfy drawstring pants from Old Navy.

Jersey-lined drawstring pants, Old Navy

They come in four different neutral colors and will look infinitely better than Spandex leggings. Pair them with a cute hoodie, like this:

Lightweight pull-over hoodie, Old Navy

and some sneaker flats. Put-together, yet comfortable. And not hideous.

2. Muumuus

Pregnant women have historically fallen prey to the alluring yet vicious muumuu. Muumuus are roomy, and they look sooooo comfortable. But that’s the problem – they contain SO MUCH ROOM, you’ll end up looking like a sumo wrestler wearing a floral tent instead of a beautiful, shapely pregnant woman.

Here’s the trick to looking cute while you’re incubating a human: hide your unsightly flabbiness while simultaneously showing off your belly. It’s tough, but doable. I can help you. A muumuu cannot. So AVOID.

Alternatives:

So, you’re looking for a dress that’s comfortable and casual (like a muumuu) but not gargantuan? Here are some options:

Elbow sleeve tab cuff dress, Motherhood

This too-cute denim dress from Motherhood Maternity. Pair it with some red heels or cowboy boots and a chunky bracelet. Daaarling. I’d probably tie the knot on the side, though. It’s a little much up there in the front.

Not really digging the denim? Try this:

Knot-front dress, Old Navy

Stick a cardigan or a crop jacket over it and it’s ready for fall. It’s easy to wear and versatile.

3.Tent-like tops

Ok, so there may (probably will) come a time at the end of your pregnancy when you think a camping tent is the only thing that will fit over your growing belly. However, I advise you to stay away from “tent tops” (you know, the ones with copious amounts of fabric that usually tie in the back and flare out at the bottom) as long as humanly possible.

Here is an example of such a top. Again, when you see it … AVOID.

Whoa. Did you just go back to 1995 for a second? I did.

Alternatives:

Maternity clothing vendors are starting to figure out that these tops only make pregnant women look huge and feel frumpy, so they’ve come out with lots of slimmer styles, like these:

Short-sleeve ruffle top, Motherhood

3/4 sleeved side-ruched sweater, Motherhood

Side-shirred V-neck tee, Old Navy

Scoop-neck ruffle top, Gap

See? Otherwise normal-looking shirts, just with a little extra fabric in the front. The key here is to buy maternity shirts in your regular size. If in doubt, try it on.

And lucky for us, lots of current non-maternity clothing can keep you covered for most of your pregnancy. Look for tunic-type tops and empire waistlines with some give in the bust area (those puppies are going to get even bigger eventually). Or, if you want something more form-fitting, look for longer tops that stretch a lot. Buy a size bigger than you’d normally wear, and voila! You have a fashionable yet versatile top that will not only work during pregnancy, but afterward as well. And since it doesn’t say “maternity” on the label, you won’t feel bad about wearing it once baby makes his debut.

Other DON’TS:

These, I originally didn’t feel a need to mention because they are usually summer faux-pas and it’s currently fall, but they’re worth noting for those of you who will be pregnant during warmer seasons.

Shorts. Whatever you do, don’t wear any shorts above knee-length. Teensie shorts are not really meant for adults, anyway, but especially not for pregnant adults. Unless you are Heidi Klum, don’t do it! Go for a knee-length, NON-tapered Bermuda short instead.

Speaking of tapered … don’t ever wear bottoms that are tapered ( meaning they start off big and get smaller as they go down your leg). They’ll just accentuate your hips, which happen to be the widest part of the female body. And that’s never a good thing. This category includes skinny jeans and capris (crop pants).

Also, stay away from tank tops. I don’t know about you, but when I get pregnant, my arms get kinda … jiggly. And big. And not in a good way. Instead, try a cap sleeve or flutter sleeve top. A little fabric can go a long way in making your arms look slender and long. A tank top will only make your arms look larger than life.

Remember – cover your flabbiness but show off your belly.

Fake Lashes: Your Secret Weapon

I have a confession to make.

I am not a very photogenic person.

I know, you're shocked right. And maybe I am harder on myself than the general public, but I see pictures of myself and I generally criticize them until you'd be sure that I was talking about the Hunchback of Notre Dame. I told you I was judgmental!

Anyway, every year the holiday season rolls around, and guess what that means? Yup, family pictures. Now, let me say that I find nothing in this WORLD more torturous than family picture day. My husband's family is MASSIVE and filled with small children who cry, sneeze, antagonize each other and ruin pictures. Which only means more pictures are taken, where the adults have to suck it in YET AGAIN and hope that they don't look hideous. Because it is, after all, all about the children smiling.

Did I mention that we always do family pictures at my house too? Yeah.

I did however, find a way to make every picture of ME a super good one, so that we didn't have to take as many to find one that is holiday card-worthy. And that, my friends, is false eyelashes.

I know, right? Like WHO wears false eyelashes? Am I a showgirl? I assure you, no. Who would pay to see a mother of two shake it? I mean, really, let's be serious here. But a few carefully placed falsies opens up your eyes, and gives you a general better-than-usual look that everyone will notice, without questioning HOW you did it. Which is nice.

False lashes might sound a little scary. You probably see them at your drugstore all the time and don't think twice about them. But they are so easy to use, and make you look a smidgen better. I wear them for pictures, special events like weddings or concerts, and work parties. I'm actually a little sad that people will know my little secret now.

Here's how to use them. First, choose the kind that will work best. You can buy them in strips, which work well if you already have pretty generous lashes, or individual clusters if you're lash-challenges. If using the clusters, ONLY apply two or three clusters to the out corner of the eye. That's all you'll need, and it'll make a huge difference. Use tweezers to hold the cluster, and dip the edge in the lash glue. Place it on TOP of your natural lashes and clamp down for a few seconds. Voila!

With strip lashes, they can look really drag-queenish if you use the whole thing, so cut them in half. It'll give you an extra set, and look more normal. They might come pre-glued, but even still, stick a little strip of glue along the base, and use tweezers to apply them to the top outside corner of your lashes.

When you've got them in place, glued and dried, CURL them. This will make a big difference in how they blend with your lashes. Do the three clamp trick with your curler: once at the base, once in the middle, once at the end to create a nice curve. Then put on two coats of a black mascara to blend them all together so they match the color of your natural lashes.

See how easy it was? It's a tiny thing that you can do that makes a big difference. I took a picture of me wearing them. You can't really tell like, omg she's wearing fake lashes, but it's enough to glam up an otherwise ordinary makeup regimen.



See? Darker lashes define the eyes better. (I was going on a date with my husband the night I took this picture. I basically wear them anytime I want to up the ante, if you will.)

So, make every picture a good picture. I often get asked what one should wear in family pictures. FAKE LASHES. Especially when those pictures are going to be hung in a house or sent to everyone you know in cards.

You don't need to buy expensive ones. Most are for one use only. Just wash them off when you wash your face at night, they'll slide right off, and if you're me, wash down the drain. What? Who said that?

Fake lashes: Cheap and easy. They are the whore of the cosmetics world.

Maternity Monday: Belly Basics

A picture of me, in case you were wondering what I look like.

Hello, fashionistas! My name is Jenna (as Jae mentioned before). I am 22 and married to an awesome guy. We have a darling 2-year-old daughter and another baby (unknown gender) on the way, due in late March. I recently graduated from Brigham Young University in communications with an emphasis in broadcast journalism. Yes, it is the most fun major ever! No, you will not see me on television any time soon. For now, I am doing the mom thing and loving every minute of it.

Today, I am 15 weeks pregnant. Which, as all you mommas know, means I am going to have to start expanding my wardrobe a little bit. Quite literally.

Last time I was pregnant, I was a hot mess. At about this same gestation, I went to buy some maternity clothes and left empty-handed and frazzled beyond belief. At the time, I was a starving student and realized 1) maternity clothes are expensive and 2) maternity clothes are HUGE. Trying on all those tent-like tops and saggy-butt jeans pretty much had me in tears. I resigned to the fact I'd have to rely on my current wardrobe, at least until I packed on a few more pounds.

I quickly learned, however, that a few items can get you through the early phases of belly expansion while allowing you to wear your non-preggo clothes. I call them "belly basics", and here they are:

1) Camisoles/undershirts:

As your belly begins to expand, you'll find your normal tops getting a little too short. Stick a cami under it -- problem solved (at least for a little while).

Motherhood Maternity microfiber camisole

Plus, think of all the cute things you can wear over a cami -- a cute slouchy cardigan, a crop jacket, a tunic ... the possibilities are endless. My suggestion is to get into your closet and try on all your blazers/cardigans/jackets/shirts with your new belly. Most of those things will probably work for quite some time with the help of a camisole, much to your surprise. Don't make a trip to your nearest maternity clothing retailer just yet.

Also, Tilly's has regular non-maternity seamless cami's for just $7.99, and they make them in every color of the rainbow. They are one size fit's all and will definitely cover your belly.

If you're looking for more coverage, try the Wonder Tee from DownEast Basics. They sell them in both regular sizes and maternity (although, during pregnancy #1, I learned that the regular ones, purchased a size bigger than I normally would wear, lasted me the entire pregnancy. They are very stretchy and long. I even walked into the delivery room in one).

DownEast Basics Wonder Tee

I also love their 3/4 Sleeve Tee, which never got too small to cover my belly, either.

2) Bella Band/belly sleeve:

This lovely band of stretchiness will get you through the awkward "I can't button my old pants anymore, but maternity jeans make my butt look horrendous" phase. With this, you can keep wearing the jeans/pants/skirts you already have until you've got enough junk in your trunk to fill out maternity sizes. Leave your bottoms unbuttoned or even unzipped, and use this band to hold them in place, like so:

Motherhood Maternity belly sleeve

See what I mean? Genius. And if your shirt doesn't cover the band? Who cares! Layering is all the rage these days, anyway. It'll just look like you've got a cami sticking out underneath. Perfect.

Bella Bands themselves can be pretty pricey. Luckily, Motherhood (linked above) and Target carry sufficient knock-off versions. Belly bands for all!

3). Cute, comfy pair of flats:

Heels might be getting a little uncomfortable by now. If not, good for you. But if they are, then it's time to go shoe shopping! (Heck, go shoe shopping, anyway!)

Fall is the perfect time for flats, and they come in lots of varieties. You can get dressy flats, casual flats, or anything in between. Might as well get a pair of each, right?

Target Mossimo metallic flat

DC slip-on sneaker

American Eagle button flat

And come on, who doesn't need a new pair of shoes (or five)? Don't we all, pregnant or not?

Jenna regularly blogs at Mom the Intern.

YAY! Important News

So I love love love to blog about moms and bad fashion and good fashion and gladiator sandals, but some of you may not know that writing is also my day job. So I work a couple of hours for MONEY and then I'm like, oh yeah, I should also dispose of some advice on my fashion blog, and post pictures for my mom on my personal blog. (You guys don't know my mom... if she doesn't get daily grandkid pics, heads. will. roll.) So I've been a little burned out on the writing front, and I love my fashion blog the most because it's a creative outlet. But it doesn't pay the bills. It occasionally nets me free merchandise, but alas, no bills paid. So work comes first. And since I hate to disappoint my lovely fashion moms, I enlisted the help of another mom to do a Monday feature for me. Her name is Jenna, and she's pregnant, and you know what that means?

THE RETURN OF MATERNITY MONDAY! ONDAY! ONDAY! (That was an echo, okay? Let's pretend.)

So Jenna will be here on Monday, just so you aren't confused, to talk about dressing your cute little pregnant belly, as she is the current owner of one. I wished that I could be better with my original Maternity Monday, but when I was pregnant, I was in the hospital, and my fashion consisted of a Beatles t-shirt, some Abercrombie sweatpants and rainbow slippers. Really. So I was not in any condition to get all preachy about how to look.

So, when you log on Monday, as I know you ANXIOUSLY do, look for Jenna and her thoughts on dressing hot while shaped like a bowling ball. You'll still get me a couple more times a week. I have been thinking about being sneaky and snapping pictures of badly dressed mothers at the play area of the mall. How mean do you think that would be?

YAY.

Linky Linkerson

PLEASE read this hilarious article by a 17 year old girl who wants Moms to know what is okay and what isn't when it comes to getting dressed every morning. I might try and adopt her. Even though that would be entirely inappropriate. If I had a 17 year old kid, it would mean that I had a baby at age eight. People might say things.

Fashion 101: Putting Together an Outfit

There is a question that I get asked often. And it's asked in secret, shamefully. That question is "How do I know what looks good together?"

Even girls who were total foxes in their teen years forget how to put an outfit together when they become moms. The rules no longer apply. For one, no one uses AuquaNet anymore. But the issue is deeper. When you were a teen you dressed a certain way. If you dressed like that now, people would think you were mental.

For instance, in high school I wore shirts with fruit on them. Don't ask me why. There is a photo floating around on Facebook of me wearing a shirt with cherries on it, along with a thick bathtub chain necklace and a smug smile because I thought I looked pretty hot. I also carried an olive green canvas messenger bag. Yeah. In high school standards, I looked normal. Today's standards? Crazy person.

So you need to learn to adapt with the times. A girl who knows how to put an outfit together looks put together no matter what. Take a simple recipe for dressing success, and make substitutions as needed. We've talked enough about what to wear for certain occasions for to know what;s appropriate. Now, the true test is learning to put it all together. Here's the equation. Remember that this is BEGINNER stuff. If you feel like you're more advanced when it comes to fashion, feel free to move along. I am laying out the basics here. As you get more comfortable, strike it out alone and throw my rules out the window, please.

1) Take a NEUTRAL.

Choose a neutral. One neutral. Fashiony people will tell you it's okay to pair neutrals together, but I hate that. Why? Well, for one, it's boring. Just do the one neutral and fill the rest in with color. And for two, I don't care WHO you are, gray and brown don't look nice together. They look drab. Say it with me, COLOR! For the most part, in pants, neutrals belong on the bottom, or with a jacket. You are not advanced or young enough to wear neon jeans. SORRY. Skirts can be whatever color you want, just tone it down on top.



2) Choose an ACCENT. The accent will be the color that goes with the neutral. Luckily, any color goes with a neutral so it doesn't really matter. Focus in stead on fabric. What makes or breaks an outfit are the fabric pairings. Please don't do polyester and satin, k. Pair dressier fabrics with sturdier ones, ie: a satin shirt with menswear style tweed pants. Keep casual fabrics together so you don't look mismatched. Focus on fit and balance it out. Remeber if one piece is fitted, the other should be loose. Got that?




3) Add SHOES. Shoes are so great to make a plain Jane outfit look awesome. Consider first your level of activity. Are you walking or on your feet? Flats. Dancing or showing off? Heels. Then, consider the length of your bottoms. DO NOT wear heels with short pants. Please for the love of all that is holy, if you wear heels and jeans, the jeans should almost graze the ground. If they don't, get some flats and call it a day. Remeber not to be too matchy with your footwear. If you wear a pink shirt, don't wear pink shoes, it's too cutesy and it makes the outfit look clownish. Choose an accenting color instead. Brown and black are always acceptable until you get your feet wet.



4) Pick ACCESSORIES. Have you ever heard that old adage about "If you're wearing accessories, take one off before you leave the house"? Um, this is utter and complete hogwash. Accessories are your friend and you can wear as many as you want as long as you don't wear them too close together. Be my guest; wear a bajillion rings with huge earrings or an armful of bracelets and a long necklace. Pile it on. Accessories will ultimately make the outfit look like you. Stock up on them at cheapie places like F21, Wet Seal and Claires and you will be happy. Don't be afraid of quirky pieces like a huge ring or a peacock feather necklace. When it comes to accessories, you can pretty much do whatever you want.



5) HANDBAG time. Remember these: dressy=a clutch. Always. casual=handbag, whatever kind you want. Match a more structured style with a structured satchel, casual clothes with a slouchy hobo style.




And voila! Instant outfit. As you become more comfortable, you can branch out and try new things. The trick is to get out of your comfort zone/rut and try something else. Even if you are a total capris and Keds kind of girl, and think "Oh, well people will think I look ridiculous if I wear anything different", you have to at least do me a favor and TRY. Outfits are easy, but sometimes confidence is hard. Better yet, try it for a whole week. I personally guarantee it'll be enough to make a few people sit up and take notice. Plus, even if there are naysayers, they're probably just jealous. Remember folks, it doesn't matter what they're saying, as long as they're talking about you.

(Clothing is Banana Republic, accessories from F21 and DROOLWORTHY bag is Valentino... $2,000 but a girl can dream. Sigh.)

Fall Trend I Don't Understand: Booties

I have kept my silence long enough.

I. Hate. Booties.

I don't care who you are. Model or mom. These shoes look stupid. I know they are supposed be fashion-y and all of that, but oh my gosh, they are so not flattering. They cut your leg off and make you look stumpy. LOOK AWAYYYYYYYYY. They look so horrid on anyone. I don't know why people would be like hmmm, those regular pumps look nice, but you know what would make my calves look massive? These awesome booties. THEY ARE CALLED BOOTIES. Poor Keira Knightley up there looks like a weird school-marm. She's in her early twenties. Not cool.

Avoid.

K, sorry, I just had to get that out. I have been having booties being shoved down my throat here and I even had a moment of weakness where I was like "Maybeeee..." and them my common sense kicked in and I was like "GET IT TOGETHER JAE."

I feel much better now.

Fall Trend I Love: Metallics

I've been doing a fair bit of shopping lately, (Moi? Shopping?) and have been noticing pretty sweet trends that I love that are on shelves right now. Let's get one thing out of the way like, now. Trendy can be dicey for someone like an older mom. You can come off looking slightly desperate to fit in if you really pile it on are are a trend whore. In general, a sophisticated signature look is the way to go. However, you can add little trendy items here and there to update your more basic pieces and make them look new. I've been told before that I look like I never wear the same thing twice. In actuality, I just change up outfits so that they look constantly new. Don't get in a rut! Try new things here and there. If they work, great. If they don't, shelve 'em and try something else. Fashion is not a life sentence, you guys.

One of my favorite things that I've been seeing is metallics. I used to be a strictly silver girl. I felt like it was younger. But with new golds coming out in better textures and patterns, try it out! I bought a pair of gold earrings and have been wearing them nonstop because they are so much more unexpected.

The problem that most women have with metallics is TOO MUCH. You could end up looking like the tin man... or a pimp. Either way, not good. So instead of looking for like, gold lame blazers and other horrifying things, stick to accessories when it comes to your metallics. It lets you in on the trend without looking like you raided Elton John's closet.

I found some awesome, non-spendy items to add to your old standbys so that you can join in on the fun without committing yourself.

If you're thinking "But Jae! I don't know what things to match with metallics!" Well, you're in luck. New school metallics pretty much go with anything. But, if you're wary of that, here's some color combos to keep in mind that look awesome. For gold, do it with browns, red (I LOVE red and gold together) green, blue, purple or any other jewel tones. For silver, do it with cool colors like gray, pink, black and white. I prefer white with silver over gold because gold and white look a little cougarish to me. I'm sorry, but you've heard my story about my friend's cougar mom, right? She tainted many things for me; leopard print, gold and white, and sauce with wine in it. So you can thank her for my weird cougar phobias.



I love the knot detail on these pumps. I also love that they have a hidden platform, sop it looks like you're wearing ridiculously high heels, but it's really on 3". Total side note, I had the brilliant idea to buy my first pair of 5" heels. I wore them for five minutes and felt like sawing off my ankles. But 1) they looked REALLY good, and 2) I'll definitely be wearing them again.



I feel like doing a pointy gold heel cuts back on the gaudy factor that you might get with a more elaborate heel. These would be so so so good with dark jeans. So good. (Both shoes from GoJane.com for super cheap)




This Melie Bianco clutch makes me die a little inside. Love the snakeskin pattern, and it's such an update on your general black clutch.



How freakin adorable are these headbands for $9 at Target? I love little flashy headbands. They are perfect for kicking up an otherwise blah outfit. Also, very good for making a messy hairdo seem on purpose. I do this alll the time. Slick it into a ponytail and then slide the combs in so that you get a slick front and the back of the pony is poofy. Love.


There are people who will be all like, "Don't ever mix metallics!" But here is proof you can. Love this serious bracelet from F21. How awesome would it be with just a plain brown v-neck tee or something? It's like you're all plain Jane and then you're like KACHOW! Deal with it, sucka!




Another F21 find. Love the antique feel. Buy immediately.




I love the idea of a little silver brooch that you can pin anywhere to look a little chicer. Hair? Check. Bag? Check. Blazer? Check. I'd even pin it to tall boot. (Spiegel)

If you ever find some other awesome metallic accessories I would luh-hove to hear about them. So would my bank account. It hates having money in it, and I'm happy to oblige.

Guilt Free Attractiveness

So.

I was just thinking about how sometimes, when you're a mom, you show up all disheveled and then say annoying things about how you never get to shower since you had a kid and you don't bother to wear PANTS because that would be taking time away from precious Swayzie (can I just say a kid in my daughter's preschool class is named this and it makes me want to simultaneously throw up and dance? Like, I love Dirty Dancing as much as the next gal and love me some Patrick, but naming your kid after him? Weird.) So mom's generally use their kids as the big excuse as to why they don't take care of themselves.

Wrong.

Couple things. 1) Um, I'm pretty sure showering is a basic human right and 2) who said that your kid wants to look at his dumpy mom all day?

You should NEVER feel guilty about taking care of yourself. Really. Those women who are complete martyrs for their kids wind up crazy OR having to deal with their husband's wandering eye, if you know what I mean.

That's why you should streamline your process of getting ready to a few different points of attractiveness, so that you can plan accordingly. My three points are 1) Errand running attractiveness, 2) Lunch out or business attractiveness and 3) Super hot Friday night attractiveness. I know down to the minute, how long each of these will take me. For instance, if I am having lunch or meeting with someone important, I know it takes me exactly 30 minutes from shower to shoes to get ready. So, I plan my day accordingly. Half hour before I need to leave, kids are entertained by something or plopped in the tub while I do my makeup in the bathroom. You NEED to be able to carve out 30 minutes for yourself without feeling guilty.

I have a three year old daughter, and I bought her a set of brushes that she uses while I'm getting ready. I hand her a cheap compact of clear face powder and voila! 30 minutes of sanity while I get ready.

If you are the enterprising sort and REALLY feel guilty about taking time for yourself, try doing it first thing in the morning before kids are up. Not only are you not taking time away from kidlings, but you start the day off on the right foot, lookin' fine and stuff.

Find products and styles that work effortlessly, and I really mean effortlessly. I am addicted to Bare Minerals because it cut my moisturizer/foundation/poweder to one step and I am dunzo. If I don't have time to shower, hair is in a cute pony a la Jennifer Aniston (I just run a straight iron through my bangs and call it good.)

The point is, justifying to yourself that you don't look good because you have kids just isn't good enough anymore. Not to mention, um, why the heck are you blaming your kids? Look at their sweet l'il faces. You're a jerk.

As for clothes, just pick an easy style that you can pull off without trying on a bajillion things in your closet. If you need to, lay it out the night before, or do what I do and plan things on events rather than days, ie: lunch with the girls, Friday night date, day just hacking around the house not doing anything special other than trying to convince myself to do a Turbo Jam DVD and eating peanut butter on crackers instead. That way, no matter what is thrown at you on any given day, you're like oh hey, I'll be ready in twenty mins. And then everyone will be like "OMG, she is so put together. She must spend like three hours getting ready. Like, when does she even spend time with her kids?"

And you can be smug. Yay! I love to be smug!

Linky Linkerson

Well, I'm partying it up in the Great White North. Meanwhile, I was checking on my absolute favorite fashion blog, Daddy Likey. She wrote an awesome post about fashion and the way it affects you, and I totally agree. You can sit around, saying how you don't care what people think, or you just don't have the time, or whatever your excuse is for not taking pride in the way you look, but in the end, you're only hurting yourself. And not in the way an emo kid hurts himself with a butter knife, but in the inside way. The way that makes you feel unattractive and frumpalicious and slightly dirty. Don't do that to yourself! Read the post here. I want her to be my friend. We would go shopping for $4 Forever 21 accessories and talk about unfortunate sweatpants and be happy forever.

A Tale of a Girl and her Boots

K, here's a little story about me and my latest obsession. My boots.

I own, now, 78 pairs of shoes. I was not in need of boots. I own seven pairs. Seven pairs of boots is completely unnecessary. But yet, on Friday, when my husband had strep throat and was laying around the house and generally making me crazy because I'd been stuck in the house with two kids all day, I decided we needed to get out for a while. And by "needed to get out for a while" I mean spend money.

You see, I have this small problem. Where others get angry or aggressive and yell or throw things, take a jog or head to the gym, I do some serious aggressive spending. Aggressive spending is different spending. I went to the mall with EXPRESS PURPOSE of doing damage to my bank account. Badly. Like, not even caring what I spent it on.

So, with kids in tow, I meandered through the mall. I WASN'T EVEN LOOKING FOR SALES. How reckless of me! And over the course of an hour, bout a hoodie, a vest, five shirts and the only purchase that matters anything at all, cowboy boots.

I know, right? COWBOY BOOTS? I went into the shoe store looking for a Frye Harness-esqu riding boot with buckle details, but I saw a pair of knee high cowboy boots and fell in love.

And since then, it's been all cowboy, all the time. Of the last five days, I've worn them four times. I HAVE 78 PAIRS OF SHOES FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE. But they are so versatile and easy and comfy, I don't see a reason to ever take them off. I wore them over jeans, I wore them under jeans, and in a sassy mood, I wore them with a khaki skirt. In fact, I am taking my kids up to my home and native land tomorrow, and planning on wearing my boots all the way up there. They are THAT comfy. Amazing eh?

So, thanks to my husband and cranky kids, I discovered something that I never even knew I was missing. Totally worth it.

Here's to you, sweet cowboy boots of mine.




I luhf you.

***ETA to say they are Wild Diva boots bought from Head Over Heels. WHich doesn't have a website. But google Wild Diva and you'll find em! Also, I've worn then three more times. Yeah. ***

Your Best Bets: At the Mall

So, I was at the mall the other day for *ahem* research purposes (SEE WHAT I DO FOR YOU?) and was thinking about people who don't like to shop. For those people, the mall is a scary place. There are a lot of different stores, with scary salespeople that make you feel like you shouldn't be there. Add in a couple kids to the mix, and you are way out of your element. However, I can attest to the fact that if you get i nand get out, your children will be exponentially happier when all is said and done. Of course, a promise for a trip to the play area doesn't hurt either.

If you want to run to the mall for somethings, hit tried and true stores where you know you can get you want for a decent price. Here are your Best Bets!



Express - Best For: Date Night and Dress Up Gear

I know I've expounded on my love for Express before. I just really do love it. If I am looking for something to dress up a pair of dark jeans or have something coming up that I want to look super hot for, that's my first stop. You can find awesome shirts for not much cash, and they know how to work a sequin. Their clothes also fit really well, meaning that you have more confidence when stepping out.



Aeropostale- Best For: Everyday Wear

K, I will admit. Aeropostale is mainly a store for high schoolers. HOWEVER, it is the perfect place to get everyday shirts. I'm not talking about the actual graphic tees with the brand name splashed over it, I'm talking about the cute little knit, empire waisted shirts that you can find up on the walls. I have said time and time again, you don't have to dress like you're going to a concert every day just to grab groceries. But take the time to get a nice shirt that isn't a Hanes. Hanes are for like, cleaning the house with no bra on, not for venturing out into the world. Anyways, I always find great everyday stuff over at the Aero.



Forever21 - Best For: Accessories

You all know my never ending love for Forever 21. I just think it's a versatile store and it's pretty much impossible to NOT find something there. Yeah, a lot of the clothes are made for teeny boppers. I absolutely do not want to see you in neon orange jeans. But A pinstripe skirt? Yes, please. However, even better than cheap F21 clothes? Cheap, massive amounts of F21 accessories. Their accesories department is my happy place. Rarely is anything over $7, so I always walk out of there with like, 19 rings, 8 pairs of earrings and 12 necklaces, I kid you not. It's awesome. I think that with accessories, you have a few key expensive pieces, and then you change up the look with cheapos. Love.



Nordstrom - Best For: Cosmetics

Now, I'm not saying buy all of your make up at Norstrom. That would be crazy expensive. However, some things are worth spending money on. Think of the one type of cosmetic that you value the most. For me, it's mascara. Like, I LOVE mascara. Love it. So I pony up and buy my Diorshow at Nordstrom. However, even if you aren't thinking of purchasing your entire bag of cosmetics from there, you can try on colors at the counter. You'll probably be talked into buying something, but it's amazing what a little status lipstick can do. It might be intimidating at first to walk up and be like hey, slap some make up on me. But the ladies do it AAALLLLL the time, and you're just another face to them. So go!



Gap - Best For: Basics and Jeans

Gap, hands down, has the best fitting plain tees and tanks in the biz. I mean, if you're going to wear a plain old tee anyway, choose one that fits perfectly and then you can look like its on purpose. Also, their new line of jeans is ah-mazing! The curvy ones are pretty much perfection. Again, remember all of the rules for jeans; grab some with a little stretch, go up a size if you need to, so on and so forth.



White House Black Market - Best For: Dresses

If you're on the hunt for the perfect dress (like I was all summer long, more on this to follow) then definitely put WHBM on your list. Their dresses are awesome, and made to fit an actual woman's (read: not girl's) body. Yes, they are slightly pricier than other places, but dresses are meant to fit flawlessly. And remember, since they are replacing both a shirt and pants, they'll probably cost about the same. Invest in a dress that makes your body look amazing, and you'll never regret the money spent. You can take that to the bank. K, I've just always wanted to say that. Moving on.



Torrid - Best For: Plus Sizes

Plus size girls. GO TO THIS STORE. Not only do they carry awesome clothes that are actually CURRENT, but amazing shoes that I covet. It is so much better than your scary frump alternatives like, CJ Banks *shudder*. Lane Bryant is a good enough compromise if you feel like Torrid's clothes are a little out there for you, but personally, I love how confident their clothes are. So unapologetic and it makes me happy.



Cinnabon - Best For: Gracelessly Pigging Out until I Feel Bad About Myself and Leave the Mall

Just make this your last stop, k? 'Nuff said.

So head to the mall and hit some tried and true places that you KNOW won't make you leave in a frustrated huff because you can't find ANYTHING. Your favorites won't fail you. They'll keep you safe and warm. Also, I want a Cinnabon now.

In Which I Return From Yet Another Long Absence.

Okay! So I'm back, alive, and ready to start posting again. I haven't been home much this summer, just out and enjoying the sun. Guys. I actually GOT A TAN. I know, right? And I know I'm being like the best friend who never calls unless she needs something. I'M TRYING.

ANYways, things have started to calm down now. And I feel like imparting some wisdom. This summer I had fun playing with a lot of new things that I hadn't previously been brave enough to try. Can I talk about how fun that is? I think a lot of times, women see something they love and then think, oh, but I could never pull that off. I wear keds/mom jeans/polo shirts and it just isn't ME! I hate this attitude. Because really, if you don't like the way you look, then why not DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT? I mean really. How hard is it to wake up one morning and say k. Today, I'm going to wear heels. Today, I am going to surprise my husband by doing my hair differently. Today, I'm going to dig that outfit from the back of the closet that I put there because I don't want baby throw up on it, and just wear it for old time's sake. It's amazing how good you feel when you mix things up a bit.

Plus, you get compliments. Did I ever tell you how much I love compliments?

Anyhow, I bring you:

Three Things Women Think They Can't Pull Off, But Could If They Really, Really Tried.

1) Red lipstick.


(Is there anything more awesome than pulling out a tube of lipstick and reapplying public? I think not. HOT!)

So I know. MODELS wear red lipstick. Mom's do not. It's too dramatic. But come on girlies! How better to give you a little boost than to slick on a new shade and get out there? I finally took the plunge and bought a bright, bright red lipstick a couple months ago, and have been wearing it all over. It's so vintage and I love it for fall.

Here is your non-scary way to do red lips. First, LINE THEM. You can get away with not lining if you're doing a shade closer to your own lip color, but with a red, give it a base to stick to. Line your lips, and then fill them in with the pencil. THEN you can put the red lipstick on. Choose a color according to your skin tone. Don't do anything darker than a bright red if you're pale, it'll look too severe. Darker skinned can get away with a richer color. Grab some with the tiniest bit of a blue tint to make your teeth look whiter too. Slick it on, and then step back. RELAX. I know it looks different and out of place. So, to tone the red down and make it look glossier, grab a regular old tube of nude or brown toned lip gloss and put some on over the red. It'll make the color more wearable, and make your lips all juicy. Plus, its fun to then go and kiss your husband and leave a big smack-mark behind!

2) Hats.


(It's like you're a sexy Fidel Castro!)

So many people I hear are like, hey, I like hats, but I'm not a "hat person". Really? Like, pioneers all wore bonnets as they crossing the scorching plains. I'm pretty sure they didn't worry about being hat people or not. And so if you're out in the sun, burning your scalp because you don't think you look good in hats, well that's just dumb. The difference in who is a hat person and who is not is in who knows how to pick out the right hat for themselves. My general rule of thumb is that the larger your features are, the larger the brim of a hat should be. Do you get what I'm saying? I have large features, big eyes and lips and massive cheeks, so I stick with baseball hats or floppy hats. However, if you have tiny features, little nose and chin type thing, you can totally get away with a shorter brimmed military type hat. Even in the winter, I wear a toque (haha, that's so a Canadian word. I think you Yankees would call them beanies) with a brim because I think covering up all of my hair with a tight hat and then WOAH features is unflattering. So choose a hat in proportion with your features and you too can be a "hat person".

3) Shoes with ankle straps.

There was some concern when I posted those espadrilles a few posts (and a few months) back, because they are meant to tie around the ankle. It is true that an ankle strap can be a cankles wort nightmare. It cuts the leg into pieces and brings more focus to the calves. K, can I first point out that I love calves? Not just skinny ones, but ones with some good shape on them. I think they are so feminine and pretty. I happen to enjoy my calves very much, so I totally love a good ankle strap shoe. Half of the shoes in my *cough*77 pair*cough* shoe collection have some sort of ankle strap. But if I still haven't convinced you, might I introduce you to my friend, the t-strap?


(Oh t-strap, you'll never hurt me, will you?)

The t-strap is like the forgiving, sweet and thoughtful cousin of the bad boy ankle strap. Okay, it's not as alluring. But it also won't try to get you drunk and make out with your best friend in your parent's car, if you get my drift. What am I even talking about? Ah, yes. T-strap. The difference between the two is that the t strap first, lengthens the foot by having a linear strap running up it, and then fastens much lower on the ankle than a regular ankle strap, usually slightly below the pokey-out ankle bone. So, if you want to experiment with ankle straps but still think your calves look hefty, hefty, hefty, give t-straps a chance.

So give something that you previously thought you couldn't "pull off" a try. And swagger like you're on America's Next Top Model, without the annoying Tyra Banks soliloquies.

What to Wear: To the Beach

K, so this is reposted from last year. But because its finally getting warm, and finally time to show some skin, we need to discuss swimwear. I'm using the same picture but adding some new commentary aka stuff I've learned since I had my babies.

Lets first get this out in the open. If you've had kids, your body does not look the same as it used to. Even if you were blessed with hyper elastic skin and major six pack abs, your body has totally redistributed, and things are going to have to change. For instance, before I had a baby, I was a hardcore bikini girl, the smaller the better. Afterwards, I realized my butt looked nothing like it's 18 year old counter part, and where I still was pretty happy with my tummy, I had to choose something new in the way of bottoms. I switched to a boy short bottom, and am totally happy and comfortable in them.

You don't want to head out to the beach proclaiming your body issues to the world, obviously. Yet you still want to be comfortable enough to move around without a towel wrapped around your neck. Its a slippery slope.

So, pick the thing about yourself that you are most self conscious about while in a bathing suit, and only worry about minimizing that. You only have time and energy to worry about one, trust me. Not to mention, 1) Every other woman at the beach/pool/waterpark is too concerned about what their body looks like in their swimsuits to care about you 2) Guys are so horny that they are just excited to see so much flesh, stretch marks or no, and 3) Sunlight is so much more forgiving than fluorescent lighting, bathroom lighting, fitting room lighting, etc. So whatever you have pinpointed as ugly there probably doesn't even show up outside.

Can we also make a statement about confidence? I'm not going to lie. I totally judge women who come to the pool wearing like, a snowsuit because they hate their bodies so much. They are just proclaiming to the world their body issues AND pointing them out to everyone. RELAX with the body hatred people! Just find something flattering and move on. No one at the pool cares in the slightest if you have cellulite or jiggly arms.

So I found some super cute suits that aren't scary mommy suits, but will still do enough coverage to make you feel okay about wearing them.


K, I love this one from Venus for general coverage without looking like a grandmother. The one shoulder strap updates the whole suit, while the tankini top and skirt bottom mean you're covered and comfortable. Color is super cute too. I saw a woman at the pool wearing this type of suit and she just rocked it. Like okay, I don't have the perfect body, but I still look hot in this.


If you don't love your tummy, the cuteness of this suit is literally astounding. It's shirred across the stomach, which will camouflage any kind of lump or bump that you're concerned about. And halter top? So feminine and adorable. Cleave will thank you. (Juicy)


If you're like me and are okay with your tummy but don't love your butt or thighs, try out a boy short bottom. It'll give you the most coverage, without those high-waisted scary brief-type bottoms. Ew. Plus the belt on this is so cute. PS, Triangle tops are fantastic for little boobs *cough*me*cough*. (Venus) Lets point out that boy shorts are bad for really pear shaped people.


If you're not in love with either, try a cute little swimdress. Thankfully, because of the vintage '40s swimwear we are seeing this summer, they're actually totally en vogue right now, which is great for mere mortals like us, who aren't super models. I love this one because its spices things up with a cut out near the chest that says "Yes, I may be wearing a swim dress, BUT CHECK OUT THESE PUPPIES." (Nordstrom)

Now, if you're one of those people who does not enjoy prancing around the beach half nekkid, GET A COVERUP. Do not wander around with a towel tied around your chest, or in an oversized t-shirt. Shame on you. There are so many ADORABLE cover ups, I don't know why you would do that. CHeck out some of these beauties. Even if you don't see a cover up you like, head to your nearest F21, find a short short short cotton halter dress and wear it as a cover up. SO CUTE.


Ralph Lauren


Victoria's Secret


Venus


Venus

So moral of the story, you don't need to wear a turtleneck to the beach to feel comfortable with yourself. Get a HOT swimsuit and work it. Don't let it work you.